I am a therapist who needs therapy.
I pride myself on my career steps over the last 8 years. I finished my Masters in Counseling this past year. I currently work as a victim advocate, assisting victims of violence find immediate shelter and legal assistance, while wrapping them in social supports. Before that my husband and I fostered for 4 years, parenting 14 children - many who had severe behavioral issues. I have worked as a parent aid, assisting parents who have children in state custody. I have worked with adults with disabilities, helping them find and keep fulfilling employment. When it comes to human services, I am very good at what I do.
What I am not good with is personal relationships. My self esteem is often (if not always) linked in what I do, rather than who I am. Sure, I recognize that God loves me, created me, has a purpose for me. But if my career suddenly went away, I have a feeling I would be back to the same girl I was 14 years ago in a hospital, wanting to die, thinking I held no value. This was at the apex of the abuse I had sustained and not treated.
I struggle in my marriage, in my parenting and I have a few very patient friends. I am known as a positive, helping professional in the community but they don't see how hard I have to work to stay connected in personal relationships. I go home tired and struggle with managing my triggers.
My son has PTSD due to an abuse history prior to adoption. He triggers me with his ODD behavior and my anger comes up as I try to get my environment back in control (because that what happens in PTSD, we long for control and predictability). Therefore my son and I struggle to have a consistent, soft, endearing relationship. We tend to have moments of wonderful..... seperated by many more moments of behavioral issues. For some reason its much harder than it ever was with our foster kids. Likely because, despite adoption, he is MINE and I am HIS.
So.... after trying to go it alone, my husband and I called and started family counseling. This will be a first for us. I like to think I know my profession well, so this feels like failure on one side...because shouldn't I know what would "fix" the ache in our home, being that I am a therapist? Yes, the cliche..... a doctor can't be his kids' doctor.... and therefore, I can't be my own kids' counselor....or even my own counselor. So I guess that's true. I teach all the time that knowing when there is a problem and reaching out is a sign of health. I am practicing what I preach.
I want to one day feel confident in my ability to be a positive, loving and soulful wife. I want to be a mom that is soft, tender and flexible. So....here we go. I am a therapist who is going to therapy with my husband and my son. I am hoping we grow together.
What I am not good with is personal relationships. My self esteem is often (if not always) linked in what I do, rather than who I am. Sure, I recognize that God loves me, created me, has a purpose for me. But if my career suddenly went away, I have a feeling I would be back to the same girl I was 14 years ago in a hospital, wanting to die, thinking I held no value. This was at the apex of the abuse I had sustained and not treated.
I struggle in my marriage, in my parenting and I have a few very patient friends. I am known as a positive, helping professional in the community but they don't see how hard I have to work to stay connected in personal relationships. I go home tired and struggle with managing my triggers.
My son has PTSD due to an abuse history prior to adoption. He triggers me with his ODD behavior and my anger comes up as I try to get my environment back in control (because that what happens in PTSD, we long for control and predictability). Therefore my son and I struggle to have a consistent, soft, endearing relationship. We tend to have moments of wonderful..... seperated by many more moments of behavioral issues. For some reason its much harder than it ever was with our foster kids. Likely because, despite adoption, he is MINE and I am HIS.
So.... after trying to go it alone, my husband and I called and started family counseling. This will be a first for us. I like to think I know my profession well, so this feels like failure on one side...because shouldn't I know what would "fix" the ache in our home, being that I am a therapist? Yes, the cliche..... a doctor can't be his kids' doctor.... and therefore, I can't be my own kids' counselor....or even my own counselor. So I guess that's true. I teach all the time that knowing when there is a problem and reaching out is a sign of health. I am practicing what I preach.
I want to one day feel confident in my ability to be a positive, loving and soulful wife. I want to be a mom that is soft, tender and flexible. So....here we go. I am a therapist who is going to therapy with my husband and my son. I am hoping we grow together.
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