Hurt, Angry, and Betrayed
Tuesday, March 10, 2009 - 10:25 AM I went to another counseling session with my brother yesterday. The results were definitely not good, and I am not sure whether I really want to continue with this. In addition to my brother and me, my therapist, Dale, and psychologist, Dr. Martin, were also there. For almost an hour, we seemed to be getting along well, and making some progress. My brother and I traded memories about our parents, and their marriage, which had not been a good one. It was not exactly a pleasant conversation, but it was interesting to hear how each of us perceived that period of our life to be. My brother said that at that time, he did not like caring for me, but he did care about me. I understood the difference between being cared for and being cared about. I had no problem with that. We spoke about our elementary school days when we both attended the same school. My brother told about how when I needed to use the restroom, he would be notified, and excused from his class in order to take me there. We were seated in my therapist's office with my brother's back facing a large wall clock. I noticed that throughout the session he would often twist around and look at the clock. I could not figure out why he was doing this, but I had the answer by the time our session ended. Our session actually ended about 10 minute’s overtime. At that point, almost as if out of the blue, my brother spoke up and said that he was "ashamed" to be seen with me in public. That really shocked me, and I thought that I might have heard him wrong, so I repeated what I thought I heard and asked if that was what he had said. He said that I heard him right. For once in my life, I was completely and utterly shocked! My brother also seemed to accuse me of not answering his questions fast enough (to suit him), and said that even his wife and two daughters, felt the same way. I am not exactly sure about what else he said, but I intend to ask Dr. Martin when I see her tomorrow afternoon. Then my brother reached underneath his seat, grabbed his jacket and a book, stood up, said that he had to leave right away, and then practically ran out of the office. I never even had a chance to ask him why he had said that about me. Dale said that he had to leave, and even Dr. Martin had somewhere to go. I was still sitting there stunned. As Dr. Martin was about to leave the office, she lightly touched me and said that she would see me at her office Wednesday afternoon. I went home in a state of shock. Once I got to my apartment, I began feeling badly physically. I took a couple of muscle relaxers and then took a nap for about two hours. Upon awakening, I did not feel much better. I was angry and hurt. I felt like crying, and for once in a very long time, I actually did that. When my personal care provider got here to give me dinner, she stayed here much longer than usual. I could not figure out why. She later told me that when she first saw me, I looked pale as a ghost and clammy. Before leaving, she took my blood pressure. As I had suspected, my blood pressure had risen again. It was 150/98. Just before going to bed last night, I explained my situation to my CNAs and asked them to take my blood pressure again. It had risen a little bit, and was then 150/100. It remained at that level through the night and into this morning. I am still feeling hurt, angry, and betrayed.
Replies
I have a feeling, that your brother\'s announcement -
has nothing to do with you.
Something to think about. You\'ve BOTH held things in a long time. Avoided dealing with them.
So neither one of you has the tools or vocabulary to express yourselves accurately.
That has to be learned, and I think therapists etc. are supposed to help teach you to find your way there.
DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED.
I am in your corner. I could be wrong about it, and I\'ll take the hit if I am.
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
You know Jim, I\'ve always had this nagging feeling that therapy with your siblings is not what you need.
I don\'t think it was fair for you to have to listen to that. For one, I can\'t see how that is helpful for anyone to hear. It\'s hurtful. I had some hurtful things said to me in group therapy once and to this day, they make me a little bit angry. It was very experimental therapy and one that I hope to see fade. I believe it\'s more common to recommend separate therapists.
I know that therapists are humans and that the mental health is still a relatively unknown field but I\'m really questioning whether anyone is responsible enough here to say that this is too much for you. It sure as heck would be too much for me right now.
I have to say that sometimes finding out the truth and having our true feelings validated just doesn\'t feel good. Not one freaking bit. My therapist calls this the double-edged sword of awareness. I think you\'ve always suspected that your brother is an asshole and you\'ve tried your hardest to believe he\'s not. Now that he\'s confirmed he\'s a top-notch ASSHOLE, it hurts. I would feel angry for allowing myself to get hurt by him again and that would be my hardest feeling to manage.
Your brother is no brother to you. That is not your fault.
My siblings were forced to take care of me at times. This caused them to be cruel to me at times. Possibly could be the reason my brother raped me. I am working on realizing that none of this is my fault. It\'s also not my responsibility to work on my own healing and help them. I hope that by dealing with my own issues and working on finding my own freedom from unhealthy communication is all I can do. I see you doing that too.
