How do I make a promise...& keep it?
I wanted to share because I know I'm not alone. Even if I feel very alone at times, a tell tale sign of codependency.
I am currently struggling, working toward something better...gaining control over my life. It seems like an uphill, overwhelming battle tho. It seems I go in cycles of a few days when I pull myself together only to spiral seemingly unaware back to the bottom of my pit.
A little about me. I am 40 years old. I was married for 12 years & because of a very distant & emotionally abusive husband, I walked away. He let me without any fight. There were no children. I choose to walk away because there was no intimacy for years, it was more of a financial agreement, an agreement to almost just be friends, to be together so I wouldn't be alone & he could provide which made him feel like a "man". After I left, I was devestated. I had lost everything. All savings, my home, my dogs, all friends as I had built my life around him & his family. I didn't know how to rebuild but I knew I wasn't happy in a loveless marriage & fell for the myth Hollywood embeds in us.
I wasn't ready & got in a new relationship with a man who had his own emotional baggage. Because of the lack of intimacy in my past marriage, I jumped in...eyes closed. We did not get married even though he,asked because I was scared & didn't feel ready & feared making mistakes knowing I was not emotionally well. 6 months into the relationship I found I was pregnant & had a beautiful daughter. This man was very controlling, abusive at times, & as soon as I had my daughter was told "he had what he wanted" & I no longer became anything. I felt worthless. Again, I felt betrayed, mad at myself for believing, I felt stupid for trusting someone who obviously was very unsupportive, uncaring, & incapable of showing love. I was angry at him & myself. I blamed myself, I blamed him, I blamed anyone I could because I couldn't make sense of it. Even as I still lived with him, trying to save the relationship, I discovered he had already moved on & was seeing someone else.
In complete despair & having no financial resources, I reached out to my ex husband & moved back in with him states away. Big mistake. After a year of back and forth between states with an infant & a traumatic custody case it became very clear why I left my ex husband as the same patterns came back into play. Feeling I needed to do right for my daughter, hoping I could repair my relationship with my child's father I relocated back where my child's father lived. I expressed the focus & importance on my daughter having both her parents in her life (which is detrimental to her health as she develops) but deep down wanted to repair or fix that relationship. Nothing has changed. He is still very controlling, barely letting me see my daughter unless it's on his terms, I've cut communication with my ex husband, & feel absolutely powerless.
I'm in a new town, no friends, no family (they live states away). Okay. So here's the good I guess. I got a job, not one that will pay the bills but something. I got an apartment of my own. I have a vehicle. I go to church & literally use all my energy to not cry each day. & that's about it. Yup...that's the bleekness I feel. I'm trying to get control over my hopelesssness, powerlessness, feelings of guilt & shame for the mistakes I've made. I'm trying not to place blame & take responsibility. I get sucked into this cycle of "why bother". I feel like I have nothing. No one to share my life with, barely see my daughter & she's growing so fast, completely frustrated in the work I'm doing (I have a bachelor's degree & am working min. wage at a grocery). I feel so alone. Truly lost. No direction, simply going thru the motions. I want it to stop & take control & get my life, indepence, & find...feel some kind of happiness.
I'm just really struggling staying positive. Feels like I'm treading water taking gulps in. I joined a 12 step last night. A recovery group. I want this to stop because these last 5 years have crushed me. I don't feel like I value myself, I don't feel like I can do it, I suffer from such low esteem because of the men 8n my life have told me I'm weak & can't do it & somehow...at some point...I started believing it. I know I am strong but at this point I don't know how to stop this pattern I've allowed.
I am currently struggling, working toward something better...gaining control over my life. It seems like an uphill, overwhelming battle tho. It seems I go in cycles of a few days when I pull myself together only to spiral seemingly unaware back to the bottom of my pit.
A little about me. I am 40 years old. I was married for 12 years & because of a very distant & emotionally abusive husband, I walked away. He let me without any fight. There were no children. I choose to walk away because there was no intimacy for years, it was more of a financial agreement, an agreement to almost just be friends, to be together so I wouldn't be alone & he could provide which made him feel like a "man". After I left, I was devestated. I had lost everything. All savings, my home, my dogs, all friends as I had built my life around him & his family. I didn't know how to rebuild but I knew I wasn't happy in a loveless marriage & fell for the myth Hollywood embeds in us.
I wasn't ready & got in a new relationship with a man who had his own emotional baggage. Because of the lack of intimacy in my past marriage, I jumped in...eyes closed. We did not get married even though he,asked because I was scared & didn't feel ready & feared making mistakes knowing I was not emotionally well. 6 months into the relationship I found I was pregnant & had a beautiful daughter. This man was very controlling, abusive at times, & as soon as I had my daughter was told "he had what he wanted" & I no longer became anything. I felt worthless. Again, I felt betrayed, mad at myself for believing, I felt stupid for trusting someone who obviously was very unsupportive, uncaring, & incapable of showing love. I was angry at him & myself. I blamed myself, I blamed him, I blamed anyone I could because I couldn't make sense of it. Even as I still lived with him, trying to save the relationship, I discovered he had already moved on & was seeing someone else.
