How my problems got started.....

so when i was around 9 or 10, everyone around me kept on telling me that i was tall. and i was tall.... taller than most of my classmates and girls i knew. my parents friends kept telling me i was tall. i soon got tired of it. i remembered watching the news with my dad and i saw the tallest man in the world. my dad told me "be careful. soon you will be as tall as him." then i got scared. i stopped drinking milk. i developed some sort of body dysmorphic disorder. a couple years later, i got braces. my orthodontist back then gave me a list of foods i wasnt allowed to eat cos i had braces. then about 6 months later, i kind of stopped eating. i also thought i was ugly and disgusting and rachet. i still think i am. not so much ugly but still disgusting and rachet. 
i thought that i am soon turning 19 and i have nothing to show for, besides graduating high school. i am retarded as hell cos of my damn processing disorder. people look at me like i dont know a damn thing. yeah a lot of people when they first meet me, they think i'm pretty and all that blah blah blah. then they get close to me and get discouraged. i just think my face is freaking fat. then i think about myself and others my age how far they r getting.... the n i get frustrated with myself and later envious for some reason. maybe i got some narcissistic traits too.
i feel like a damn outcast all my life. i dont belong anywhere. whenever i hang out with kids my age, i feel like they dont need me. cos they r a thousand times faster than i am. but i dont really give a damn. 
i have had suicidal attempts when i was 15. i overdosed on tylenol pills and i was petrified that i was going to die at any given time. later in the week, i kept going to the bathroom. i felt nauseated and wanted to throw up. i had bad headaches. i didnt end up in the emergency room. i didnt tell my parents i wanted to die. even though, i may be lucky to still be alive, sometimes i wish i did succeed in that suicide attempt.
the same for my anorexia/bulimia. i wish i was hospitalized for bulimia or anorexia and see who wants to visit me. if they really care.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I painfully know what it\'s like to be scared into having certain insecurities, even if they may seem silly to some.

I believe you are brave for having dabbled into so many dark ideas as hurting yourself and suicide. I know you \'feel\' as if you\'d like to go to the hospital. I was like that for two years before I actually started to really go there. Once you are there, it\'s like you actualize your dreams, your dark dreams that are not at all anything to be proud of...yet you might be, but...you lose yourself even deeper and it\'s that much harder to recover so I say don\'t seek after that. But...I guess you must live for yourself. It\'s just so much better if you don\'t cross that line. You might just fall into oblivion. I know it must feel completely hopeless now but feelings and your reality are completely different things. I learned that 4 suicide attempts in. It\'s a really valuable lesson if you truly understand.
CutieKathy
CutieKathy

Yeah. I haven\'t gotten to the point where I\'d have to get hospitalized for my ed or suicide attempts. I feel like other s need more help than I do. I mean who am I? I just think about food and while eating, I\'m like this is so good then negative thoughts start creeping in and I feel like a pig. A fat, disgusting, worthless pig. That\'s what triggers my purging. At least part of it. I also believe that Ed can also screw up relationships. It\'s best for me not to think of getting a boyfriend....at least for now. Cos then I\'d have to eat in front of him and I know I eat like a pig. Ugh. I keep saying this shit over and over but at the same time I\'m a bit desperate to get a boyfriend. I feel so horrible.
CutieKathy
CutieKathy

I meant others*
deleted_user
deleted_user

I understand and I honestly think your fear of gaining weight is the only reason you keep calling yourself a pig or that you eat like one because I bet, lets say you videotaped yourself eating and watched it back...you might be surprised at how hard you\'ve been on yourself because you haven\'t seen it from an out of Cathy\'s body perceptive. I do believe your problems matter! Your eating disorder is a big part in your life and it brings about a darkness and depression in your life that you seemly do not want in your life and so, it obviously matters! I can relate to relationships and eating disorder clashing, it was a major problem for me, I just couldn\'t get close to people because of it...I probably still have that problem severely but...it\'s possible to get to a point where you embrace your imperfections or just accept them for what they are. It helps, I guess with time comes acception.
Desigol1979
Desigol1979

(((Kathy)))

It makes me mad at how young girls think they\'re fat. All that b******s on TV aimed at girls is propagating this.

Hang in there, Babe! You are loved!
CutieKathy
CutieKathy

Thanks Desigol1979 :)