How is it?

How is it that I feel no guilt or regrets regarding the actual act? I regret the pain I caused my H. I regret the further head and relationship issues I may have caused the OM. I regret the years I have wasted with OM in the background of my mind. Waiting patiently to always bubble back up at any given time. I regret the influence that has had on my M all these years. 
Why is it that I feel this way? I believe I am angry with H over past hurts. I believe I hold these past hurts over my H. I believe I hold a grudge against my H. It is hard for me to forgive my H over these past hurts. I believe I am the nice one in the relationship. How can that be when I am the one that holds grudges? I am beginning to realize what a saint my H is. and how difficult it must of been for him. When I have these lapses I do feel like I am such a betrayer of his trust. I justify them by believing it is no different than talking with anyone of my friends. (Deep down I would love just to be the OM's friend. Or is this just a way to keep him in my life?) I must be in denial. And if I am in denial, is that why I have no guilt? Maybe I still have not allowed myself to feel remorse or to actually feel anything? 
Why is trying to understand yourself the hardest part of living? I confuse myself and make my head ache when I try to figure myself out. I don't get it and I don't get me at times.
I am a universe full of secrets and contradictions.