How we tend to let go of honor and self respect

I have no self respect. I really have none what so ever; I am a disgraceful, honor less cunt. But the problem is I am a very proud and vain man by nature and nothing hurts me more than getting my pride hurt. Something I have done to myself over and over again.
I used to very proudly say to one of my employers "I would suck a dick if I were paid enough". Not that I havent literally sucked cock for money (I have) but it was the metaphor I thought that trait of mine made me stand apart from my competitors. People who were better at what I did or more qualified I would expect to get the job because I was willing to do anything as long as I was paid enough for it. But it hurt it chipped at my dignity every time. I used to cry when I would be insulted or made fun of in public and those tears they used to make me angry, angry at myself for crying wasting my tears on people who didnt deserve them and I would tell myself dont give these people your tears boy dont you dare.
Today was a slightly better day; I once again after a few weeks got up showered decided to make an effort to get better. And its gone okay for the most part I guess except the bit where I tried to call out for help. I messaged this girl I knew online a long time ago (it ended not so well), then I messaged one of the guys I knew from NA back home (he never replied i doubt he will), I could have stopped there and left it at that but no oh no I had to be me didnt I, a friend told me of a friend of hers who she thought could help me and I emailed him the most retarded fucking email I could possibly have mustered up.
So far everything was stupid; not uncommon of things I do when I get excited but all these people were what I call people who dont matter. No offense to any of those people I just call them that because they dont affect my look or image in a very tangiable manner on a day to day basis. But then I did something phenomenally stupid I called a cousin and begged him to come live with me for a month. I begged and pleaded like a desperate little boy and him trying to be civil tried to make the excuse of my mom wont let me... So I went ahead and called his mom making a complete ass of myself infront of her.
WHY THE FUCK CANT I JUST KEEP MY STUPID MOUTH SHUT and my damn thoughts to myself. Whatever the fuck happened to writing only to my diary why do I do shit like this.
Please stop shendy you cant keep making a fool of yourself in public you have to pull yourself together you are making yourself a laughing stock for people around you and you are becoming an embarrassment. You embarrass yourself dont fucking be a cunt you need to stop shendy you need to fucking stop fast.