I Am Confused
Saturday, December 5, 2009 - 2:20 PM I started feeling badly last night, and things have not gotten much better today. After going to bed, I began getting some strange sensations throughout my body including very hot feelings in my head, hands, and arms. In addition to the heat, there were stinging like feelings in the same locations. My mouth became dry, and all of a sudden, I became exceedingly hungry for no apparent reason. My first immediate reaction was to believe that I was having a heart attack or stroke. I broke out into a sweat and I could feel my heart beating faster. After nearly half an hour of this, I finally realized that I had these symptoms before, although it had been many years since they were this extreme. I was having a very bad anxiety attack. As the minutes seemed to drag by, I began feeling somewhat better. The anxiety lessened, and the symptoms I had experienced slowly disappeared. To say that I had been scared to death would have been the understatement of the century. After getting up this morning, I began getting my life back in order and onto a strict regimen, which I used to have. The first thing I did was to begin taking my medications. I made certain that the first one I took was a pill for anxiety. I will be taking two more of them this afternoon and evening, followed by 2 mg at bedtime. I do not want to have a repeat of last night. The holidays are not good for me because of the deaths of my parents during them. (I told about this in another journal entry.) A friend here suggested that I honor their deaths in some way, and then move forward with my life. It just is not that easy for me. A torrent of memories about my parents flashed before my eyes today. For one of the few times in my life since their deaths, I found myself crying over their loss, particularly that of my mother. I find that to be extremely surprising considering the fact that I suffered through almost every imaginable kind of abuse from her. I had a kind of love/hate relationship with my mother because of her abuse. Crying when that occurred is understandable to me, but not now that she is no longer living. It does not make sense to me. To have this happen during a time when I am filled with feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, gloom, and despair is almost beyond belief. It is unthinkable. I am confused.