Hump day
Trying to get over the hump... getting late and Im very tired but its been far too long since I wrote an entry. Things are kinda crazy right now, I feel on one hand like I am in a good rhythm but on the other hand I feel like I am stuck in a rut in the mud. Weeks go by, nothing seems to change, nothing seems to get better and I am not finding any direction or focus for myself. When things get too predictable I tend to do something stupid or dangerous, mess things up, take a risk, look to shake things up.
On the positive side I really shouldn't have much to worry about, I am working out a lot and it feels great. I have been doing a lot of cooking in the kitchen, making good food and eating healthy but delicious meals. I am not overwhelmed with work by any means, I only work about 30 hours a week right now.
On the other hand I am feeling so desperate to get out of my job, I hate getting up and going to work, I spend about 3 hours a day driving right now, which means for 30 hours of work I add about 15 hours of driving, meaning "work" actually still takes up 45 hours or more. My job no longer challenges me or rewards me, I no longer feel respected or important, I no longer identify myself as a "teacher" and I have no idea who I am or what to do. Its crazy how important that is to us and to our lives. The money side annoys me a little bit, I want to make more, but its more the respect and the fact I don't really respect myself right now - the school I work for just doesn't seem to care at all about education an principles, and only wants to turn a profit, its disgusting to me. They have jerked me around and cut me back to part time and have no concern for me or my students.
I still have lots to be thankful for, my wife, my home, my family, my health, my friends. But living in constant doubt, feeling like I am in limbo, looking for other jobs constantly, but not knowing which path to take (not that any decent job offers have come up). There is so many paths my life can take on a daily basis, it is overwhelming and suffocating --- I just had a crazy thought, maybe THAT is part of the reason I always turn back to gambling? Not for the hope for change which is what I think on the surface, but maybe subliminally I always returned to gambling for that good old reliability, I always know what to expect, I know how I will feel, I will feel either good or bad, most likely both at different parts, whether its this week or next, but gambling is like the equalizer, it returns me back to my rock bottom, where I know the old familiar view all to well, looking at the world from down there at rock bottom everything makes sense, I suddenly know what to do, I can focus on going "day to day" and just focus on not gambling and climbing out of the hole, it gives me a reason to go to work, to pay back all the bills I owe. Do I sound completely crazy?? Maybe it is the lack of gambling that is actually making me feel desperate and suffocated for lack of purpose? And if that is so, what can I find to replace that "purpose" so that I don't fall back into those habits again? What is worth dedicating my life to? What do I really want to acheive? Ughhhhh I always hate these questions, maybe its because I cant answer them, or maybe thats why I have never answered them.
Maybe what I need to do is to start with the goal of finding a goal haha. I have tried, I have tried so many times over the years, I have done so much research into myself, found my likes and dislikes, my passions, things I want to pursue, things I would want to do. The problem is there is never ONE thing that makes me want to give up everything else. There are a million things I want to do, it would be easier to count the stars than to narrow down the list of things I WANT to do. But when it comes to doing something for a living, making money, there is almost nothing that I can figure out other than being an employee and being at the whims of people who will look at my resume and probably decide I am not the right person. I have way too much self doubt, no self confidence, but also no money to make my dreams come true... If I only had $100,000 I could start a business, there are so many business ideas I could pursue. If only I had a few months where I didnt have to work I could write one of the books I have already started writing but abandoned due to "lack of time:...I want to be rich, I want to be famous, I have delusions of grandeur common in gambling addicts. I am also a bit of a pessimist, or a realist, there is always a good reason why things will not work out. I could be a very good critic, or a devil's advocate, is there any money to be made in that? I love writing and music and movies but what else is new, the world is full of people who dream of being creative, the world is also full of starving artists. I feel like I have great business ideas, but I also don't feel confident in my own actual abilities, despite the fact that I teach business to college students... The exercise is always the same, it is a circular wheel, I never get anywhere with it. And it feels even worse now because I feel like I am running out of time, I am getting old! In my twenties I was optimistic that one day something good would happen, now I am a little more desperate. part of me worries that even if I can define what it is I want to do, (be it in HR, accounting, teaching, training, marketing, sales, or even going back to school and becoming an architect, an engineer, getting my masters, who knows!) and I do go and get a "good" job, that I will never truly be happy with that either, that I will always be restless, always searching, never finding, a lost soul, a lost cause...
Well, that post didnt turn out as planned, part of the reason I put off coming on DS is because this is what happens, I spend WAY more time than anticipated! haha usually it makes me feel better but I am struggling to find that positive note to wrap up on, and now I am way too tired and exhausted, wow have I been writing for an hour???
