Huge crash and burn - my fault
Well, my setback I spoke of on Thursday became a reality on Friday. I can't believe I did this to myself again.
After my divorce in April 2014, my ex and I got back together in a way last year, then she dumped me again at Christmas. I was devastated as I had thought we were making great progress reconciling, and she had even moved stuff in to my apartment to stay overnight sometimes. Then - just like that it was done again. It almost hurt as much as her divorcing me.
You'd think I would have learned from it. I started slowly to pick myself back up. I was doing a little better each week. Then, I reached a point of being "okay." Then, she started walking with me again this spring, coming for dinner and so forth. On the 5th, she allowed me to be intimate with her again - the first time since September of last year. It was really nice and she even stayed and snuggled for a bit after. I was in heaven.
Then...she disappeared. She was unavailable for our almost daily walks right up until yesterday, the 15th. I texted to her to ask if she had regrets, and if we were okay. She texted back no regrets and asked why I would ask her that. Then I pushed her to just tell me the truth about whatever was going on, and she told me she had been very busy, but she was going on a date tonight (15th). I was floored and got whiplash from her being intimate and loving with me to her deciding, for the first time since the divorce, to start dating. This above all else made it real to me that we are done, and I'm heartbroken. I didn't sleep at all last night and I couldn't get out of bed until after noon today. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on.
Why did I do this again? Why do I love her so much? I feel a lot like @ESL in his quest to keep his wife and family, in spite of all evidence that she is done. I set myself up. I was reeled back in and kicked hard. I'm so lost now, and of course my head is filled with projecting about her date, and my son meeting him, and on and on. Our routine walks, where we shared our day and she would give me advice about work, and hold my hand... No more. Her being here with my son for me to cook dinner and us to be a family again in a way... No more.
I still have tickets to two concerts that I was going to be taking her to. Do I still go with her? I'm hurting so much. I feel like I need some clear boundaries and as close to no-contact as I can get given our son. I've not set boundaries before. I just always craved her time and the crumbs of affection she would throw me. I can't take this.
Also, my step-daughter and her boyfriend are moving out of state for a job he just got. There is a going away party for them next week at the house and I had accepted the invitation. It is also my weekend with my son that weekend. Do I go to the party? Do I drop my son off instead so he can say goodbye to his sister? If I go, can I stay briefly enough to wish them well and then leave? Will I lose it and cry at the party if I go - seeing her? What to do?
Man did I set myself up for a hard fall - the hardest yet as it is clearly final now and I have no chance. I'm exhausted, drained and have physical pain in my chest that won't stop. My throat is all tight and hurts. I only cried briefly today - the tears won't even come now.
After my divorce in April 2014, my ex and I got back together in a way last year, then she dumped me again at Christmas. I was devastated as I had thought we were making great progress reconciling, and she had even moved stuff in to my apartment to stay overnight sometimes. Then - just like that it was done again. It almost hurt as much as her divorcing me.
You'd think I would have learned from it. I started slowly to pick myself back up. I was doing a little better each week. Then, I reached a point of being "okay." Then, she started walking with me again this spring, coming for dinner and so forth. On the 5th, she allowed me to be intimate with her again - the first time since September of last year. It was really nice and she even stayed and snuggled for a bit after. I was in heaven.
Then...she disappeared. She was unavailable for our almost daily walks right up until yesterday, the 15th. I texted to her to ask if she had regrets, and if we were okay. She texted back no regrets and asked why I would ask her that. Then I pushed her to just tell me the truth about whatever was going on, and she told me she had been very busy, but she was going on a date tonight (15th). I was floored and got whiplash from her being intimate and loving with me to her deciding, for the first time since the divorce, to start dating. This above all else made it real to me that we are done, and I'm heartbroken. I didn't sleep at all last night and I couldn't get out of bed until after noon today. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on.
Why did I do this again? Why do I love her so much? I feel a lot like @ESL in his quest to keep his wife and family, in spite of all evidence that she is done. I set myself up. I was reeled back in and kicked hard. I'm so lost now, and of course my head is filled with projecting about her date, and my son meeting him, and on and on. Our routine walks, where we shared our day and she would give me advice about work, and hold my hand... No more. Her being here with my son for me to cook dinner and us to be a family again in a way... No more.
I still have tickets to two concerts that I was going to be taking her to. Do I still go with her? I'm hurting so much. I feel like I need some clear boundaries and as close to no-contact as I can get given our son. I've not set boundaries before. I just always craved her time and the crumbs of affection she would throw me. I can't take this.
Also, my step-daughter and her boyfriend are moving out of state for a job he just got. There is a going away party for them next week at the house and I had accepted the invitation. It is also my weekend with my son that weekend. Do I go to the party? Do I drop my son off instead so he can say goodbye to his sister? If I go, can I stay briefly enough to wish them well and then leave? Will I lose it and cry at the party if I go - seeing her? What to do?
Man did I set myself up for a hard fall - the hardest yet as it is clearly final now and I have no chance. I'm exhausted, drained and have physical pain in my chest that won't stop. My throat is all tight and hurts. I only cried briefly today - the tears won't even come now.
Replies
Ouch. It\'s normal to want your family whole again. But you have to protect yourself. This is the classic example of why NC is so important. You have to give yourself enough time apart to heal, move on and realize that you can survive without her. The wound never had a chance to heal. I\'m 14 months post breakup and finally feeling pretty damn good being on my own. And I know after she hurt me so bad I\'m at the point of telling her to get bent if she came crawling back. Since its still gonna hurt seeing her I would advise avoiding her at all costs. She\'s not who she used to be, just like my ex. Got to let her go and move forward.
I\'m sorry this had happened. It\'s so hard when you wish and want something so much but it just is not there. Try to know now that it is truly over and move on. Good things willl come for you
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