I am awake now....

I am part anger, part confused, and part in denial.  I think they call this the should of and would of. 

I have been with this man for off and on for twenty years. The first time we were together I broke up with him and the other six times he broke up with me. We have been in this circle of confusion for so long.....I can't believe I am actually tired of it and just want to end it before I am to old to support myself. 

We have this pattern. I give up everything to make him happy....stop seeing my friends and activities to make sure I am home when he gets home....have dinner ready....laundry done...and then I lose myself.  I hate it.... I get depressed...my health goes down...I gain weight...I lose my job.  I ask myself why do I do this.... because I know it is my choice to make myself happy and it is my choice to stop putting him before me.... but I fear he will leave me again and not want me anymore.  I ask myself...what is it about this man that I feel I need in my life.  Is it convivences....is it because we have been together for so long that he is like a good friend.  After we break up.... I move out and in with one of my children....or he leave me in a house we bought that is in foreclosure because he stopped making payments without telling me.  I look for a job and get back into shape…. eat healthy…and throw myself into my job where I make enough money to support myself.  I have never looked for another guy, but I have dated a couple of guys…but I just wasn’t into them.  Then after a year later…. every time…. he starts coming around again….and before I know it…. we are back having sex again!!!  We start spending the weekends together and I am back to the person I was when he first met me (strong and independent)…. then the cycle starts over again.  Of course, he does things that really frustrates me…. he is a very selfish man. He buys high expensive things he can’t afford for himself.  He never buys anything for me…and if he does…he wants it back every time we break up.  He doesn’t make me feel special…but he is very loving…but he is a womanizer…he is a flirt, but I have never have caught him having an affair, but he tells me stories about these women chasing him and thinking he and her are a couple.  This…. I don’t know why he tells me all this.  Oh, and another thing he does is if I get a job that makes me a lot of money…. he is always trying to take me back.  And as always…my gut tells me….’that he is only wanting me back because I have big money…. but I just don’t care….I just am happy we are back together again.

But my ex is not the best catch either….he is a selfish man…He has cancer that isn’t curable…only manageable, he has diabetes and doesn’t take good care of himself at all…doesn’t eat right nor does he monitor his blood sugars…he has other health problems as well. I have always helped him manage his health…but I decided not to anymore because it was causing me stress.  He needs to retire from his job…due to his health…but won’t

I have asked him.... why do you always leave me...? he says he isn't happy.... that he doesn’t want to take care of someone….he wants a partner where we split the bills in half.  I wouldn’t mind doing that…but for some reason I end up spending more of my money on the house and the bills and his money goes to playing around and buying himself stuff.

Well after three years….I got really depressed again….I hated my life…I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t have a place to go. I had finally got a job but I barely made of minim wage and I couldn’t afford to get my own apartment.  My children are so full with their own families. My   ex owns the house we are in now….. I have helped decorate it and put a lot money into it decorating and paying for repairs.  I feel the house is as much as mine as it is his…but he doesn’t believe I have a right to anything….just my stuff.  Well……a month ago he told me he needs his space and wants to be single again and not be in a relationship with anyone….but I know he has been flirting with women down at the bar he goes to after work.   In fact we were on vacation in August and these women were texting him….he just said they were just friends.  Now he says …this particular women is wanting him to be her boyfriend and that other people in the bar thought he and her were boyfriend and girlfriend…of course I ask him…why would she say this…what did he do to give this women the impression that she thought he was her boyfriend?  He replies that she is crazy. 

Well since October….after he told me it was over….I told him I needed to find a better paying job and after I get the job and save up the money…I would move out.  I also told him I was going to get a job that was at least 50 or more miles away.  So…we can stop this roller coaster ride we keep repeating. 

So…what has happened in the last thirty days?  Well we are both living in the same house. We are like roomates….at first we were respectful to each other. I didn’t ask him where he was going and he didn’t ask me.  I told him I got a state job interview that will pay 55, 000 a year….which I did….then we started having sex again.  But, I let him know I was still moving to another part of the state.  He still says he wants to be single…but we are still having sex. I still clean house, do laundry and cook dinner.  I also have been trying to find new things for me to do…that I use to do to have my own life. I have no desire to look for another man….or even another relationship.  I just want to stop sleeping with him…because I no it isn’t right and we both are doing it for the wrong reasons. We both make comments that hurt the other person…and I know I do it because I am hurt and want to get back at him…but then I tell myself…do not lose the power by showing him I am hurt by showing my anger.  This whole thing has to stop!.  

I feel stuck and I am getting very impatience with things not moving as fast as I like. But I get frustrated because I don’t want things to change…I want us to go get counseling but after these many years he still doesn’t want to go to counseling.  I have…but he hasn’t. 

What should I do….how do I manage my feelings …