HUGE trigger warning. Sexual addiction for non-addicts.
I recently saw a question in SEXUAL ADDICTION from someone who wanted more information about it, as a man she'd recently started seeing admitted he was a sex addict. She needed basic information on it, so I answered what someone OUTSIDE the addiction would need to know. It turned out well enough i wanted to put it here to share it for anyone who needs it.
Full disclosure, sex with partners, friends, casual acquaintances and total strangers was an addiction for a long time for me. I think it came from my sexual abuse as a child, which left me feeling no self worth except when I "did things" for other people. Dealing with my abuse and self esteem mostly cleared up my addiction. Some of my hobbies still LOOK like what I did as an addict, the difference being I can stop now and go do something important if i need to. My addiction is now down to about the same level as my "addiction" to Doctor Who and sausage pizza.
My posted answer follows... For some of us, "sexual addiction" means that sex partners are like potato chips, we can't ever stop at one. So even IF he loves you sincerely, he will be trolling on craigslist, backpage, other places for women, men, transsexuals and bisexuals to have casual hookups with. If he's one of these and still acting out, I'd say DON'T get involved. Those of us at this point are train wrecks. When we are the ones that need lots of partners in person, we will lie, we will sneak off, and you will be left alone when you need us most. I've been there, and I still feel awful about what I put my significant others through. I loved them, cared about them, but I also thought I needed the validation and approval of strangers by making them feel pretty damn good to be honest. It sort of looks like Quagmire on family guy, but inside we're desperate to feel like people like us and we only know one way people LIKE US FOR SURE. Some of us are porn addicts, and spend more time than we should watching porn and masturbating to it. There's a lot of shame and guilt on our side of it. BUT let's be honest, if that's how he acts out, he won't cheat on you and won't be THAT distracted from the relationship. YES, we can spend 3 or 4 hours some days watching sex and masturbating until we can't go another time, but have you ever known a sports junkie that spends 6 hours a sunday watching football? It's not that different from the point of view of someone dating us. The guy isn't watching football because he really doesn't really love his girlfriend. There's just this other thing he does too, and feels weird and unhappy if he doesn't do it. Right now, I am a porn addict. Compared to the other way, it's better. If he's one of these, and you can accept that every once in a while he needs a few hours of alone time, maybe get involved. Porn is free, so it's a cheap hobby unless he's dumb enough to pay for it. But if it makes you feel like it's somehow YOUR fault, it won't work. Now some of us are somewhere in the middle, we get addicted to watching live performers, which gets VERY EXPENSIVE. Don't date anyone with expensive addictions. Crack, paying for porn, paying for hookers, gambling... all will end up in a train wreck. Some of us are exhibitionists and get people to watch US on line. That's also going to mean he spends time alone away from you, but at least it's free. So if that's his thing, if you can tolerate it, just remember it's not about YOU it's about him. Like any other addiction, it can be overcome but it's a LOT of work. Most addicts find quitting to be a lot of work and try to negotiate with the addiction. and to be honest, some can. If this guy starts missing work for his addiction of doesnt even SEE you for 2 days, he isn't negotiating with his addiction. (Full disclosure, I worked on WHY I was an addict, got myself down to where my porn addiction is about as much as most people watch TV a day, and since I hate TV, I figure I have it just about manageable.) All this is VERY weird to someone who isn't a sex addict and if any of what I said was helpful, I dont mind private messages to answer more detailed questions.
Full disclosure, sex with partners, friends, casual acquaintances and total strangers was an addiction for a long time for me. I think it came from my sexual abuse as a child, which left me feeling no self worth except when I "did things" for other people. Dealing with my abuse and self esteem mostly cleared up my addiction. Some of my hobbies still LOOK like what I did as an addict, the difference being I can stop now and go do something important if i need to. My addiction is now down to about the same level as my "addiction" to Doctor Who and sausage pizza.
My posted answer follows... For some of us, "sexual addiction" means that sex partners are like potato chips, we can't ever stop at one. So even IF he loves you sincerely, he will be trolling on craigslist, backpage, other places for women, men, transsexuals and bisexuals to have casual hookups with. If he's one of these and still acting out, I'd say DON'T get involved. Those of us at this point are train wrecks. When we are the ones that need lots of partners in person, we will lie, we will sneak off, and you will be left alone when you need us most. I've been there, and I still feel awful about what I put my significant others through. I loved them, cared about them, but I also thought I needed the validation and approval of strangers by making them feel pretty damn good to be honest. It sort of looks like Quagmire on family guy, but inside we're desperate to feel like people like us and we only know one way people LIKE US FOR SURE. Some of us are porn addicts, and spend more time than we should watching porn and masturbating to it. There's a lot of shame and guilt on our side of it. BUT let's be honest, if that's how he acts out, he won't cheat on you and won't be THAT distracted from the relationship. YES, we can spend 3 or 4 hours some days watching sex and masturbating until we can't go another time, but have you ever known a sports junkie that spends 6 hours a sunday watching football? It's not that different from the point of view of someone dating us. The guy isn't watching football because he really doesn't really love his girlfriend. There's just this other thing he does too, and feels weird and unhappy if he doesn't do it. Right now, I am a porn addict. Compared to the other way, it's better. If he's one of these, and you can accept that every once in a while he needs a few hours of alone time, maybe get involved. Porn is free, so it's a cheap hobby unless he's dumb enough to pay for it. But if it makes you feel like it's somehow YOUR fault, it won't work. Now some of us are somewhere in the middle, we get addicted to watching live performers, which gets VERY EXPENSIVE. Don't date anyone with expensive addictions. Crack, paying for porn, paying for hookers, gambling... all will end up in a train wreck. Some of us are exhibitionists and get people to watch US on line. That's also going to mean he spends time alone away from you, but at least it's free. So if that's his thing, if you can tolerate it, just remember it's not about YOU it's about him. Like any other addiction, it can be overcome but it's a LOT of work. Most addicts find quitting to be a lot of work and try to negotiate with the addiction. and to be honest, some can. If this guy starts missing work for his addiction of doesnt even SEE you for 2 days, he isn't negotiating with his addiction. (Full disclosure, I worked on WHY I was an addict, got myself down to where my porn addiction is about as much as most people watch TV a day, and since I hate TV, I figure I have it just about manageable.) All this is VERY weird to someone who isn't a sex addict and if any of what I said was helpful, I dont mind private messages to answer more detailed questions.
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