how long is too long?
I have been experiencing a fairly bleak spell lately. I have a couple of friends, good friends who have been supportive for much of the first year after Eddie passed. One in particular had been quite attentive and called often and was very kind. My other friend was very attentive at first but then only checked in occasionally, which was fine and I always appreciate the gesture.
My closest friend, after 30 years of friendship had written me a letter soon after Eddie's wake to tell me that losing one of her children is her biggest fear and that therefore she cannot be around me because she thought she would upset me and my situation made her too sad. I wrote her back and said that its ok-we do what we can do. I am not angry at her. I am just disappointed.
The first two friends I spoke of in this entry - if they call and ask how I am I say, "ok". I cannot say "I'm well, happy, doing great" etc, etc. I am tired of hearing how uncomfortable I make other people. I do make an att
empt to smile but at 19 months of this nightmare the pain is always just below the surface. I just don't care anymore if my friends well meaning or not understand because they don't! Lucky them - they do not know and I hope and pray they never do. I find it hurtful when people continually say, "isn't it any better?" Isn't what better? Death? My son, my only child, my Eddie is dead! Its not going to be better-ever! Maybe I'll learn to deal. Maybe I'll grow and even heal but I don't even know how or when.
I feel like a bitter old woman. Maybe I am. Thank you for letting me vent. I know that I am blessed to have this safe place to fall. Maybe tomorrow will be gentler.
Love to all of you, Linda
xoxoxoxo
My closest friend, after 30 years of friendship had written me a letter soon after Eddie's wake to tell me that losing one of her children is her biggest fear and that therefore she cannot be around me because she thought she would upset me and my situation made her too sad. I wrote her back and said that its ok-we do what we can do. I am not angry at her. I am just disappointed.
The first two friends I spoke of in this entry - if they call and ask how I am I say, "ok". I cannot say "I'm well, happy, doing great" etc, etc. I am tired of hearing how uncomfortable I make other people. I do make an att
empt to smile but at 19 months of this nightmare the pain is always just below the surface. I just don't care anymore if my friends well meaning or not understand because they don't! Lucky them - they do not know and I hope and pray they never do. I find it hurtful when people continually say, "isn't it any better?" Isn't what better? Death? My son, my only child, my Eddie is dead! Its not going to be better-ever! Maybe I'll learn to deal. Maybe I'll grow and even heal but I don't even know how or when.
I feel like a bitter old woman. Maybe I am. Thank you for letting me vent. I know that I am blessed to have this safe place to fall. Maybe tomorrow will be gentler.
Love to all of you, Linda
xoxoxoxo
Replies