I am Back - The Present Now

Hello reader, my friend,

I am back. It has been a long while since the last time I wrote on here. A bit about myself:

I am now 38, I bought a lovely house with my boyfriend, I have a beautiful and smart 3 years old boy called Richard.

I am taking Olanzepine and Sertraline. My anxiety is extremely bad without. They literally saved my life. I was in a anxious state that was scaring me.

I work from home. I used to be good at work, I used to do everything right and I loved what I do, still love it. Well, my stats are very bad, I am risking to loose my job, at home the situation is unbearable.

I also changed therapist and I suffer of transference. If you do not know what it is, it more or less means that you are in love with you therapist. He is handsome and he says the right things at the right time. One time he said to me "Marta, you are perfect as you are". Therefore, I felt the world stopped and I was happy for few seconds. But it is not a real love. It's more like a crush. Do you remember when you were a teenager and you had a crush on, I don't know, Take That Spice Girls Backstreet Boys... etc etc? It's the same. I know I cannot have him but I feel butterflies in the stomach and I keep thinking about him. He understood. I know he did. But it's ok. I don't want to loose him because he is an excellent therapist. I am learning to be happy more with him in just two months than with my other therapist for 3 years.

Anyway, the relationship with my boyfriend is terrible. We almost break up once a week and we say very bad things to each other's. I know he doesn't love me, I know that he is with me just because we have a child together and because he doesn't have anywhere else to go. If it wasn't for me, as I had the deposit for this house, we wouldn't be here. I regret it now. If he goes I have to pay his part, even though he didn't put a coin. But he is a good man, I know. And I am just paranoid.

I am going through some tests with a clinical psychologist to see if I have ADHD ADD and some kind of personality disorder. I hope I have ADHD/ADD because I heard the medications for it are magic. I hope I do not have just borderline personality disorder or similar because there are no medications for it, just the same I am taking now that, help me a lot but have too many side effects. I gained 20 kilos in just 2 months with Olanzepine, I cannot focus with it and, if my statistics at work were bad, well now are worse.

At least my baby boy Richard is my joy and I love him with all of me, I also think I am a good mum and proud of myself when I'm with him.

When I am with my boyfriend I feel lonely, stupid, inferior, I am scared to make mistakes. I wish I could care less but that's not who I am. The tests are taking very long time and I doubt I will have the results before Christmas. I hate Christmas, it's the loneliest time of the year and I always look forward to ending.

Ok, I finished. Thank you for reading and sorry for being boring. I guess my life is boring.

Good night.