How strong can I be before enough is enough?

Good morning journal,the time is now 8:30am and I have been up and around since 7:45am when I finally gave up the struggle to remain in bed cocooned by three balls of warm fur and a sleeping wife.Having brewed the first batch of coffee of the day,I decided to come here and ramble a little,such is my way when I don't really have anything earth shattering to say,but it kills a little time,and sometimes,just sometimes,I find myself revealing little nuggets of information about myself that I wasn't aware of.It's funny,but sometimes I sit here and my fingers sort of come alive independently of my brain and I find myself reading things that appear on the page before me,and I sit and wonder when I read what I've typed and think,"why did I write that?",or,"wow,where the hell did that come from?". This morning I am relaxed and calm,my breathing once again is somewhat labored,but for the moment,I am coping with only slightly more than minimal effort,yesterday I struggled to breathe unaided in the afternoon but resisted the urge to go to bed and finally made it to around 10:30pm before I retired,a small victory,but a victory nonetheless.My wife was a little upset last night and she let me know it,I know why she was upset,when I get so tired by the efforts I need to make to stay awake,and sometimes just breathe,I tend to remain silent for long periods of time and it seems to my wife that I am ignoring her,it sends out a message that I don't care,yes,I can understand why she gets upset,but for the life of me,there are times when I am so exhausted that I simply don't have the energy needed to talk or reassure her that I love her,if the boot was on the other foot,I would be upset.I have always been a strong person,there have been times in my life when I've found hidden reserves of inner strength I didn't know I had,but lately,I have struggled to find any strength physically or mentally,and I find myself thinking in quiet moments of reflection,how strong can I continue to be before enough is enough?. How long before I finally say"that's it,no more",I must confess that there are days when I long for the choice of continuing to live or not be taken out of my hands,it would be easier that way rather than to get to the point where I make the decision for myself,but the times when I think of ending my pain by my own hand are growing less far apart than they once were.To have days when one thinks of death,if not for the majority of the time,then certainly for a major part of it,wears a man down,gradually eating away at the soul like a cancer,surely there must come a time when the desire to cut that cancer out becomes stronger than the desire to continue to fight,my question to myself this morning is,"will I know when it's time to stop fighting?". I hate having to watch my wife struggle on a daily basis thinking that I have no desire for her as a woman any longer when nothing could be further from the truth,"actions speak louder than words",is becoming one of her most used phrases,I understand how she feels,believe me I do,but when a man's body refuses to comply with the desire in his heart and mind,it makes him feel less than a man,it doesn't mean that he has lost the desire to be with his wife in a physical sense,it just means that his body won't cooperate,not that he loves his wife any less,if anything,I love my wife more today than I ever have,but I can understand her confusion as well as her fear that she doesn't matter anymore.Question number two,how long can I go on watching my wife suffer before I take steps to end her pain as well as my own?,answer?,I don't know,but when the pain of watching her suffer becomes greater than I can bear,when the thought of losing me to death is less than I think she goes through every day watching me live,I think I will know that it's time.It's a very strange thing to say,but sitting here,just letting my fingers type,is soothing to my soul,I may not particularly like what I see appearing on the page,but it is at least an honest appraisal of where I am at this present moment in time,and that can only be a good thing,right?,well that's okay then.Now then journal,have I rambled on long enough today or not?,answer,who knows?,if my fingers continue to type we will keep going,but I don't want to get to the point this morning when I'm typing rubbish just for the sake of continuing,so,time to breathe,(the best I can),and think some more,I will let you know my decision shortly after I replenish my dwindling supply of coffee,I will return forthwith my friend.Well,that was easy,decision made,a knock on the door from the mail man woke the dogs and my wife,so now,with the day fully upon us it is time to depart,so,until the next time,be at peace with what is,what will be will be,let us face it head on with a little fire in our bellies,today we continue to breathe,God's love and protection walk with us.