Hurt Feelings are Hard to Forget...

Just when I think I get a handle on things in my life one little thing interrupts my process and I feel like I'm falling down into a big, dark, scary hole of despair.   Today pretty much started like any other day....took my husband to work around 4:30 am, came home, had a rest, did my housecleaning chores....took some time outside with my critters because my husband is on duty and we won't see him until tomorrow after work so we have no agenda.  Then I decided to wash the bed linens because something about a clean and freshly made bed always makes me feel better.  This was all fine and well and I then decided that, gee, wouldn't it be nice to get some carpet freshener and some new scented candles to make the apartment more cozy?  Perhaps a bouquet of fresh cut flowers would also put a smile on my face.  Thus begins my trip to WalMart.   I usually hate driving around here in the daytime...people drive like maniacs and traffic tends to get backed up, but today I had a brand new iPod (a lovely birthday gift from my husband) full of music and I wasn't feeling so tired for once.  So...my drive was not too bad and even trying to park at WalMart (or as I call it, the 7th Circle of Hell) didn't upset me.  Into the store I venture and find what I am looking for then I decided maybe a new pink nightgown was in order.  Well, never knowing my size these days I picked out two or three and headed off to the fitting room area where, of course, there was no attendant in sight.  I figured maybe I could track someone down, try on the gowns and be on my merry way.  Not to be.... I love the kind hearted souls of this world who really do mean well, who try thier very best to put a smile on your face but sometimes don't realize they are hurting your feelings.  Can you guess where this is going?  One of these lovely people approached me as I was leaving the fitting room area and asked me, completely straight faced, when my baby was due.  Ummmm.....ok.  Now, for one I really didn't think I looked that FAT.  I do know that some days, because of my medications, I tend to get bloated but I've pretty much gotten my dressing habits down to a fine science so that I always look a little on the slim side.  Not only that....I was reminded once again by this question that I am now 36 years old and cannot have a child of my own and trust me, the maternal instinct thing has really been kicking in lately so this was not the best feeling in the world to have.  I stood there for a full minute before I could calmly say "I'm not having a baby".  Well...of course then this led the overly caring individual to offer me tips on how to lose all that "nasty fat in my belly".  OFFICIALLY PUSHED OVER THE EDGE.   All I could do was stand there, mutter a thank you, and walk away.   Now I know these people don't know me and really are not trying to be hurtful, but honestly, I think a little more couthe should be used when asking a total stranger such questions, especially out in public where others can hear.  I was completely horrified.  With that, I took my carpet freshener and my lovely scented candles, put the two pretty pink nightgowns back on the rack and went to pay for my things so I could leave.  After all, what's the point of buying pretty new things if I'm too fat and horrible to look pretty in them???  I made my way back to the Jeep, got in, and sat there and had a good long cry and by this time I really didn't care who was staring at me.  When I got home my husband called and I told him I am never leaving the house again unless I can use a drive thru.   Back at home I curled up with my cats, put in a movie and tried to calm myself but wouldn't you know, 5 minutes later found me in front of the mirror looking at myself to see if I really did look that bad.  I couldn't come up with the answer and that made things worse and I'm really getting tired of feeling rotten about myself.  No matter that my husband says he adores my new 'curves' that I've acquired since my diagnosis....no matter that my family says I'm beautiful or that 9 out of 10 times head actually do turn when I'm out in public with my husband.  All it took was one little comment from a stranger and now I feel horrible and ugly and rotten.  Such is life...I just wish someone could understand, most.  I wish all these people who tell me that I'm beautiful could understand why I hate myself these days.  I wish alot of things but really, I just wish I could have one day where I didn't look in the mirror and find something wrong with me (yeah, that's really pushing it but whatever self esteem I had when I left the house today is gone....).  So now I'm off to cuddle with my kitty cats, who really don't care what thier mama looks like so long as I scratch their ears just the way they like it...that's something, right? Hugs and blessings and prayers....CA

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

aaaaawwww! you poor thing! God only knows, I\'m a male and not particularly vain but I too felt horribly depressed about my body, skin and bone on the top bit - a massive bulge in the middle bit and chicken legs to support it all. I would also look in the mirror and see a face, more like a skull really looking back at me and I would feel like crying.

I do understand you from a male point of view, from a female point of view I could never even begin to.

However, things got better for me and they will for you. The ascites will go, you tummy will disappear and you will get back to looking the way you did before. Believe me - it happened to me and it can happen to you - and I know it is easier said than done, but concentrate your mind on getting better, that is what counts. The rest will follow.
Keep fighting every single day and beat this horrid disease - please????
deleted_user
deleted_user

Geesh,some people are just morons that really think they are so smart that they just simply HAVE to share their wealth of knowlege with those who are less blessed in the brain department.yea,right! Since this person was so full of knowledge,wouldn\'t it have been sweet to tell her what the real facts are? Then perhaps,just perhaps she would realize she doesn\'t KNOW IT ALL and would next time keep her big trap shut. Sorry honey,I\'m not too full of compassion or kindness today towards nit-wits like that. From what I see and read,you are beautiful inside as well as outside. As some people get older,more gray,more rounded around the middle,more wrinkles around the eyes,we are sometimes a bit more wise about beauty,we learn to look at the heart and soul and that will make a person more beautiful than being a size 4. You are certainly loved by your man and family and friends,so yes,there are many that see your beauty,both inside and out. Now snuggle up with your kitty cats and realize you are BEAUTIFUL!
deleted_user
deleted_user

A good response (albeit as nasty and distasteful as what was said to you): \"Thank you so much for the advice--I appreciate when people share their experiences with me, it is always so helpful. If you can give me just a second (at this point, start digging in your purse as if looking for something), oh, gosh, I\'m so sorry, I don\'t seem to have one with me. I wanted to give you a business card. This guy is a great plastic surgeon. He did a great job on my grandmother\'s facelift (or eyes, or nose, or pinning her ears back). On well, his name is ________ [just pick a name] and he is listed in the phone book. Give him a call, he does great work! Well, I must be going, good luck, I\'m sure you will be pleased!\"

Now, that being said, as much as I would like to be able to say something like that to an uncaring, cruel, \"well meaning\" stranger who no doubt deserves it, I couldn\'t and more than that, I wouldn\'t. But, you have to admit -- it is fun thinking about it. :)

You are beautiful, and you do NOT look pregnant, not even a little! I know, remember. I had dinner with you and you looked lovely in your precious little sundress!