I AM BROKEN

AKA, I AM REALLY FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD.  I HAVE A SET OF STANDARDS AND VALUES IN MY HEAD THAT IS COMPLETELY FORIEGN TO THIS WORLD IN WHICH I LIVE.  THIS CAUSES ME TO FEEL A GREAT DEAL OF HATE FOR MYSELF.  I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON, AND NO ONE CAN POINT THIS FACT OUT BETTER THAN MY EX WIFE AND THE MOTHER OF MY BELOVED SON.  I START RAMBLING TO HER ON A BIPOLER TANGENT, AND SHE JUST STANDS THERE AND SAYS "WOW...WOW" WHILE THINKING, "MANIC MUCH" IN DISBELIEF SHAKING HER HEAD IN DISGUST, THEN GETS IN HER BRAND NEW CAR, AND DRIVES OFF TO LEAVE ME TO DWELL WITH MY OWN FEELINGS OF INSIGNIFICANCE AND SELF-HATRED.  LEAVING ME TO REALIZE JUST HOW FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD I REALLY AM, AND WHY GOD WOULD HAVE EVER WASTED HIS TIME WITH SAVING ME.  I START WALKING AROUND MY PRAYER PARK FOR ABOUT 3-4 MILES, JUST THINKING THIS THOUGHT IN MY HEAD AND VOICING IT ALOUD IN THE MOON LIT DARKNESS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN...  ASKING WHY, WHY GOD, WHY DID YOU SAVE ME, WHY AM I NOT WORTH A SHIT.  WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD?  DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY?  IS SATAN FUCKING WITH ME?  IS THIS A THORN IN THE FLESH?  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?  WELL, BY THE TIME I FINISH MY WALK, I GET TO THE POINT WHERE ALL THE SHIT INSIDE ME GETS OUT IN THE OPEN, AND IT GETS FLUSHED,  IT'S GONE AND I GO HOME.  MY WIFE ASKS ME WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT, AND I HAVE NO IDEA.  I TELL HER I WORKED SOME SHIT OUT, AND THEN FLUSH, AND I MADE THE MOTION OF FLUSHING A TOILET, AND IT'S GONE. THEN I GO TO BED, AND MY MIND IS FREE TO TRAVEL, AS I WAKE UP, MY BRAIN KICKS INTO OVERDRIVE WITH WHAT FEELS LIKE THE HOLY SPIRIT SAYING OVER AND OVER, YOU ARE WEAK, BUT I AM STRONG...YOU ARE WEAK, BUT I AM STRONG.  SO I GOOGLE JUST THAT, AND THIS IS WHAT I GET FROM 2 CORINTIANS 12...  "My grace is sufficient for you, for (R)power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather (S)boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  10Therefore (T)I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with (U)distresses, with (V)persecutions, with (W)difficulties, (X)for Christ's sake; for (Y)when I am weak, then I am strong.  11I have become (Z)foolish; you yourselves compelled me Actually I should have been commended by you, for (AA)in no respect was I inferior to the most eminent apostles, even though (AB)I am a nobody.   2 PARTS THAT REGISTERED BESIDES MY WEAKNESS AND HIS STRENGTH ARE 2 FEELINGS THAT THIS WORLD GIVES ME WHICH IS, "I have become (Z)foolish"  AS WELL AS, "even though (AB)I am a nobody.  IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ON A LOT OF MY POSTS THAT I POST HERE, I WRITE, I AM NOBODY OF COURSE, BUT.......AND BEING CHRISTIAN WITH BIPOLER, I'VE ALWAYS FELT LIKE A PSYCHOTIC FOOL.  AS A CHRISTIAN, THERE IS QUOTE, "CERTAIN STUFF YOU CAN DO AND CERTAIN STUFF YOU CAN'T DO," AND I JUST BLOW ALL THAT SHIT RIGHT OUT OF THE WATER, AND I ALWAYS HAVE.  YES, MY SHIELD IS BIBLICAL, AND IT'S EVEN WHAT I BELIEVE THE BASIS OF CHRISTIANITY SHOULD BE BUT SADLY, IT HAS A WHOLE 'NOTHER STIGMA OF ABSOLUTE MORALLITY THAT I HAVE JUST NEVER GOTTEN DOWN WITH.  MY BIBLICAL SHIELD IS HEY, MY LIFE IS COVERED BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB, AND CHRIST IS MY ONLY RIGHTOUSNESS THAT COVERS MY LIFE THAT ALTHOUGH MY SINS MAY BE AS RED AS SCARLET, I HAVE BEEN MADE WHITE AS SNOW IN THE EYES OF GOD BY THE BLOOD OF HIS ONLY BEGOTTON SON.    THIS BRINGS ME TO MY SECOND REVELATION FROM THIS MORNINGS STUPOR AND THE TITLE OF MY POST.  "I AM BROKEN."  