Humm Nothing Special

I came in to my therapist today and not quite sure what to say, where to start.  She said, “Well, I know what we are not going to be talking about.”  Yeah.  I said on my message last Friday night I want one time not talking about my problem – I’m so tired of it.  I told her we will need to talk about it Thursday because of stuff going on this weekend.  And then the trip we’ll need to talk and then do exposures again.  She listened.  Then I told her when I have to go to the bathroom this time I do want to wait and I want her to watch the clock for me.  It’s been a very long time since we’ve done that and I want to see where I’m at.  OK, she told me and that we won’t make a big deal about it.  No.  She acted a bit pre-occupied a little today.  I actually got there before her and she came in with what looked like a folder.  Maybe she was at a meeting.  Maybe she was at her MRI/Cat scan or seeing the doctor.  She said she has that test at the end of the month and she’d keep me informed.  I hope to God she’s OK and will be OK with her cancer and that it never comes back!  On my message to her Friday night I did say her name in a healing prayer.  I had to say it under my breath but the most important thing is God heard it.  We didn’t talk about that at all today.  So we talked about what happened this weekend beginning with Friday and the lady I saw there from my place.  We talked and laughed about it.  Her daughter is a chiropractic and I asked her who was there before her because I knew she was on that street.  Right before a Christian Counseling and before that The Wellness Center.  And we talked about a cousin through marriage that acted strange when I saw her in the bathroom before it began.  Either she’s angry I came back into the family – that was my Mom’s fault.  She got into it with so many we weren’t invited to things.  Or, the way I look younger and skinnier (she’s heavy).  She was also friends with my sister-in-law who is so cold.  But I told her I just ignored it and went on.  She thought that was good.  We talked about what fun shopping I had with my friend on Saturday.  How much she appreciated it and complimented me how I have such an eye for fashion and matching and such.  We got her a dress, a shirt to go with a skirt and another shirt to go with pants.  I told her I just acted myself and tried to forget about what she said after the trip.  She thought that was good.  One I started to say something like, “Even when I …” and then stopped knowing I didn’t want to talk about my problem at all and said that.    Then I talked about my husband and Father’s Day yesterday.  How he’s no fun and I get tired of it.  I love him but don’t like him.  How I hate being at home and him ignoring me, all that.  She said maybe his Progesterone is down and when he goes to the doctor he can get that tested and get a patch.  I didn’t know when he goes next but I’d mention it to him.  And now I have the trip.  Last year I made my own fun and did.  She said I may have to become friendly with another couple and I’m good at that.  And how he’s says things not nice to me sometimes.  It doesn’t bother me as much as others would because I know he loves me.  But still.  Then I told her I wanted to watch videos.  She said half jokingly, “My favorite.”  She says no one like to throw up but understands mine is more extreme.  She looked first then held it for me at a distance – not real close.  We ended up looking at 3 of them.  She laughs when she looks at them.  I’m not sure why.  Her reaction?  She’s amazed at what’s out there on YouTube.  I said everything’s on YouTube.    She said she has a 10 year old little girl she sees with the same fear as myself.  She even missed a lot of school because of it.  A boy behind her started it when he threw up and to cure herself (they laugh about it now) she got the flu real bad and threw up 5 different times through the night.  She said her parents were very understanding.  Humm … my cousin’s little girl has the same thing and she’s about 10, too.  Wonder if it’s her.  She wouldn’t tell me if it is.  I told her she had to go on medicine.    Speaking of medicine I told her about my friend trying something a couple years ago and took one and didn’t take anymore because of the way it made her feel.  I shared with her that I tried a study maybe 20 years ago – maybe Zoloft when it first came out – I don’t know.  I took one pill and I could sit in front of the TV with the controls and change channels all day long.  I got out of the study and never have taken anything like that before.  I didn’t like the way it made me feel.  I’m a doer, goer and that wasn’t right.  I took only one pill and never again.  So my friend took a medicine she got from a Psychiatrist for a week and maybe that’s why she acted like she did with me having to suggest everything the other day.  But I’m tired of doing that with everyone.  We know why I’m a take charge person but I didn’t say.  So my friend said maybe she just needs counseling.  So I told my therapist because she may call her because I suggested her to this person’s son and he did go to her.  She said that maybe she should refer her to someone else if she calls.  Yes.  Even in the building but I told her I wouldn’t want to run into her there although she knows I see a massage therapist.  She doesn’t take her health plan but her partner does.  But I think she’ll steer her elsewhere because she said it wouldn’t be good anyway because she saw her son.  I didn’t say but she sees my kids.  I know she’s not 100% on that but I think it’s perfectly fine. I also said how this friend can call me with all her problems and then become ‘Miss Independent’ like going to the psychiatrist.  She just listened.  So going back to the throwing up thing.  I’m so scared now because I don’t EVER EVER want to throw up.  And, now I’m afraid I might because it happened to that little girl she sees.  I told her it’s been since I was about 7 but I’ve gagged since.  I can’t do exposures with that like I do with the other.  That’s why the videos are good.  She first asked if I wanted to do it because of my Mexico trip.  No, just in general.  She did say to bring anti-diarrhea medicine with me there because you never know.  She said about the throwing up I could get the flu or eat something bad at a restaurant.  It scares me so much she doesn’t even know.  Please God, I don’t EVER EVER want to throw up.  Thank you.  I told her as homework I’d look more closely at the videos since she said I didn’t have to throw up.  No!  No!  When I had to go to the bathroom we were watching a video.  I told her, she glanced at the clock and we just kept on watching.  At a little break she asked me how I was doing on waiting.  I asked her how long it’s been.  She said 5 minutes so I continued to wait longer while we watched another video.  After she told me it was about 8 minutes – approaching 10 minutes.  She asked me if it was time.  I didn’t say and she again asked if I was going to go.  Yes.  I think she upped the minutes a little but that’s OK.  I didn’t want any problems and did not want to talk about it at all.  We didn’t.  I went, came back and no mention of it at all.  Nice.    She kept looking through her appointment book while I was writing her check out.  Like she was looking for dates.  Maybe she has to schedule something or has something scheduled.  Earlier, she did ask me when I’m going on my trip and I told her.  Maybe she has another vacation.  If there’s a conflict of time or she needs to change something she usually doesn’t tell me way ahead of time.  She should though.  I mentioned that my daughter’s boyfriend should be calling today if he hasn’t already – about Wednesday.  “To cancel?” she asked almost like she expected him to.  “No, he’s mixed up,” is all I said.  She asked me if I have my massage on Thursday.  I said I have my little 10 minute one today but I didn’t see her yet.  She missed it last Thursday and I came Friday instead.  She told me she felt real bad about that.  Does that mean she talked about me.  I hope not.  She told me she wouldn’t tell her anything about my problem.  But that one time, before my 30 minute one, I think she did and that’s not right.  I told her how I want to do a 30 minute every once in a while, other people do a whole hour, but I can’t just yet.  But we are not talking about that.  No, so we didn’t.  10 minutes is fine is all I said.  She did look out the window, saw her car and said she was here.  I went to my message therapist after.  She did my 10 minutes and was in a hurry to get out today.  No 50 minute talk before we began like she did last Friday.  I asked her about her trip and she kept talking and talking before she even began.  In fact she was ready to start and I told her I was going to go to the bathroom first.  It was like she did the last time I had to tell her I had to go.  Like a ‘yeah, good’ type thing.  Very happy and what a wonderful thing I had just said.  Wonder what my therapist told her!  ??  It’s my business!  Unless she’s protecting me but she needs to be honest with me and tell me that.  And, I still think she was pre-occupied with something today.  I hope all is well.