HOW MANY TRIES?
Having taken the vows.... better or worse,sickness and health, richer or poorer....til death do us part. That is all good and well, but how many times must I continue to let him try for a day or three and then revert back again?
It took me a long time, but I mustered up the courage to finally set out to do what I want and need to do. to not only reach deep and find some from within, but also to search for a little love and acceptance from another (If I am lucky.) Coming to understand who I actually am . I realized, in my entire life, i have never truly found all that makes me happy (or much of anything for that matter) Too much time and effort has been wasted already. (As a very wise friend did tell me some time back....."Time to get this party started!")
The other day... our first of actual communication.....I would be argued with as i woke in the morning before heading off to work....Then ,as he picked me up (He used the car to shop and be helpful ) ...we would quickly pick up where we left off. He made the comment he had a really good day... til about 15 mins ago (when he got me) And there it was! ........."Do you hear what you said? Neither of us is happy. It is time to go our separate ways," His response was "Well , we can't do that. You know neither of us could afford that."
In another of our suddenly endless conversations, he would tell me he would feel better if he knew WHY I wanted so badly to leave... If he knew I was leaving to be with another man it would be easier to take than the fact I was trying like hell to escape with nothing in particular that I was racing toward. Again, I am reminded that wanting to be happy and accepted as I am, in his eyes , is NOTHING.
I can't thank you all enough for your kindness . It means alot to feel support behind me. Actually, if I were smart, I would grab a handful of you and hang on tight. (For the ever gentle headslap and nudging to stand strong and forge forward without wimping out and taking these ENDLESS pauses.) I should have just went ahead and filed the other day....and let him be served. I just hoped it could be easier and more logical to square things away first.
Another dilemma.... I was (and stil am) excited to learn there is a divorce care closeby on Monday nights. I want to go, but if I am pausing again. I can't even do that....can I? I am going to call and check to see if I could go ahead anyway. I NEED this.
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You can do this. Its time and you know im here if you ever need me for anything. You got this, i love you
Here's some food for thought...
When late DH started talking about having a baby I shook my head and told him no because of this/that/and the other. Mainly because I felt it wasn't the "right" time (plus the oldest was 17). He told me it'll never be the "right" time. So after 18 months of dancing around in my head and stopping/starting the pill I finally said yes let's do this!! Was it scary, hell yeah! I was 38 and having a baby! I was scared of all kinds of things that came with it, however it was the right time and though the little stinker drives me bonkers and challenge me on my mommy skills at times (like now because he's sick) I'm glad I left my comfort zone and stepped into the unknown.
It's your time to leave the comfort zone of your stbx and step into the unknown of better things to come! Big hugs!
Take the time for you on a care group, that is hugely beneficial and maybe one fresh idea might help. It shouldn’t be that huge of a deal for him to identify what you want and he can either step up or get out if the way. Equal seems to be a very weird looking scale of being off balance. It shouldn’t take much to see if he truly wants change or to mask that with as well and that’s too little effort. Everything takes effort and work which doesn’t sound like it’s being continuous at this point.
He would know WHY if he was listening to you. How many different ways do you need to say "I'm not happy, I don't want to be with you, I'm not in love with you, I don't like you, THIS is not working FOR ME." ? Don't hit "pause." Now is not the time to hit pause. Look, get further along down the path and, if he comes on line before the judge raps the gavel, THEN you can hit pause.
I will echo gregsbaby. My wife and I were married for a year or so, and I was dragging my feet about having kids. "It isn't the right time." But she was determined. She sorta/kinda (not really) "tricked" me into getting her pregnant. And it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It is time for you to leave the comfort zone of your nsetbx (not-soon-enough-to-be-ex) and step into the unknown of better things to come. Leap, and the net will appear.
Thank you so much everybody for the kind words and continued encouragement and support. It means alot. As far as the attorney, she left the decision up to me as far as scheduling the next appt. The plan was (is) to actually draft and file the paperwork then and file and serve on him. I may wait just a short time (Hell, the last attempt at change lasted 3 days, so it probably won't take long) and then continue. And i do think I will head to the divorce care on Monday. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers (I can use all the help I can get. lol) Thanks again., Kim
Before making any major decision one should weigh the pros and cons ..