IT SEAMS THAT A LOT OF CHRISTIANS ARE IN THIS BOAT IN SOME SHAPE OR FORM.  IT'S THE ONES THAT APPEAR TO HAVE ALL THEIR DUCKS IN A ROW THAT I WORRY ABOUT, AND YES, MY EX WIFE DEFINATELY LIKES TO SHOW HERSELF TO BE IN THIS CATEGORY.  SHE IS ALWAYS SO PERFECT, AND ALWAYS APPEARS TO BE NICE AND HELPFUL, AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, SHE JUST EASILY ROLLS WITH IT.  IT REALLY MAKES ME SICK, BECAUSE MOST OF THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS GOOD TO HER IS IN DIRECT CORRELATION TO WHAT IS HAPPENING BAD TO ME.  IT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS, AND I'M VERY ENVIOUS AND JEALOUS OF HER, BUT MAYBE IN THE END, I REALLY SHOULDN'T BE.  I'LL EXPLAIN BY USING THIS ILLUSTRATION OF HARVESTS...      Barley has a very soft shell. If you go to harvest barley you have to be very careful or you will crush it. you cannot step on it. They take a fan..it looks kinda like a pitch fork and they throw it up in the air and the wind separates the outer shell from the meat. The wind is always the HOLY SPIRIT. In the book of Ruth it was barley harvest.Now the wheat is different its hard. You take a board and you stand on it and you take an animal and it goes over top of the wheat. The wheat is very hard and the board separates that grain and gets the wheat out. In Latin its called a TRIBULUM. This is where we get the word tribulation. A tribulum is used at this feast to separate the chaff from the wheat. This is a picture of Pentecost. The barley harvest is a picture of the saints whose hearts are TENDER. They do not have to be seperated as wheat and chaff.Then, later on in the tribulation there is a separaSee the barley doesnt have to go through tribulum. thats the rapture of the church.The wind is the holy ghost and all we have to do is let the wind blow over us and blow the junk out of us and the flesh.You get in the middle of the tribulation and you've got chaff and you have to take it and crush it out to see who is standing for God and who is not. In Rev. 4:1 the church is caught up to heaven.tion of wheat and tare.   OK, NOW FOR THE POINT...YOU SEE, LIKE THE BARLEY, I AM EASILY BROKEN AND HAVE A VERY SOFT SHELL.  JUST THE WIND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT IS ALL IT TAKES FOR ME AND PEOPLE OF SUFFERING LIKE ME TO BE HARVESTED.  NOW MY EX-WIFE ON THE OTHER HAND IS A TOUGH NUT TO CRACK, GETTING TO THE MEAT OF HER SOUL IS TOUGH, AND WOULD DEFINATELY TAKE SOME TROUNCING AND TRIBULATION LIKE SHE HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE.   SO...ALTHOUGH I AM BROKEN IN THESE "LAST DAYS," IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT I'M WIDE OPEN AND READY FOR THE DAY OF THE BARLEY HARVEST.  IT'S THE ONES THAT HAVE THAT HARD EXTERIOR OF THE WHEAT THAT APPEARS SO BEAUTIFUL AND LIKE THEY HAVE ALL THEIR SHIT TOGETHER THAT HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO A CERTAIN TRIBULATION SO THAT THEIR MEAT CAN BE SEPERATED FROM THEIR SHELL OF GOODNESS TO THE POINT WHERE THEY CAN BE HUMBLED SO THEY CAN THEN BE ACCEPTABLE TO GOD.   SO, ALTHOUGH I AM BROKEN, I ONLY HAVE A SHORT TIME BEFORE I GET CAUGHT UP TO BE WITH THE LORD TO END THIS TIME OF SUFFERING AND BROKENNESS....    SO I WILL BOAST IN MY WEAKNESS THAT, I AM EXTREMELY FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD, SO THAT THE POWER OF CHRIST MAY DWELL IN ME. NOW THAT IS SOMETHING THAT MOST ON THIS EARTH CAN NOT GET HOW THIS COULD EVER BE...OF HOW A FOUL-MOUTHED PSYCHO COULD EVER BE ACCEPTABLE TO JESUS CHRIST.  THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW, BUT I KNOW...IT'S THROUGH BELIEF IN JESUS AND THE POWER OF THE PERFECT SACRIFICE OF HIS BLOOD THAT COVERS MY FUCKED UP LIFE.  WHO'D A THUNK IT COULD EVER BE POSSIBLE.