How to help my adult children
My oldest Son Eric has been gone now for 10 months and it has been a journey of pure pain for our entire family but I am asking for guidance on how to help my surviving adult children. We are a close family and my children remained close into adulthood and would consider themselves best friends if asked. So when Eric was killed it reaked havoc on them terribly as you would imagine. I have watched and tried to help them as best I could but honestly have not had much energy to give either but I am watching my second oldest son take a path that is I know out of pure grief and not knowing how to handle things. His reason for all of his odd behavior now is that when Eric died it taught him that life is short and he cannot continue to live life like you have tomorrow. I know he is running from his pain and trying to figure out how to deal with things but he has a wife and children as well and I have to find a way to help him understand he cannot run from the pain as it will always find you but to step into the pain and as hard as it is we have to live to honor his brother.
Eric was just shy of 31 when he was killed and my 2nd oldest son is Jason who is 28. For those that have walked this journey with adult children I am crying out for help on how to have the strength to help him and the words to say.
Eric was just shy of 31 when he was killed and my 2nd oldest son is Jason who is 28. For those that have walked this journey with adult children I am crying out for help on how to have the strength to help him and the words to say.
Replies
I have 3 surviving adult and two teenage children. It is so hard to watch them in their grief. My son that passed and my 2nd son were best friends..worked together..played together..fished together. He said that he just looks at Facebook pics and sobs still. None of my family will bring up my son to me. I have to say his name and start the conversation.
I pray, pray and pray for my kids. They know that I can barely get my head above water myself. I just ask them if they are ok..I am pretty blunt. My 17 year old just went out of character for 10 months. I told him that I missed the kid he was..that it felt like I was grieving for him as well as the brother that died. I have seen a change back to the old boy again.
I think they need to know that when they act out,no matter what the age..we worry.
I made a little garden for Patrick out by the pond and my boys had to help me dig it..that got them involved in doing something for him.
I would be sure that no conversation or venting that they need to do has a filter. If they feel ok to say what they need to, they usually will. Ask him if he is angry or sad. I don\'t know if this is any help at all, but I so understand where you are coming from. ..Lauri
Oh, Sherry... The anguish as mothers that we feel for our surviving children is so very intense because all of your courage is being used to keep your own self moving along and then to find them struggling each in their own way adds to the sorrow.
I can only tell you about my walk with my daughter, Sarah. She is my son\'s only sibling and they are 21 months apart so grew up more like twins in so many ways. Sarah could not even talk about her brother for about two years and what I did and my husband did is we just kept including our son in our conversations with her, honored his birthday and angel day and hoped that in time she would be able to speak about him. She was married and had her own little family so I knew that her life was full with that, yet her loss so very personal and I know that she worried about adding any more heartache our way, so I think felt it best to not speak of her brother for a very long time... It worried me sick, yet I spoke with our family therapist and how she guided me was to let me know that Sarah was grieving in her way and it might look and feel vastly different from how I was grieving, yet just to try to keep the lines of communication open.
I\'m sure all kinds of suggestions such as counseling, bereavement groups for siblings etc., have been made and it will be up to him to find his way and as young adult himself I know that can be very challenging to even engage in these kinds of discussions.
Also, I found that my actions spoke more profoundly than anything I could say. My daughter stayed close, she observed and I think as she began to see me emerge and gain some balance and strength she did too.
I wish I had answers as I can only share my experience and I\'m hopeful that other moms will chime in and add to what they found was helpful with their surviving children.
All the pieces of the family puzzle have been tossed and are scattered about. Each child is trying to find their place once again within the family and this takes time. Ten months, I know feels like a lifetime, yet your loss is still so very raw and new.
I am grateful you reached out and hope that you know that you are not alone, what your children are experiencing is their walk with grief and you just keep letting them know how much you love them and when you have concerns that you voice them no matter how uncomfortable the conversation becomes... They are listening.
Lots of loving care and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
Oh my dear. I so understand. You are in so much pain, it is hard to be a support. Andrew and Lisa were very close too. As adults the became very close friends as well as siblings. Lisa was 2 years younger than Andrew but he will admit that she was the tougher one. He was devastated, and like you, I had very little to offer. Early on we made a pact that neither of us would do anything foolish. I did encourage him to go to counseling which he did. I think it helped him. He has suffered from depression for a very long time so was seeing a psychiatrist as well. He is still on antidepressants which do help. He is an artist so got his feelings out by painting. His pictures are heartbreaking. He did paint a portrait of Lisa which is hung about our fireplace.
It is not easy for any family member and losing a sibling does remind one that life has no guarantees. Joe did the eulogy at Lisa\'s funeral. He told everyone to hug their kids. I truly hope he is able to focus on his family - they need him.
Thinking of you as you face the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Eric\'s physical presence.
Gentle caring hugs,
Marlene
Both of Billy\'s sisters were in their early 20\'s when Billy left this world. We offered to pay for counseling for each when they were ready. Patty did - Colleen didn\'t. It took Colleen about 3 years to even say Billy\'s name - still does not talk about him as much as Patty to us - with David she does. Colleen is one to hold things in more so than Patty. We found out early all we could do is let the girls know we were there for them whenever they needed us. We would always be there for them, I was never shy about letting them see the tears flowing - letting them know it was ok to cry. We also talk about Billy a lot which seems to help. As a mom it is so hard to see your other children suffer and know you can\'t make it better. Hugs, Ann
Our son had the most amazing friends around him...... he was living in new York at the time and the friends new what to do,,, several of them had lost siblings and took Daniel under their wings,,, his friends here also were so wonderful ... they were here all the time...Dan and Morgan were close,, only 23 months apart... and I see how it has hurt Daniel.... he has done some stupid things,,, I guess they do this...love ya!