Hurt, Angry, and Betrayed

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 - 10:25 AM    I went to another counseling session with my brother yesterday. The results were definitely not good, and I am not sure whether I really want to continue with this.   In addition to my brother and me, my therapist, Dale, and psychologist, Dr. Martin, were also there.   For almost an hour, we seemed to be getting along well, and making some progress. My brother and I traded memories about our parents, and their marriage, which had not been a good one. It was not exactly a pleasant conversation, but it was interesting to hear how each of us perceived that period of our life to be.   My brother said that at that time, he did not like caring for me, but he did care about me. I understood the difference between being cared for and being cared about. I had no problem with that.   We spoke about our elementary school days when we both attended the same school. My brother told about how when I needed to use the restroom, he would be notified, and excused from his class in order to take me there.   We were seated in my therapist's office with my brother's back facing a large wall clock. I noticed that throughout the session he would often twist around and look at the clock. I could not figure out why he was doing this, but I had the answer by the time our session ended.   Our session actually ended about 10 minute’s overtime. At that point, almost as if out of the blue, my brother spoke up and said that he was "ashamed" to be seen with me in public. That really shocked me, and I thought that I might have heard him wrong, so I repeated what I thought I heard and asked if that was what he had said. He said that I heard him right. For once in my life, I was completely and utterly shocked!   My brother also seemed to accuse me of not answering his questions fast enough (to suit him), and said that even his wife and two daughters, felt the same way. I am not exactly sure about what else he said, but I intend to ask Dr. Martin when I see her tomorrow afternoon.   Then my brother reached underneath his seat, grabbed his jacket and a book, stood up, said that he had to leave right away, and then practically ran out of the office. I never even had a chance to ask him why he had said that about me.   Dale said that he had to leave, and even Dr. Martin had somewhere to go. I was still sitting there stunned. As Dr. Martin was about to leave the office, she lightly touched me and said that she would see me at her office Wednesday afternoon.   I went home in a state of shock. Once I got to my apartment, I began feeling badly physically. I took a couple of muscle relaxers and then took a nap for about two hours. Upon awakening, I did not feel much better. I was angry and hurt. I felt like crying, and for once in a very long time, I actually did that.   When my personal care provider got here to give me dinner, she stayed here much longer than usual. I could not figure out why. She later told me that when she first saw me, I looked pale as a ghost and clammy. Before leaving, she took my blood pressure. As I had suspected, my blood pressure had risen again. It was 150/98.   Just before going to bed last night, I explained my situation to my CNAs and asked them to take my blood pressure again. It had risen a little bit, and was then 150/100. It remained at that level through the night and into this morning.   I am still feeling hurt, angry, and betrayed.