All I can do is say the serenity prayer to myself, as I do frequently lately, grant me the serenity to accept the things I CANT change, but COURAGE to change the things I CAN, and of course wisdom to help me figure out which is which! Gambling is certainly something I can change, 3 months GF tomorrow woohoo!
On the positive side I really shouldn't have much to worry about, I am working out a lot and it feels great. I have been doing a lot of cooking in the kitchen, making good food and eating healthy but delicious meals. I am not overwhelmed with work by any means, I only work about 30 hours a week right now.
On the other hand I am feeling so desperate to get out of my job, I hate getting up and going to work, I spend about 3 hours a day driving right now, which means for 30 hours of work I add about 15 hours of driving, meaning "work" actually still takes up 45 hours or more. My job no longer challenges me or rewards me, I no longer feel respected or important, I no longer identify myself as a "teacher" and I have no idea who I am or what to do. Its crazy how important that is to us and to our lives. The money side annoys me a little bit, I want to make more, but its more the respect and the fact I don't really respect myself right now - the school I work for just doesn't seem to care at all about education an principles, and only wants to turn a profit, its disgusting to me. They have jerked me around and cut me back to part time and have no concern for me or my students.
I still have lots to be thankful for, my wife, my home, my family, my health, my friends. But living in constant doubt, feeling like I am in limbo, looking for other jobs constantly, but not knowing which path to take (not that any decent job offers have come up). There is so many paths my life can take on a daily basis, it is overwhelming and suffocating --- I just had a crazy thought, maybe THAT is part of the reason I always turn back to gambling? Not for the hope for change which is what I think on the surface, but maybe subliminally I always returned to gambling for that good old reliability, I always know what to expect, I know how I will feel, I will feel either good or bad, most likely both at different parts, whether its this week or next, but gambling is like the equalizer, it returns me back to my rock bottom, where I know the old familiar view all to well, looking at the world from down there at rock bottom everything makes sense, I suddenly know what to do, I can focus on going "day to day" and just focus on not gambling and climbing out of the hole, it gives me a reason to go to work, to pay back all the bills I owe. Do I sound completely crazy?? Maybe it is the lack of gambling that is actually making me feel desperate and suffocated for lack of purpose? And if that is so, what can I find to replace that "purpose" so that I don't fall back into those habits again? What is worth dedicating my life to? What do I really want to acheive? Ughhhhh I always hate these questions, maybe its because I cant answer them, or maybe thats why I have never answered them.
Maybe what I need to do is to start with the goal of finding a goal haha. I have tried, I have tried so many times over the years, I have done so much research into myself, found my likes and dislikes, my passions, things I want to pursue, things I would want to do. The problem is there is never ONE thing that makes me want to give up everything else. There are a million things I want to do, it would be easier to count the stars than to narrow down the list of things I WANT to do. But when it comes to doing something for a living, making money, there is almost nothing that I can figure out other than being an employee and being at the whims of people who will look at my resume and probably decide I am not the right person. I have way too much self doubt, no self confidence, but also no money to make my dreams come true... If I only had $100,000 I could start a business, there are so many business ideas I could pursue. If only I had a few months where I didnt have to work I could write one of the books I have already started writing but abandoned due to "lack of time:...I want to be rich, I want to be famous, I have delusions of grandeur common in gambling addicts. I am also a bit of a pessimist, or a realist, there is always a good reason why things will not work out. I could be a very good critic, or a devil's advocate, is there any money to be made in that? I love writing and music and movies but what else is new, the world is full of people who dream of being creative, the world is also full of starving artists. I feel like I have great business ideas, but I also don't feel confident in my own actual abilities, despite the fact that I teach business to college students... The exercise is always the same, it is a circular wheel, I never get anywhere with it. And it feels even worse now because I feel like I am running out of time, I am getting old! In my twenties I was optimistic that one day something good would happen, now I am a little more desperate. part of me worries that even if I can define what it is I want to do, (be it in HR, accounting, teaching, training, marketing, sales, or even going back to school and becoming an architect, an engineer, getting my masters, who knows!) and I do go and get a "good" job, that I will never truly be happy with that either, that I will always be restless, always searching, never finding, a lost soul, a lost cause...
Well, that post didnt turn out as planned, part of the reason I put off coming on DS is because this is what happens, I spend WAY more time than anticipated! haha usually it makes me feel better but I am struggling to find that positive note to wrap up on, and now I am way too tired and exhausted, wow have I been writing for an hour???
All I can do is say the serenity prayer to myself, as I do frequently lately, grant me the serenity to accept the things I CANT change, but COURAGE to change the things I CAN, and of course wisdom to help me figure out which is which! Gambling is certainly something I can change, 3 months GF tomorrow woohoo!
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