I Am Confused and Angry
Tuesday, December 15, 2008 – 3:45 P.M. (WARNING: I am going to do some venting here, so some of you who are reading this may want to skip it and go to another journal.) This has not been a good day for me, and I do not think it is going to get any better. I knew this was going to be a bad week when I got up yesterday, but I tried to hold onto a slim hope that it would be better than I had thought. I was wrong about that. Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my mother's death. I have many mixed emotions about that. On the one hand, she was my first of many sexual abusers. On the other hand, she brought me into this world, never gave up on me after learning that I was disabled, and was my primary force in trying to tell me never to give up. I loved my mother in many ways, yet I also despised her in others. She was a complete enigma. The best possible way I can describe her, is to say that she could be kind and loving in one moment, and then turn around and be one of the most hateful person's you would ever want to meet in the next moment. Yesterday I devoted a part of my memories -- both good and bad -- to her. Today I was scheduled to go in for some physical therapy. I never made it. My physical therapist called here early in the morning to discuss what had happened when I had gone to see my doctor yesterday. I told her everything we talked about, but apparently, it was not to her satisfaction. She said that she wanted to talk with him by phone, today, before seeing me again. My next appointment with her is on Thursday. I am beginning to wonder if she will see me then either. She wants me to start having some range of motion (ROM) exercises here at home, so that I will not have to go to the clinic so often. She also mentioned something about the payment from Medicare and Medicaid, but I happen to know they are paying for my treatments. I am not exactly sure what is happening with her, but I think that I deserve to hear the truth in the matter. When I saw my social worker at the mental health clinic last Friday, he asked me to set up a session with my brother sometime in January. I spoke to my brother twice during the weekend, and mentioned it each time. The first time I mentioned anything, he said that he would have to check his schedule (which I seriously doubt that he has) to see what day he had free. The second time we talked, when I brought up the topic of the counseling session, he said that he could no longer hear me over the phone. I found that to be quite odd, particularly since he has used that excuse many times the past. He also does not seem to have this problem when talking to other people. I am going to see my psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I really need to talk with her concerning the sexual abuse I have had throughout the years, but I am having great difficulty even bringing up the subject. If I do not get some of these negative thoughts off of my chest, I do not see how I will be able to make any positive progress in the future. Although I have tried writing much of what has occurred to me on the PTSD boards, I have not been able to make myself continue doing this in the last several months. The subject matter is hard to discuss, and though I have tried telling myself that I was not to blame for what was done to me, I still find that I am ashamed and embarrassed to the point where there are times when I wish that I was not living.
Replies
I didn\'t skip it...... Gentle voice here, even though it won\'t read that way.
Whoa...... Backwards spinning wheels you have.
It\'s ok Jim. A lot of us have \'anniversaries\' that trigger (an overused word but there it is) memories and emotions.
I\'m going through a SLEW of them myself, mostly regrets about my life.
But, for both of us, these thoughts and feelings WON\'T last forever. You are so much further ahead in your understanding of what happened to you in the PAST.
STOP getting stuck on feeling ashamed and that you are to blame.
You are NOT.
Give yourself time. You have come so very far. Don\'t let an anniversary negate that.
Your mom did do some things right. But, she did the wrong things SO wrong, and even if you have to yell in an empty room, she should be held accountable, her other illness/condition notwithstanding.
Hugs and Mojo to you Jim
And a DragonWeeble cyber flog to that PT.....
Weebs
This anniversary seemingly brought forth lots of memories -- both old and new -- that I thought had been laid to rest. I can see now that they were not. I intentionally overlooked revealing some of what I consider my deepest, darkest, and worst secrets. They make my life miserable, and often give me those suicidal thoughts.
As for my PT, I realize there is only so much they can do to help me. If I have reached that point where there is nothing more that can be done for me, all I really want is for them to tell me so. Does that seem to be asking for too much?
Oh Jim....demons from the past can be crippling, but you continuously try to overcome them, and that is what keeps you going. I have my demons as well, and although they make an appearance every once in awhile, I always manage to get past the stage where I want to give up. You\'re stronger than you think my friend, and whenever you feel you need to vent about past experiences, I\'m all ears. I have been there myself.
Don\'t give up Jim. Tomorrow brings fresh ideas and an open mind.
Tell that damned PT to sh*t or get off the pot! You need answers! You are NOT past help and they need to realize that. Chances are, it\'s close to the holidays and all they can think about is vacation time! Keep fighting. I\'m in your corner.
xoxoxoxoxo
Okay, I hate to be the eternal optimist but is it a good thing you will get therapy in your home? I was thinking it\'d be good because you won\'t have to wait around for ASS-A-RIDE. Maybe it\'s really nice to get out though.
