how do you stay?
i came home from work last thursday to find my husband drunkenly "sleeping". Now , this is nothing new.... i am well aware that that the drinking and/or pill taking has never stopped for any significant length of time. Last thursday was the most most blatant of the more recent episodes. A journal entry about the incident has been banging around in my head for the past week. I have even begun writing it a few times, but realized that am sick of myself. It is just another in a long list of the same story over and over and i am bored. So i have decided instead to focus this entry on the strengths and tools i have at my disposal in order to survive. Leaving/ Legal divorce is not a financial possibility now so here I stay. How can I do it and regain my integrity, dignity and maintain a satisfying life? Not impossible. detachment is the key here, yet this can be a vague term.
I have noticed that my emotional turmoil surrounding addiction and the state of my marriage has calmed down. My feelings of anger, fear, abandonment and betrayal, have turned more towards disgust, impatience and lean towards plain hate. In being kind to myself i have come to know that these are VALID feelings!!! I have been a good wife and partner, and done all i could do to help, including being willing to follow him into that dark place he is in,
in an attempt to drag him into the light. but it is not and never will be about ME.
1. i am grateful that he is a secretive drunk, tries to hide it from me and pretty much leaves me alone.
2. i am grateful for his fixed income that allows for a somewhat comfortable lifestyle that is not in jeapardy due to his addictions.
3. i am grateful for all the support that i have found here and at other places. i am also grateful for those special friends that i can call and confide in.
4. i am grateful for the woman i have become!!!! i am smart, strong and self reliant. i am complete without a partner.
5. my home provides me with private space that i am making into my own, so the illusion of marriage does not have to be endured.
6. i am so very grateful for the realization that it is no longer my responsibility to buffer my AH from the consequences of his choices, including his sadness at the dissolution of our relationship.
7. i have choices and i am making them.
i have realized that the tools i have been seeking are attitudes. not really tools, but giving myself permission to choose for myself! i speak my truth to him. I try not to be crazy or hurtful, but i no longer pretend out of some misguided need to not hurt his feelings or because i am afraid of the consequences.... i quite simply care very little. I no longer respond to his manipulations. and i am so much better at ignoring him when he ramps it up to anger. my biggest hurdle is surprisingly: engaging in the everyday small talk. somehow, although i can enjoy talking with him i DO NOT want him to engage in that magical thinking of his that allows him to think every thing is okay because we have had a mundane conversation...... i need to get over this as well, because this is HIS denial not mine.
Life goes on, with or without him.
I have noticed that my emotional turmoil surrounding addiction and the state of my marriage has calmed down. My feelings of anger, fear, abandonment and betrayal, have turned more towards disgust, impatience and lean towards plain hate. In being kind to myself i have come to know that these are VALID feelings!!! I have been a good wife and partner, and done all i could do to help, including being willing to follow him into that dark place he is in,
in an attempt to drag him into the light. but it is not and never will be about ME.
1. i am grateful that he is a secretive drunk, tries to hide it from me and pretty much leaves me alone.
2. i am grateful for his fixed income that allows for a somewhat comfortable lifestyle that is not in jeapardy due to his addictions.
3. i am grateful for all the support that i have found here and at other places. i am also grateful for those special friends that i can call and confide in.
4. i am grateful for the woman i have become!!!! i am smart, strong and self reliant. i am complete without a partner.
5. my home provides me with private space that i am making into my own, so the illusion of marriage does not have to be endured.
6. i am so very grateful for the realization that it is no longer my responsibility to buffer my AH from the consequences of his choices, including his sadness at the dissolution of our relationship.
7. i have choices and i am making them.
i have realized that the tools i have been seeking are attitudes. not really tools, but giving myself permission to choose for myself! i speak my truth to him. I try not to be crazy or hurtful, but i no longer pretend out of some misguided need to not hurt his feelings or because i am afraid of the consequences.... i quite simply care very little. I no longer respond to his manipulations. and i am so much better at ignoring him when he ramps it up to anger. my biggest hurdle is surprisingly: engaging in the everyday small talk. somehow, although i can enjoy talking with him i DO NOT want him to engage in that magical thinking of his that allows him to think every thing is okay because we have had a mundane conversation...... i need to get over this as well, because this is HIS denial not mine.
Life goes on, with or without him.
Replies
Well put, and good for you. (((((HUGS)))))
I\'m glad that you\'ve been able to find tools that let you be happy despite the addiction. It\'s strange to think back sometimes and think about how different things seem in your journals now from months ago. You seem pretty happy and a lot more relaxed. :-)