I am a pathetic worm of a girl. It's sad.

I have just attempted to read an account of a fellow victim. It was heart wrenching and graphic and that person is truly inspiring to me. The shear strength involved is phenomenal. Sadly, I could not finish the whole thing because it brought up to many details relevant to my own experiences that I guess I'm just not ready to handle yet. This is point one, where I feel ashamed of myself. But reading this amazing man's story in detail made me think about how healing that might have been for him. To get it out into words, tell his story. I write stories all the time but I never truly recount my own. Sure, I weave in elements... but it's never truly me. Never what happened. This brought me to realise the reason that I have not done this... is because I am not brave like him. Feeling utterly inspired by this strong person, courageous enough to not only live it but recount it in the hope of helping not just himself but others, I felt a bit of that come my way. I wanted to do what he did. Be brave like that... I started thinking, I sat down at my laptop to write my own account, start to finish, nothing left out. That's when I started thinking "Oh, I couldn't write that." Really S? You're lying to yourself? Really? Even if you never shared it with anyone, ever, you couldn't bring yourself to be honest? And now I feel like an utter let down. I preach about growth, and development, and there is life after rape, when I've not even got there myself yet. Sure, I'm just trying to help people, but what if I'm wrong? If I am so completely ashamed of myself, sickened by myself right down to my core, how the hell do I have the gall to tell not only strangers, but my friends too, that it isn't their fault, and they should never be ashamed. It is those that inflict these things upon us that should be ashamed.I feel like an utter disgrace. Even though I don't really know the guy I spoke of earlier, who is so very brave, I feel like I've let him down. I feel like I've let everyone down, really. My ex's words are ringing in my ears. "I would always tell you you were beautiful, and it never made any difference, you still hate yourself. Well now I realise that was all your problem."I'd never want to admit that anything that guy ever said to anyone bore any truth, and frankly he is one of the main reasons I can't think I'm beautiful after what he did to me, but what if he was right? What if it's me, and I just never get out of this pit of shame...? My man makes me feel beautiful sometimes, but he's been away for 4 long, hard months on the other side of the world and I only seem to be getting worse. I wish I was stronger, more independent, less disgusted by myself and my past. I want to get out of here... shave my head, change my name and go where nobody knows me. But I know I never will. I'm not strong enough for that either. So pathetic.  If I could go into -% for my "Feel better about myself" and the "Get over/accept my past" goals? I totally would.