How I Miss You
I have entered the second year of life without you, and instead of it getting easier, I truly believe it gets harder. I celebrate our anniversary and our birthdays in silence, with only your spiritual presence. I can talk, but I can't hear you respond. I wonder what you are feeling, doing, and thinking. I wonder if you still love me as much as you were. I wonder if you are accepting to the changed woman I have become, which isn't the same woman left behind a year ago. I wonder.
I wish others could crawl inside me and realize what I truly feel. I wish they could understand that the only life companion I want is you. I wish they could realize that my life is fine the way it is, and will stay the way it is until the Lord calls me to our eternal home. I wish.
I know that the depth of my love has no bounds and no limitations. I know the bond we have is strong and unbreakable. I know the two deer that appeared in our backyard was a sign from you, for I asked for one in answer to a troublesome question. I know. I know that what we have been handed isn't fair. All our dreams, plans, out the window just like that. I know.
My life is forever changed, forever altered. The life we had, and the life I loved more than anything has been stripped from me, like peeling the rind from an orange.
I went on a Spirit cruise around Philadelphia a couple weeks ago. Entertained to a terrific DJ. Oh how I wish you were there. We could have danced the afternoon away, possibly to a standing ovation. But both of us realized we can't dance with anyone like we danced with each other. I dream of dancing on the clouds of heaven, swirling, dipping, gazing in your eyes, and being kissed on the forehead like you often did. They were some of the days I most cherish in my mind.
Or I pass the shop where you worked so many years, see your red van, and visualize you in the front seat, busily writing out a customer bill, rearranging the dash, and wrapping up another busy day.
I got excited over the weekend in the supermarket over a package of single serve wrapped angel food cakes, something new by Tastycake, knowing that I couldn't buy them for you and share in the excitement when I brought them home.
It's the little things that get me. The little things that bring the most sadness. Oh to have you wrap your arms around me and tell me about your adventures in heaven, how you miss me, how your heart aches as much as mine. It's the little things.
I love you sweetheart, more than words can express. No one can ever fathom just how much, but I know and you know, and that's all that matters.
I wish others could crawl inside me and realize what I truly feel. I wish they could understand that the only life companion I want is you. I wish they could realize that my life is fine the way it is, and will stay the way it is until the Lord calls me to our eternal home. I wish.
I know that the depth of my love has no bounds and no limitations. I know the bond we have is strong and unbreakable. I know the two deer that appeared in our backyard was a sign from you, for I asked for one in answer to a troublesome question. I know. I know that what we have been handed isn't fair. All our dreams, plans, out the window just like that. I know.
My life is forever changed, forever altered. The life we had, and the life I loved more than anything has been stripped from me, like peeling the rind from an orange.
I went on a Spirit cruise around Philadelphia a couple weeks ago. Entertained to a terrific DJ. Oh how I wish you were there. We could have danced the afternoon away, possibly to a standing ovation. But both of us realized we can't dance with anyone like we danced with each other. I dream of dancing on the clouds of heaven, swirling, dipping, gazing in your eyes, and being kissed on the forehead like you often did. They were some of the days I most cherish in my mind.
Or I pass the shop where you worked so many years, see your red van, and visualize you in the front seat, busily writing out a customer bill, rearranging the dash, and wrapping up another busy day.
I got excited over the weekend in the supermarket over a package of single serve wrapped angel food cakes, something new by Tastycake, knowing that I couldn't buy them for you and share in the excitement when I brought them home.
It's the little things that get me. The little things that bring the most sadness. Oh to have you wrap your arms around me and tell me about your adventures in heaven, how you miss me, how your heart aches as much as mine. It's the little things.
I love you sweetheart, more than words can express. No one can ever fathom just how much, but I know and you know, and that's all that matters.
Replies
Beautiful journal. It is the little things that once were so everyday mundane that seem to bring their memory back the strongest. Hugs and hope the future is bright for all of us. Kip.
Everything you say in this journal is so very true...we are the only ones that know exactly how we feel inside and all the things that we shared with our spouses can never be shared with anyone else...all the small pleasures in life that meant so much are now gone ...and we will never be the same person again...hugs Ellen
My heart goes out to you and all of us. We have to move on but we don\'t want to. We don\'t know how to find joy because our other 1/2 of our soul is gone forever and the world doesn\'t understands
Malia
I recently read a \"grief guide\" that said we are not only grieving over the loss of our loved ones but we are grieving over the loss of the lives we were living. I find that very true. Like you said, all our dreams and plans ... out the window. The life we knew is forever changed and I think that is one of the hardest things to get used to. I talk to my Randy in my head all the time, but like you said I miss hearing him answer me. Lots of hugs your way, some days we need them more than others. Take care.
Debbie, your journal was incredible to read. It is sure to touch anyone who reads it, because it so straightforward, sensitive and raw. You have been stripped of the other half of your heart and soul - nobody knows exactly how you feel except for you and your Richard. I hear that it is very normal to feel that things get more difficult in the 2nd year as we are more clear-minded yet search for answers and thus are more susceptible to a wider range of \"feelings\". Know that the depth of your grief is a testament to the wonderful loving bond that you and Richard will forever have, always... I have hope that tomorrow will bring a day that is gentler on your soul. prayers & hugs to you... -Sam
I feel similar things, Debbie, at 26 months. I can\'t say if the 2nd year was harder or easier, just that it took the same amount of work on my part, in terms of thinking and journaling and such. I can see now that it\'s said 3-5 years before we get to a point of being ourselves. Will that time EVER come? I don\'t know. I don\'t have flashbacks so much any more, but I have a lot of flashes. Memories and visions...Hugs, Marsha