how things have change

well here i am a journal entry something ive not done in a while, how things have changed this year for me wednesday night i cried with happiness i was laid on the bed looking out of the window watching the trees blowing in the wind and i could smell the fresh air coming through the window i was full of happiness and gratitude i know when i was drunk seeing the trees and smelling the fresh air was something i never noticed i only ever noticed how much was left in my can i was laid thinking how i could never get through a day without a drink my first AA meeting i was drunk and looked at everyone that night and cried i remember them saying they was 2 years and 10 years sober etc etc and thinking its ok for you but you dont realise how bad i am lol i thought why do you come if your 10 year sober etc your fine now how little i knew i always and will never foorget my last drink 17th july 2pm 2007 german marks & spencer lager yesterday was my 2 year birthday at 1.50pm yesterday i went out the shop for a walk and when it got to 2pm i smiled and thanked my HP i work 40 miles away from where i live and my sponsor said make sure your at the meeting last night when i left it was torrential rain driving home on my motorbike but i knew i had to get there they got me a cake and a signed card and a 2 year chip i was so happy it amazes me how we can be complete strangers but within a few minutes where all friends because we know what where all going through we have that understanding of one and other :0)in march my wife walked out but it was no suprise my close friends know i was never really close with her never the less though it hurt to see her and my son leave me she was always there to pick up the pieces when i was drunk always trying to help me but i never wanted to help myself i can see now she loved me so much but i never gave her the love she wanted if she'd been a can of lager well i would have loved her so much lol no seriously i know now she had to leave me as she deserved to be loved and i had none for her we get along well today and i see my 1 year old son Ben every thursday i take him swimming he loves it and  when he gets older i hope tolearn how to swim i miss ben so much it really does hurt not seeing him everyday he is changing so fast been honest i cry some nights just with pain of missing him i love him xXxbut as my friend said its quality of time with him not quantity when i stopped drinking my other habit was buying gadgets bikes etc to try and make me happy i knew when i bought my current motorbike i was deep in the shit with debt etc and it had to stop but when she walked out our next step was bankrupty which is now all done my debts have been cleared and i dont have to pay anything back the reciever i spoke to regarding my bankruptcy asked about why i got into so much debt i told the truth fancy living and i was a alcoholic and he was interested in how it works etc but it was strange as he wanted proof i went i said i cant and he said oh yer the yellow card ? the call was planned for 30 mins but we chatted for 1 hour 40 mins lol he said would i learn from this i said the truth yes but i can only do it a day at a time  i kept the motorbike im not proud of it and i know i must learn ive been in debt since the age of 17 today im debt free and coping but its hard i have to watch the pennies i then lost my home which when we got it we watched it been built over several months it was brand new so that was hard losing my home i then moved into a bungalow i often thought if i ever split up etc i could drink and no one would know i could do what i want but hey i love been sober im so gratefull ive been up since 3am today cant sleep im at work shortly oh and my sponsor asked if i'd like to go on a serenity weekend again in september so im all booked i went in february its at a castle in whitby its where nuns retire its beautifull looking foreward to it :0) hard to believe just how much has changed this year but im learning everyday i hand over and my HP will guide me through kate you was the first person i spoke to when my ex wife confirmed she was leaving im so gratefull and i know all you programs was on that night (tuesday) heart of gold and lyn you said to me it will get better in time in fact all of my friends have been so good to me wish i could get on here more but no internet but i will soon :0) just using my iphone to chat i love you all and thank you xxxxxxXXxxxxxx