Love you but God loves you more ,
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❥ツ❥❀❀❥♪ღ ,❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
இڿڰۣ-ڰۣ— Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄ƷBETH
★☆★☆★☆★☆ இڿڰۣ-ڰۣ—♥
VQ, please realize that you're still giving him all the power. Putting your future life on hold again. That one last chance for him to prove he really does care about you. Maybe, just maybe this time he'll "get it".
It's.never.going.to.happen. Never. You know this. I've been in that exact same place, thinking that of course he'll get it, I'm saying it after all, he has ears, he says he cares......
I regret, absolutely REGRET waiting all those years to divorce. I think you will too.
One little cliche statement I finally understand is this, and it applies 100% to what you're going through:
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.
@jojored .... I do realize this now. I am going to call to schedule that appt to draft and file this week. What I struggle with is telling him. If I do, my life will be more of a living hell til I can get completely away (It is bearable again because he has it on pause again) If I don't tell him I will be giving him his ammunition to tell all he was right to never trust me as I am a liar and a cheat. (I still worry too much of what others do think of me.
So idk if Pennsylvania is no fault divorce or not but if it is then to my understanding just inability to get along anymore is all the reason you need. Cheating lying and his ability to tell all he was correct in his guessing is still only half the story and those friends that won’t stay out of it and get sucked into his ideas sound fairly prejudicial to start with so mayhaps no great loss. Leaving is the only choice he wants to leave you with can come at a price of spousal support from him, will his income support that too? That’s minus your income of course since you wouldn’t be living there any longer. Really if you wanted to be pissy about it he might see that being reasonable and calm may save both time and money and if not then the process server has another delivery fairly soon.
Yup, been there too. It was so hard for me to tell him (but much more so the kids) I was pursuing divorce. Yes, my life WAS a living hell for a year, actually 3 days shy of a year, till the divorce was settled. I tried to remain civil, tried to work amicably, but he would have none of it. He wouldn't work toward anything, just sat on the couch. I wanted to beat the living crap out of him, knock some sense into his head (of course I said nothing, would never touch him). But I got through it, in the same house (small house no less) and you can too. I could not stand to look at him anymore, especially in light of his feigned indifference to the divorce and to my existence. I was tense and anxious pretty much every moment we were home together. Going to work and running were my escape, and preparing for the divorce. I thought he would try to hurt me a few times, and he did actually threaten me a few times. He also said nasty things and tried to guilt me into ...... I'm not sure what his goal was .... maybe to stop the divorce proceedings. But I knew I had to do it. I had to remove myself from his life. And now, I really don't give a flying f**k what he thinks about me. That's a great gift I guess I gave to myself. I finally elevated my own worth above his, and that's worth a year of hell. I matter more than he does. He only matters in the sense that he's my children's father. That's it.
The best thing about that time was that I had finally made the decision, finally started to get things moving forward. There was such relief in finally taking action after all those years being on the fence.
Your life sounds like a living hell already, to some degree, you just have been keeping blinders on to your unhappiness for so long, just so you could survive day to day. You're past that phase now. If you've been strong enough to smile through the last 10 years and not kill him, you're strong enough to get through this thing. It has an end, although you may not know when, but I guarantee that it does.
The moment I followed my ex out of the judges chambers on May 9, 2017, the day of the divorce, I felt like I was flying. I was FREE! The next best day was May 20, 2017 11:00 pm, when I realized he had finally slunk out of the house for good. Those 11 days where he still lived with me, divorced, sucked big time but the move out date was in the settlement and I knew if he didn't go I could easily call the police to escort him out. It's all gravy after that.
I needed to reread this post and remember why I so need to do this. I am again being urged by stbx to take another pause. I do realize it is just an endless stall tactic til he wears me down. With being sick and overwhelmed, I almost fell for it again.
How about you get yourself to the other side of divorce, and THEN take a pause? By that I mean, once divorced, there's no requirement that you stop all contact with your stbx. Maybe even tell him, "I am totally willing to keep working at our relationship afterwards, but we HAVE TO get divorced. I know that sounds weird, but it's the best I can do."