I Am Back...

I have done my thinking and  (once again) allowed it to put me in a funk for awhile. When I think about this, I realize that something always brings me back to old times, how things have been and how I believe they will always be.  I forget that things (in me and around me) can, have and will continue to change.  

I used to be so very shy, quiet, backward and feeling like I had nothing to offer or contribute .  For a brief period at 12 (yes a blossoming almost teeny bopper) I would lose a few pounds with my mom. I was filling out with those curves in all the right places and finally feeling pretty good about myself and enjoying some new found attention from the guys (along with a few of my friends) One day an occasion arose where my Mom would suddenly be so concerned and actually question my word about something that never happened  that I did come to think it was wrong to feel so good. That confidence and attention did quickly disappear as I would put on a couple pounds and once again hide and sadly watch the world go by without me.  Then everybody was happy (except me)

So very much has happened to me in my life (Just like with everyone else)  We go through so much ... and for most of us, it is because of all of our struggles and challenges we wind up here... looking for support and someone to tell us we are ok and they understand.  But what I do forget is that it all happens for a reason.  I did forget that with every obstacle or crisis , I would wind up in counseling and gain more very important insight into something that brought me to this point .   

I have actually been very fortunate (Hard to imagine me ever saying this)  I have learned so very much...Each stint in counseling or therapy... and now each person I do come in contact with  (many on here and others in the real world) does bring another piece to my puzzle  and help me understand and go a little farther on my journey.  I am no longer afraid to look up or to smile and say a few words to a stranger who looks as lonely or sad as I did (and stil sometimes do) often feel.  I have this newfound curiosity and as I stumble across things I don't yet know... I either look it up or ask.  Thus a whole new world has been opened up to me.... so much of what I have been missing and am afraid I will never get to experience.  The stifling shame and belief I had nothing to contribute or offer to a conversation or another human being is long gone.  (Unfortunately now I so want to reach out and share with others that I sometimes chatter endlessly. I think because I don't want to feel discounted or ignored as I do often feel in this "marriage" and other relationships I did have.I also have this incredible thirst to learn about others as well as what I missed.)

So I do again thank you all for your kind words to remind me of just how far I have come. No longer afraid of people or speaking my mind, asking a question and opening up to others about most anything.  I am finally coming to accept me just as I am... good , bad and naughty sides. (wink, wink) and getting past all the guilt and shame that once held me down.  

Several of you have reminded me too that it is better to find that peace and focus and take time to meditate ... renewing and reprogramming my mind with positive thoughts and energy.  I have also been guilty of putting God and faith on the back burner... Both are important for me to remember (especially when I have been so quick to allow a negative thought or memory to spiral me back to my funk.)       Hugs to you all