How it Ended...

Well I actually had a failed attempt of improving my life the first go round. I wanted him back and fell right back into my old ways quickly the day he came knocking on my door. I and tried everything at first to hold back, but I couldn't When I saw him all the old feelings came rushing. I wanted him. I was addicted to him. I just had to save him. So, as I always do. I came to his rescue. I am always the girl who answers his calls. I am always the girl who pulls through for him, when he never did the same for me. So half of this month I spent most of my time filling out job applications for him. He is 20 btw I graduated high school already and he was a drop out. What a catch. Anyways back to the applications I filled out tons of applications for him. Let me tell you it was not easy but, the whole time doing it sadly enough. I was super happy to help my "man" To once again come and save the day. The funny thing is I just look back at our relationship and realize it had nothing to do with love. There was no love at all. Our relationship was built on lies, manipulation, and plain old lust. The more he neglected to change the more I wanted to save him and he knew. He knew it very very well. So, you ask? Why a change of heart now? Well heres the thing, We broke up for maybe 3 months and when we got back together I found out a great revelation. I am not the only girl in his life contrary to my belief. There is another girl he was cheating on me with and to top it off that she called me. The other girl actually called me twice. The first time we talked it wasn't bad and I talked to my Ex about it. Of course he denied everything stating it was one of his sisters friends. Even his own mother lied for him she told me it was just some crazy girl who used her phone to call mine. So, basically they both used me to help him get a job. It sounds crazy right? Well this is where I am right now. If I could tell my 15 year old self to just stay away from him I seriously would. I read the companion book Daily Meditations for Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. It taught me so much, probably the hardest thing I ever read. I mean it was like each page had my name written all over it. I would cry from how dumb and stupid I felt. The thing is the book kinda just verified everything I already knew but, refused to believe. I have a problem I have many problems and it is time to not only face them but, to learn from all of my mistakes. It is time for me to grow up, and build some self esteem. I have to love myself and figure out why I enjoyed staying in a relationship that caused me so much pain. I want to figure out Why am I so insecure? I am shaking while writing this. My heart is just pounding. I know that it may get worse before it gets better. I am completely devoted to changing for me and me only. I am very concerned about falling into a relationship similar to the one I recently ended. It scares me a little a bit to think that I could be in that place again. But today I am making a promise to myself that I will never love too much. I will see all of the red flags. I vow to stop trying to change people and to realize I only have control over myself.