How My Day Began

It's funny, in a sad kind of way really... how different I've become since my diagnosis with DDD. I begin my day in pain but each day brings new challenges, new expectations for the day, new concerns, and unknown levels of pain. Today is no different. I took a hot shower, deep conditioned my hair last night using aromatherapy for restful sleep; thank you Body Shop. This morning I woke and embraced my nemesis...the dreaded full on back spasms. Today, hell sent the medium ones to wake me and left the big brother of spasms at home. I am learning to go with the flow, get with the program, etc. No matter what you call them, spasms are nasty and hated by those who have them. It's been a year since my fusion. I remember having them so bad that I couldn't breathe and would writhe in agony. This happened in the hospital after my car accident, recently. As I'm not taking my Soma, I have had to find creative ways to shut them down before they become agonizing. My heating pad will help but doesn't quite relieve them fully. I no longer cry, unless really tired and they strike in the middle of the night. I won't give the devil the satisfaction of breaking me anymore. I was asked by my neurosurgeon if I was willing to fight. I think he meant the insurance companies at the time, not knowing every day was going to be a battle with myself, my emotions and the constant and ever changing pain. I said yes at the time...I say yes every day now. DDD is a war none of us can win but I want to show up for the battles. I no longer look too far ahead, make any plans, or have any big expectations. I won't turn down a lovely invite either but do make allowances for needing to leave early or cut things short. Life with DDD can take your life if you let it. Yes, you read that correctly. I read that a large portion of people with this will take their own lives. That startled me, especially as I read it when my diagnosis was newly confirmed. I think that is why I'm here in this forum. I intend to live, and live as well as I can. I fight every day to survive and this can only make me stronger. I'm not a heroine, as I said, I only show up for the battle and go home scarred by the experience but wiser and will live to fight another day. I know I have the Lord on my side and like Job, all of heaven is watching and wondering over me. The battle is His he says. I just have to show up for it. I can do that, one day at a time.