I think it\'s time to say goodbye to your brother and I want to tell you that I would be honored to be in your company. I would be proud to be seen with you. I wouldn\'t resent having to assist you in anyway because I care about you. I would like to see you say to him that you have done your best to repair and maintain a relationship but that you are too far along in the healing process to go back to the stage he is currently at, which is total fucking ignorance.
He totally does have a right to whatever feelings he has but it is not his right to discuss them with you. He is an adult now and he is acting like a child. There is no way you would say those things to him, is there? Even though you are the one who has a right to be angry and resentful?
OOOOh. I\'d like to give your brother a piece of my mind. Can I? Please?
I had trouble falling asleep last night thinking about this after reading Sam\'s comment.
I don\'t mean to sound like I\'m defending your brother over you. I just see (the really HARSH presentation of) what he said as a SYMPTOM. He sounds like a former drinker to me, and I know from you that he is, so I\'m taking it as such. (He sounded like my deceased uncle actually.)
He also sounded like he was in middle school. Who knows where his mind was when that blurt rocketed to the top of his psyche. You know your own mind goes back to the times of your abuse. Do you feel like an adult then? Or are you living in that past moment as a child or teen? Maybe he was too.
Sam may be right, that your sessions including your brother should end. If he\'s going to conduct himself that way on a regular basis, he can just stay home.
But, it might also be an opportunity to fix something that needs fixed. Something in the shadows of BOTH your lives that needs dealing with.
My point was, don\'t decide his statement was one definite thing until you have all the facts. I don\'t want you to miss any opportunities to get a better life for yourself, even if getting it is hard to do for a short time.
And I have to add, had I been there I probably would have blocked the way out of the room and NCIS Gibbs-smacked your brother before letting him leave.
Again, I\'m trying to see YOUR goal at the end of the journey.
Just think of this as pothole season... The road isn\'t perfect, and may need repairs along the way.
More Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
Hi Jim I know how you feel sometimes I wonder how my older sisters feel about me. They grew up watching my parents spending lots of time and effort on me.because I was disabled. All 5 of us spent lots of time together as well. But. I don\'t think I would ever ask them how they REALLY feel.Because deep inside I REALLY don\'t want to kmow. Many hugs-Stephanie
Sam, the rationale behind having family conferences was to help me with my depression. In a assignment that I was given, one of the questions asked what I thought was causing my depression. The first thing I wrote was, \"loss of family ties.\"
Dale later told me that when he saw what I had written, he knew that we would have to get my whole family involved in my counseling. Although I did not like the sound of what he said, I did not disagree with him. Whether that was a mistake or not, I still do not know.
\"There is no way you would say those things to him, is there? Even though you are the one who has a right to be angry and resentful?\"
I really hope I could not say those things. They were mean, cruel, abusive, and I don\'t think anyone should have to put up with that.
\"OOOOh. I\'d like to give your brother a piece of my mind. Can I? Please?\"
Not just yet. Let\'s wait a while and see what happens.
CoolGal, sometimes it\'s best not knowing how people really feel. There\'s nothing wrong with that.
I\'m glad you see the abusive nature to his comments.
Perhaps this was all meant to happen, Jim. I hope that you feel closer ties elsewhere. Blood relations are simply that.
I am so sorry to hear about the way you are being treated. You are a good person. It is a shame that your brother treats you that way.
I remember that my brother always acted like I did not exist.
I was a chubby school girl in elementary school because of the sexual abuse that happened in previous years.
One day when I was walking home from school, a boy started mocking me.
He taunted me over and over again about how I looked.
I did not know my brother was walking somewhat behind us.
He ran up and wrestled that kid to the ground.
He said some threatening thing or other.
The tormentor slithered away.
I was shocked my brother stood up for me...so I thought.
I smiled warmly. I told him thank you for standing by me as my brother.
He said \" You just don\'t get it, do you ? I am ashamed of you. I am ashamed that people know you are my sister. You are SO ugly..\"
Red hot knife to the heart.
That has been decades ago....
I will never forget it.
The pain is much smaller now, as is the shock in hearing his spoken words.
Still, that moment is locked in my memory.
To this day, he has problems with women that he deems are unattractive.
I am very sorry that you had to experience those cruel words from someone you thought was a trusted family member.
As it was stated above, you really do not know what was his intent or meaning.
He may have been trying to be honest and purge himself of a hideous crime against you. He may lack courage or an ability to properly relay his correct sentiment. Or, he could be just like my brother. Hope not.
Sometimes we assume we know what someone thinks.
He may have been doing a personal inventory of sorts.
Time will tell.
For now, this is an opportunity for you to dive into deeply loving self care.
This too shall pass.
I am proud to be your friend.