How do you know??? : )
How do you guys know when I have written something or put pictures up? You swoop in like angels and give so much feedback and support!!! It's beautiful and amazing. I don't want to be less than responsive but I don't know when someone has posted on their journal/whatever. HOw to have eyes on the back of my head?
Well I feel better this morning, a big sleep. I took half a Klonopin. LOL I can make a prescription last forever. Once in a while I try to sleep without any meds but I end up flipping around. Give it time, huh? I never used to need meds, even before Andy died. Well... actually... I would take a Benadryl now and then. Cheap insurance, KO punch.
I look at you guys' pictures and feel soooo much loss. I know you feel the same when you see Andy. Corrie, OMG, such a cutie. Like a young Tina Fey. Brilliant and beautiful. A life of promise.
One of the most painful breakdowns we had in the last few days of Andy's life, in fact it was the Saturday he lost his mind and we had to take him into the hospital despite having promised him he could die at home (we couldn't keep him safe, he was crashing all over the place and fighting us) was when he was sedated... sleeping peacefully at last... and his GF Heidi said that they had wanted to have babies, that they had chosen names. We all started to cry and cry. Then she told us the names. Get this: NEON and BONUS. We all laughed and laughed and laughed, through our tears. I think that the most gorgeous quiet miracle and the deepest sadness happened. Andy always loved babies and had a real way with them, BUT said that the world didn't need any more children and that he would take care of other people's kids. I was OK with this, but when Heidi said that they had chosen names, we all cried, because secretly he HAD wanted to be a father, see? :(
And finally, the last part of that particular story, up until now, is that my other son (and now only child) Byron, who is a wonderful stable hunky sweetie, with a beautiful girlfriend named Caitlin, are finding themselves not agreeing on whether they want children. I think her body is just beginning to say, "I want to get married, I want a baby" and he is, having nursed and lost his only sibling through cancer, too exhausted and traumatized to even talk about it, and feels that he can't promise that he ever wants kids. I said that's ok Byron, you shouldn't worry about it right now... We've been to hell and back, let's just hold onto our lives and not make things more complicated.
But. I may never know grandchildren. I know lots of you understand how much this can matter, because either you didn't get to have gc's or you DO have them and they are such a source of joy. I have tried to not care..................... and that is pretty damn hard. Impossible. I do care. I love babies. It would be more honest of me to say that I love babies, but that I am willing to be supportive of whatever is best for Byron. I don't mean I want GC tomorrow... just someday. I can wait. I just don't like the idea of 'never'. Still, if he says he can't do it, then he shouldn't. No one should have children who doesn't want them... it's not fair to the kids. When Larry and I were expecting, we were SO happy and already in love with the babies. We talked to them inside. I am crying now and I realize that we were talking to Andy. I'm typing with my eyes closed, boo hoo.
If Byron and Caitlin don't work this out in a few years, I'm afraid she will leave him. I can take joy in other people's babies. But oh dear. I am SO NOT A WORRIER by nature, never was, and look at me. : ( I am laughing at myself as the tears stream down my face.
Grief means not knowing who you are anymore. Yuck.
Thanks for being here with me. (((HUG)))
Well I feel better this morning, a big sleep. I took half a Klonopin. LOL I can make a prescription last forever. Once in a while I try to sleep without any meds but I end up flipping around. Give it time, huh? I never used to need meds, even before Andy died. Well... actually... I would take a Benadryl now and then. Cheap insurance, KO punch.
I look at you guys' pictures and feel soooo much loss. I know you feel the same when you see Andy. Corrie, OMG, such a cutie. Like a young Tina Fey. Brilliant and beautiful. A life of promise.
One of the most painful breakdowns we had in the last few days of Andy's life, in fact it was the Saturday he lost his mind and we had to take him into the hospital despite having promised him he could die at home (we couldn't keep him safe, he was crashing all over the place and fighting us) was when he was sedated... sleeping peacefully at last... and his GF Heidi said that they had wanted to have babies, that they had chosen names. We all started to cry and cry. Then she told us the names. Get this: NEON and BONUS. We all laughed and laughed and laughed, through our tears. I think that the most gorgeous quiet miracle and the deepest sadness happened. Andy always loved babies and had a real way with them, BUT said that the world didn't need any more children and that he would take care of other people's kids. I was OK with this, but when Heidi said that they had chosen names, we all cried, because secretly he HAD wanted to be a father, see? :(
And finally, the last part of that particular story, up until now, is that my other son (and now only child) Byron, who is a wonderful stable hunky sweetie, with a beautiful girlfriend named Caitlin, are finding themselves not agreeing on whether they want children. I think her body is just beginning to say, "I want to get married, I want a baby" and he is, having nursed and lost his only sibling through cancer, too exhausted and traumatized to even talk about it, and feels that he can't promise that he ever wants kids. I said that's ok Byron, you shouldn't worry about it right now... We've been to hell and back, let's just hold onto our lives and not make things more complicated.
But. I may never know grandchildren. I know lots of you understand how much this can matter, because either you didn't get to have gc's or you DO have them and they are such a source of joy. I have tried to not care..................... and that is pretty damn hard. Impossible. I do care. I love babies. It would be more honest of me to say that I love babies, but that I am willing to be supportive of whatever is best for Byron. I don't mean I want GC tomorrow... just someday. I can wait. I just don't like the idea of 'never'. Still, if he says he can't do it, then he shouldn't. No one should have children who doesn't want them... it's not fair to the kids. When Larry and I were expecting, we were SO happy and already in love with the babies. We talked to them inside. I am crying now and I realize that we were talking to Andy. I'm typing with my eyes closed, boo hoo.
If Byron and Caitlin don't work this out in a few years, I'm afraid she will leave him. I can take joy in other people's babies. But oh dear. I am SO NOT A WORRIER by nature, never was, and look at me. : ( I am laughing at myself as the tears stream down my face.
Grief means not knowing who you are anymore. Yuck.
Thanks for being here with me. (((HUG)))
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