How Things Are Going for Me

I wanted to express how things were going. So, I'm just going to get right to it. I got a job offer to work at the BREC Baton Rouge Zoo in Lousiana. I start next week. I'm afraid I might screw it up or something and get fired. Some days ago, I wrote a suicide note ready just in case I finally had the guts to kill myself.

I live with my mom and my siblings and my stepdad and a couple of dogs and I feel nonchalant about how my family would feel if I were kill myself. I used to care, but now I feel like I'm being guilt tripped into staying alive for them and not for myself. Anyway, I still feel like I want to die. If I were to die, anyone of them could take care of the dogs instead. Yeah, I laugh and smile sometimes, but at the end of the day, I still want to die. I stopped caring about the wonders and the blessing of being alive. I just don't strongly about those things anymore. Life itself like a chore and it feels boring.

I feel like I'm in a boring movie and I want to end it. Today, I woke up in the morning at 8am wanting to die as usual. I did not want to get up or eat breakfast. But, I took my dog outside, and then, I went back to bed until it was around 4pm. I thought about why I felt this way. I saw my suicide as a solution. I don't love myself enough to keep myself alive. I'm too scared kill myself.

I'm not sure what my problem is. Honestly, I think I'm an ungrateful, pampered, bitter, and whiny spoiled 25 year old brat. The exercise is not making me feel any better. The fruit and vegetables aren't making me feel any better. I feel tired no matter how much sleep I get. And my prayers for me to be happy again haven't been answered.

I thought about killing myself tonight. I texted a suicide hotline called Crisis Text Line because I did not want anyone to overhear my conversation. I don't hate my family, but they unintentionally make me feel worse whenever they try to help me with my suicidal thoughts and my depression. I admit that I was unhelpful during the conversation. The person kept coming up with ideas to make me feel better. I kept turning them down. I mentioned that I had video games.

She mentioned that I should play video games to cheer myself up. She also gave me the website address to a website called the Buddy Project, I think. I looked at it and I was too nervous to sign up. It took me a lot of courage just to go on this website. So, I turned that down too and the video game idea because I always ended up feeling like shit no matter what I do anyway. I told her this. She told me that she was concerned for my safety because we could not come up with a safety plan.

She said, "If you can come up with a plan for you, I won't have to contact the police." I was afraid that I would get committed to a psychiatric ward and that things would get worse. So, I told her that I would play video games and check out the website so I would feel better. I played the video games today. I read more about the website again. I'm still too nervous to try it. Maybe I'll do it anyway or maybe I won't. And so, here I am. Thanks for reading.