How I Measure Up

Finally having a minute to catch my breath and reflect, I have far too much time and sadness right now. As I drove home it hit me. I was hurrying home to an empty house and an empty life. I will be spending tomorrow and New Year's Eve alone. I realize (once again) that all do have their own lives and a few may check in and try to give encouraging words , this is probably part of what does help me hang on. 

I try very hard to follow the charge and benediction I still remember from when I did still go to church.... Do justice, love kindness , walk humbly with your God rejoicing in the power of his Holy Spirit...and love one another...  I do truly care and try to reach out to let others know they are cared  about and special and to remind them they do deserve better... and to be happy. I do also realize I truly am my Mother's daughter. She cared about and for everyone... always giving, yet never getting much back. 

I can recall how she did always make a big deal to make birthdays (and holidays) special. Money was tight, but she did always cook our favorite meal , bake a homemade and lovingly decorated ( my aunt was the true cake decorator) cake accompanied with a card and a small gift or two. It sounds silly, but it did make me feel special and loved. 

Dave was not big on birthdays or holidays, as a result there was rarely any gifts or celebrating... simply another day. I did still do the bday dinner and cake for him, but for me... it was a hit or miss if I did get a card or maybe treated to dinner out. I think back to that rule that does come saying celebrations are now just for the kids. Once we are over 25 it no longer matters. I would continue to bake for coworkers to celebrate their days. i can't remember the last time I did actually get  even a card.

Christmas all do share even the simplest gifts or of time shared with their loved ones. I used to love to decorate and celebrate Christmas.I still Baking and giving to many (including family) and spoiling the kids (though not nearly as much as the rest of the family can and does) I do have a great time having them to shop and do for. 

For the past few years, I have not  decorated or put up even a tree. I have not even handed out or sent cards ( except a small handful  I did want to reach out to) As a result I got 3 cards... 1 from funeral director , 1 from my insurance woman. and 1 from  one kind soul on here. I cannot tell you how many years it has been since I did get a gift  for Christmas or birthday.  This year my nephew's inlaws did give a beatiful vase of gladiolus from their garden, so that was a very nice surprise. 

I think of how my life is full of every days. no celebrations, no reminders of joy I may have ever brought to others. Just an ongoing monotonous existence. And now with that being magnified as we are stuck in our own little cubie holes ( at home). This does all seem to bring home to me the fact that I am easily forgettable, nothing special and just biding time but accomplishing nothing or touching noone (just as none do touch me. ) It is truly a very empty painful existence for me right now.  

PS It occured to me that I do get a few rub off lottery tix from boss and nephew's family along with pix of the kids and maybe a homemade magnet, so I cannot truly say I did not get a thing.  Shame on me for  saying I got nothing.