I Am Confused and Angry

Tuesday, December 15, 2008 – 3:45 P.M. (WARNING: I am going to do some venting here, so some of you who are reading this may want to skip it and go to another journal.)   This has not been a good day for me, and I do not think it is going to get any better. I knew this was going to be a bad week when I got up yesterday, but I tried to hold onto a slim hope that it would be better than I had thought. I was wrong about that.   Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my mother's death. I have many mixed emotions about that. On the one hand, she was my first of many sexual abusers. On the other hand, she brought me into this world, never gave up on me after learning that I was disabled, and was my primary force in trying to tell me never to give up.   I loved my mother in many ways, yet I also despised her in others. She was a complete enigma. The best possible way I can describe her, is to say that she could be kind and loving in one moment, and then turn around and be one of the most hateful person's you would ever want to meet in the next moment.   Yesterday I devoted a part of my memories -- both good and bad -- to her.   Today I was scheduled to go in for some physical therapy. I never made it. My physical therapist called here early in the morning to discuss what had happened when I had gone to see my doctor yesterday. I told her everything we talked about, but apparently, it was not to her satisfaction. She said that she wanted to talk with him by phone, today, before seeing me again. My next appointment with her is on Thursday. I am beginning to wonder if she will see me then either.   She wants me to start having some range of motion (ROM) exercises here at home, so that I will not have to go to the clinic so often. She also mentioned something about the payment from Medicare and Medicaid, but I happen to know they are paying for my treatments. I am not exactly sure what is happening with her, but I think that I deserve to hear the truth in the matter.   When I saw my social worker at the mental health clinic last Friday, he asked me to set up a session with my brother sometime in January. I spoke to my brother twice during the weekend, and mentioned it each time. The first time I mentioned anything, he said that he would have to check his schedule (which I seriously doubt that he has) to see what day he had free. The second time we talked, when I brought up the topic of the counseling session, he said that he could no longer hear me over the phone. I found that to be quite odd, particularly since he has used that excuse many times the past. He also does not seem to have this problem when talking to other people.   I am going to see my psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I really need to talk with her concerning the sexual abuse I have had throughout the years, but I am having great difficulty even bringing up the subject. If I do not get some of these negative thoughts off of my chest, I do not see how I will be able to make any positive progress in the future.   Although I have tried writing much of what has occurred to me on the PTSD boards, I have not been able to make myself continue doing this in the last several months. The subject matter is hard to discuss, and though I have tried telling myself that I was not to blame for what was done to me, I still find that I am ashamed and embarrassed to the point where there are times when I wish that I was not living.