I agree with Weebs. I think the anniversary is triggering a lot for you. Christmas must be a trigger as well. (I also think the word trigger is over used, even though I use it all the time).
It\'s really hard to know what to do about the sexual abuse, Jim. I think we just don\'t know enough about how to treat the symptoms yet. If you feel writing about it and getting more validation and understanding, then I think that is exactly what you should do.
One of the lovely gifts we get as survivors is memories. Just when you\'ve dealt with a bunch of traumatic memories and feel you\'ve done what you are \'supposed\' to do, more memories come to take their place. Eventually, they all float to the surface and you can move past them.
I think you are doing remarkably well. Better than you should be doing. Listen to yourself. Your brain is very smart.
Are you sure you intentionally overlooked stuff? Our brains are self healing. They are good at taking care of us, emotionally. Perhaps it wasn\'t intentional but more necessary. Share when you are ready, if you are ready.
I can totally relate to the confusion surrounding our family. I have great difficulty merging my feelings of fondness with my feelings of resentment. I am trying to accept that those feelings can co exist.
Go Jana and Sam!!!!!!!! w0000000t!
Jim, we\'re NOT SUPPOSED to totally forget. Otherwise, what tool would we all have that sends us the message that something bad is going to happen? So when you feel those feelings, look around you and see if someone is getting on a boundary! If there isn\'t anything, then chalk it up to the brain trying to work stuff out.
We are supposed to focus more on that we are here now, and that thing isn\'t physically hurting us anymore. It\'s only a tool now, for us to pay attention and exercise judgment.
And didn\'t someone say a few journals ago, you must have found \'a safe place\' to have these memories? So let them come. And like Sam said, when you\'re ready, you\'re ready.
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
It must really be Christmas! All three of my wonderful reindeer, Jill, Sam, and Weebs are all here, doing their best to pull me along and get me through this complicated time of year. If not for all of you, I hate to think where I would be right now.
I don\'t like to vent about past experiences with my demons, but I realize there are a few more things that I need to get out of my system. I will never get much of a lasting peace until I do that.
Jill, please do not waste that wonderful Canadian bacon. I really think there is an easier way of handling my problem than to slap someone up against the side of the head with the bacon.
I agree that I need some answers from my physical therapist. While I do not think that I am at the point where I can no longer be helped, without the use of surgery, I do believe that I am nearing that point. I still think that for the time being, at least, I can be helped, to a certain extent, by getting pool therapy, just as my doctor prescribed.
I do not mean to sound unkind by this remark, but I think part of the problem is that my physical therapist does not want to expend the energy it takes to get me in and out of the pool. But, after all, it is not as though she has to do this entirely by herself.
Sam, the only therapy I will be getting at my own home is that which is known as \"Range Of Motion,\" which I will be getting on a daily basis. It is not meant to replace my physical therapist.
I am positive that I intentionally overlooked some things about my sexual abuse. I did not feel comfortable writing about them, so I did not do it. I am also hopeful that one day soon, there will come a time when I will regain the nerve that I used to have so that I can continue with my writing about this.
Weebs, I have been hoping that I would forget these memories. Why would I possibly want to remember pain and hurt unless I happen to be a masochist? On the other hand, if you say they are there for a reason, then I have no real choice but to believe you.
It must really be Christmas! All three of my wonderful reindeer, Jill, Sam, and Weebs are all here, doing their best to pull me along and get me through this complicated time of year. If not for all of you, I hate to think where I would be right now.
I don\'t like to vent about past experiences with my demons, but I realize there are a few more things that I need to get out of my system. I will never get much of a lasting peace until I do that.
Jill, please do not waste that wonderful Canadian bacon. I really think there is an easier way of handling my problem than to slap someone up against the side of the head with the bacon.
I agree that I need some answers from my physical therapist. While I do not think that I am at the point where I can no longer be helped, without the use of surgery, I do believe that I am nearing that point. I still think that for the time being, at least, I can be helped, to a certain extent, by getting pool therapy, just as my doctor prescribed.
I do not mean to sound unkind by this remark, but I think part of the problem is that my physical therapist does not want to expend the energy it takes to get me in and out of the pool. But, after all, it is not as though she has to do this entirely by herself.
Sam, the only therapy I will be getting at my own home is that which is known as \"Range Of Motion,\" which I will be getting on a daily basis. It is not meant to replace my physical therapist.
I am positive that I intentionally overlooked some things about my sexual abuse. I did not feel comfortable writing about them, so I did not do it. I am also hopeful that one day soon, there will come a time when I will regain the nerve that I used to have so that I can continue with my writing about this.
Weebs, I have been hoping that I would forget these memories. Why would I possibly want to remember pain and hurt unless I happen to be a masochist? On the other hand, if you say they are there for a reason, then I have no real choice but to believe you.