HPV - RUDE AWAKENING!!!

So, this journal is written from a woman who is well established in life, career, home, pets, friends, etc.  My history of HPV dates back to losing my virginity with the "town drunk"...YUP...that's right, the town drunk.  I didn't have much sel-esteem back then, and apparently, I still don't.  Back when I was 18, I lost my virginity to him and saw a small lump on his shaft but didn't think anything of it (at the time).  Well, a few short months after I enlisted in the USN, had a pap smear and discovered that I had CIN 111 (DISPLASIA).  Back then, I wasn't as worried as I am now.  I'm 46, scared, lonely and HPV has consumed my whole life, especially now, I'm older, lonlieness facing me day to day.  During my younger years, I wasn't as concerned as I am now.  Integretiy to disclose the information is prevelant more now than it was back the, although it didn't go without guilt back then.  I'm not a "slutty" woman, but see, and have a friend who is premiscuous, and it kills me that I'm left with tears after all the rejection.  Honestly, my eyes are so sore from crying that I have to close this journal for now.  I have so much to disclose.  LOVE to all !!!