Human Being versus Human "Doing"
I am trying hard not to fill my every waking moment with activities leaving no time for grieving. For the first year after Max died, I was numb. I just stumbled through each day and slept as often as I could. And cried and cried and cried. Moving into the second year after his death, my feelings have come back and I am so sad. I'm sad for Max's sister, for my husband, for his cousins, my sister, etc. My feelings are not positive most of the time and it's so hard now that I'm capable of feeling again. I have always been very good at "denial." For a long time I denied Max used drugs. I allowed myself to be manipulated by my beloved son. As I educated myself, I saw his problem for what it was and did my utmost best not to enable him. I know from reading posts on FMO that the feelings of grief have to be expressed in order for them to lessen. So I am slogging through the incredible feelings of loss, sadness, and vulnerability that many of my FMO's have experienced. I am not letting myself hide my head in the sand. Nor am I allowing myself to stay in the grief chasm for too long. In order to allow myself to feel, I have tried to stop doing as much (I retired early in August) to fill my time. I am trying to be a human "being" rather than a human "doing." It's so very hard. I've written before that I am a woman who lives in the solution. I like to fix things and help others. What we're going through can't be fixed. Ever. It is what it is. I ask myself what Max's death can teach me? Patience. Vulnerability. Appreciation for what I have. Living in the moment. Expressing my love openly. I only wish my son didn't have to die in order for me to learn these things. Max, I love and miss you so much. You are my soul. Please help me move forward and through the sadness until I reach a point where I can tuck it away and bring it out occassionally.