Hurt Feelings are Hard to Forget...

Just when I think I get a handle on things in my life one little thing interrupts my process and I feel like I'm falling down into a big, dark, scary hole of despair.   Today pretty much started like any other day....took my husband to work around 4:30 am, came home, had a rest, did my housecleaning chores....took some time outside with my critters because my husband is on duty and we won't see him until tomorrow after work so we have no agenda.  Then I decided to wash the bed linens because something about a clean and freshly made bed always makes me feel better.  This was all fine and well and I then decided that, gee, wouldn't it be nice to get some carpet freshener and some new scented candles to make the apartment more cozy?  Perhaps a bouquet of fresh cut flowers would also put a smile on my face.  Thus begins my trip to WalMart.   I usually hate driving around here in the daytime...people drive like maniacs and traffic tends to get backed up, but today I had a brand new iPod (a lovely birthday gift from my husband) full of music and I wasn't feeling so tired for once.  So...my drive was not too bad and even trying to park at WalMart (or as I call it, the 7th Circle of Hell) didn't upset me.  Into the store I venture and find what I am looking for then I decided maybe a new pink nightgown was in order.  Well, never knowing my size these days I picked out two or three and headed off to the fitting room area where, of course, there was no attendant in sight.  I figured maybe I could track someone down, try on the gowns and be on my merry way.  Not to be.... I love the kind hearted souls of this world who really do mean well, who try thier very best to put a smile on your face but sometimes don't realize they are hurting your feelings.  Can you guess where this is going?  One of these lovely people approached me as I was leaving the fitting room area and asked me, completely straight faced, when my baby was due.  Ummmm.....ok.  Now, for one I really didn't think I looked that FAT.  I do know that some days, because of my medications, I tend to get bloated but I've pretty much gotten my dressing habits down to a fine science so that I always look a little on the slim side.  Not only that....I was reminded once again by this question that I am now 36 years old and cannot have a child of my own and trust me, the maternal instinct thing has really been kicking in lately so this was not the best feeling in the world to have.  I stood there for a full minute before I could calmly say "I'm not having a baby".  Well...of course then this led the overly caring individual to offer me tips on how to lose all that "nasty fat in my belly".  OFFICIALLY PUSHED OVER THE EDGE.   All I could do was stand there, mutter a thank you, and walk away.   Now I know these people don't know me and really are not trying to be hurtful, but honestly, I think a little more couthe should be used when asking a total stranger such questions, especially out in public where others can hear.  I was completely horrified.  With that, I took my carpet freshener and my lovely scented candles, put the two pretty pink nightgowns back on the rack and went to pay for my things so I could leave.  After all, what's the point of buying pretty new things if I'm too fat and horrible to look pretty in them???  I made my way back to the Jeep, got in, and sat there and had a good long cry and by this time I really didn't care who was staring at me.  When I got home my husband called and I told him I am never leaving the house again unless I can use a drive thru.   Back at home I curled up with my cats, put in a movie and tried to calm myself but wouldn't you know, 5 minutes later found me in front of the mirror looking at myself to see if I really did look that bad.  I couldn't come up with the answer and that made things worse and I'm really getting tired of feeling rotten about myself.  No matter that my husband says he adores my new 'curves' that I've acquired since my diagnosis....no matter that my family says I'm beautiful or that 9 out of 10 times head actually do turn when I'm out in public with my husband.  All it took was one little comment from a stranger and now I feel horrible and ugly and rotten.  Such is life...I just wish someone could understand, most.  I wish all these people who tell me that I'm beautiful could understand why I hate myself these days.  I wish alot of things but really, I just wish I could have one day where I didn't look in the mirror and find something wrong with me (yeah, that's really pushing it but whatever self esteem I had when I left the house today is gone....).  So now I'm off to cuddle with my kitty cats, who really don't care what thier mama looks like so long as I scratch their ears just the way they like it...that's something, right? Hugs and blessings and prayers....CA