Huge milestone! Very happy!
Today is Holy Thursday. The service is in essence the service of the passion of Christ. A long but beautiful and poignant service.
I worked a long day today prior to the service. I came home wiped out at like 10 min before time to leave for church. I was so tired and sore and hungry but I sucked it up and got dressed and put on a pain patch and took ibuprofen and caffein and took my food with me to eat in the car. Ugh. All day while working I had been feeling sorrowful. A slightly different feeling than I have felt before. I believe it was the leftovers from last nights devastation over the Holy Oil denial and my total breakdown and long talk with the priest. In that talk I really opened up to him and was able to express my deepest feelings and struggles. It was different than our weekly confessions where I carefully think of what and how to say things. In that talk last night the priest let me know that I would probably be given absolution and brought back into communion at Pentecost, end of June.
At the end of the service tonight he motioned me over to talk and told me he had changed his mind about Pentecost. He said he wants me to take communion for the Easter service! HE GAVE ME ABSOLUTION!!! I lately have been feeling a burning increasing need for absolution and here it was without warning! This heavy heavy burden I have been carrying these 11 mos has finally been absolved. As of right now I feel amazing and so happy. Not that I expect the damage and scars to be gone. I don't. I have been given some things I must do prior to receiving communion and from now on I will take communion for the 12 major feasts of the year and I must always go to confession prior, but now I will get absolution whenever I go to confession. I have gone to confession every week for 11 mos without ever getting absolution and it feels so good. My H and I think that the reason he changed his mind is because of my deep sorrow and complete opening up to him last night. He saw something in all that that convinced him I am ready and the time is right. Eventually I will be able to take communion any time I feel prepared. I must also keep up all the sprirtual disciplines given to me during this time of healing. I wasn't planned on stopping ever. I need it.
Another interesting note, to receive absolution he had me kneel in front of the cross that had been placed there during the passion service tonight. During the prayers of absolution I was crying and so was H. A part of the prayer is about how God forgave the adulterous woman who knelt at Jesus feet and annointed them with her tears of repentance. I realized, I am in a sense that adulterous woman as I was kneeling at the foot of the cross in repentance with my tears.
I would appologize for these extremely religiously oriented posts but, hey, it's a journal right?
I worked a long day today prior to the service. I came home wiped out at like 10 min before time to leave for church. I was so tired and sore and hungry but I sucked it up and got dressed and put on a pain patch and took ibuprofen and caffein and took my food with me to eat in the car. Ugh. All day while working I had been feeling sorrowful. A slightly different feeling than I have felt before. I believe it was the leftovers from last nights devastation over the Holy Oil denial and my total breakdown and long talk with the priest. In that talk I really opened up to him and was able to express my deepest feelings and struggles. It was different than our weekly confessions where I carefully think of what and how to say things. In that talk last night the priest let me know that I would probably be given absolution and brought back into communion at Pentecost, end of June.
At the end of the service tonight he motioned me over to talk and told me he had changed his mind about Pentecost. He said he wants me to take communion for the Easter service! HE GAVE ME ABSOLUTION!!! I lately have been feeling a burning increasing need for absolution and here it was without warning! This heavy heavy burden I have been carrying these 11 mos has finally been absolved. As of right now I feel amazing and so happy. Not that I expect the damage and scars to be gone. I don't. I have been given some things I must do prior to receiving communion and from now on I will take communion for the 12 major feasts of the year and I must always go to confession prior, but now I will get absolution whenever I go to confession. I have gone to confession every week for 11 mos without ever getting absolution and it feels so good. My H and I think that the reason he changed his mind is because of my deep sorrow and complete opening up to him last night. He saw something in all that that convinced him I am ready and the time is right. Eventually I will be able to take communion any time I feel prepared. I must also keep up all the sprirtual disciplines given to me during this time of healing. I wasn't planned on stopping ever. I need it.
Another interesting note, to receive absolution he had me kneel in front of the cross that had been placed there during the passion service tonight. During the prayers of absolution I was crying and so was H. A part of the prayer is about how God forgave the adulterous woman who knelt at Jesus feet and annointed them with her tears of repentance. I realized, I am in a sense that adulterous woman as I was kneeling at the foot of the cross in repentance with my tears.
I would appologize for these extremely religiously oriented posts but, hey, it's a journal right?
Replies
Wow..how nice :) I\'m so happy you received absolution. And so thrilled to see such a joyous journal entry. Sounds like you\'re doing a PHENOMENAL job in your recovery process..and the priest(s?) have also noticed your remarkable work/progress. So proud of you girl. I wish you only blessings... :) HUGS!! Congrats!!!