In complete despair & having no financial resources, I reached out to my ex husband & moved back in with him states away. Big mistake. After a year of back and forth between states with an infant & a traumatic custody case it became very clear why I left my ex husband as the same patterns came back into play. Feeling I needed to do right for my daughter, hoping I could repair my relationship with my child's father I relocated back where my child's father lived. I expressed the focus & importance on my daughter having both her parents in her life (which is detrimental to her health as she develops) but deep down wanted to repair or fix that relationship. Nothing has changed. He is still very controlling, barely letting me see my daughter unless it's on his terms, I've cut communication with my ex husband, & feel absolutely powerless.
I'm in a new town, no friends, no family (they live states away). Okay. So here's the good I guess. I got a job, not one that will pay the bills but something. I got an apartment of my own. I have a vehicle. I go to church & literally use all my energy to not cry each day. & that's about it. Yup...that's the bleekness I feel. I'm trying to get control over my hopelesssness, powerlessness, feelings of guilt & shame for the mistakes I've made. I'm trying not to place blame & take responsibility. I get sucked into this cycle of "why bother". I feel like I have nothing. No one to share my life with, barely see my daughter & she's growing so fast, completely frustrated in the work I'm doing (I have a bachelor's degree & am working min. wage at a grocery). I feel so alone. Truly lost. No direction, simply going thru the motions. I want it to stop & take control & get my life, indepence, & find...feel some kind of happiness.
I'm just really struggling staying positive. Feels like I'm treading water taking gulps in. I joined a 12 step last night. A recovery group. I want this to stop because these last 5 years have crushed me. I don't feel like I value myself, I don't feel like I can do it, I suffer from such low esteem because of the men 8n my life have told me I'm weak & can't do it & somehow...at some point...I started believing it. I know I am strong but at this point I don't know how to stop this pattern I've allowed.
Replies
God has a plan and purpose for your life! First and most important factor I see you said you joined a church best move you can make. As far as feeling worthless, girl you are not in the eyes of God you are wonderful! I am so sorry to read the series of events that you have gone through...but look you took yourself out of very dangerous emotionally abusive relationships...it is very hard to walk away with no knowledge of how you\'ll make it... And with a child... Kudos sister! Don\'t allow passed mistakes to bind your future, your perception of who you are... Those are lies from the enemy, father of lies. You are doing fabulously considering the odds against you. You got this! If you aren\'t capable at this time to believe in yourself hold tight to the promises that God has given you and of such value and worth you are in His eyes. You will make it! God is always Faithful! We may not know when he will fix things and his answers may not be the same ones we were hoping for but ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM! THAT IS THE PROMISE I HOLD CLOSE TO MY HEART EVERYDAY! YOU GOT THIS, REMEMBER WHO YOU REALLY ARE...NOT WHAT THE WORLD OR OTHERS SAY YOY ARE... THIS LIFE IN THIS WORLD IS VERY TEMPORAL... WHO SAYS THAT THEIR CONDEMNATIONS MATTER?! Excellent about joining a 12 step you go! Uphill battles don\'t seem to ever cease in one form or another in this life, however God will help carry you if you let Him. Check out Footprints in the Sand poem search in Google! Wonderful expression of God\'s love and protection over us!
God Bless.
In Him,
D Lane
Thank you for your kind words. I\'ve made a lot of progress & yesterday was successful. I was allowed to visit my daughter at his house. As soon as I walked in the emotional abuse & verbal attacks started. I simply & calmly stated if now wasn\'t a good time even tho he offered, I will leave because I am not allowing or accepting such treatment anymore. As I went to leave, he asked for me not to go & spend some time with our daughter. I waited a few minutes & his abuse stopped. I am putting my foot down, the sacrifice is time spent with my daughter, but I am stopping the cycle. Normally, I wouldn\'t have said anything, pacified him. Typical codependency taking it in as somehow I should devalue myself & then later fall apart. So it was a big step. I\'m not weak...very afraid...but trying a new tactic. A healthier one to set new ground rules & boundaries. It\'s tough & backfires I know at times. But I\'ve made a promise to myself & god I\'m going to do this, with or without feeling loved by the person I want so badly to be with. It\'s not giving up but letting go. Sometimes I guess we are all in different places, different parts of our journeys. I\'m not focusing on anyone\'s else\'s but mine. I am trusting god will show me & even if I don\'t understand...I can get thru this hopelessness & very lonely time. Thank you again.
A mind with clarity and understanding will most certainly continue you on a calmer and better path. As D has said, God does indeed have a plan and purpose for our lives. Having past regrets simply means we are human, having troubled times and also joys to come. Be strong and God Bless.
You\'re most welcome Julie. I think one of the things us codependents do heavily struggle with is denial of our own feelings or the ability to withdraw and believe that it will just go away. I, myself, struggle with allowing verbal/emotional abuse to occur. I took a stand last weekend which was totally out of character and scared the crap out of my husband, I even took off and ignored him. Never have I done that before. But when we get a argument which is rare but when it happens he explodes says whatever hurtful things he wants and then storms off or leaves which isn\'t working through the problem. So, I gave him a taste of his own medicine left him with our son and left for a few ours. He got the pictures real quick that I will no longer be accepting such behavior from him. He doesn\'t say mean and hurtful things daily, but he does get short, self-serving and inconsiderate daily. He doesn\'t seem to grasp how to love someone and assure them of it, especially in his recovery. I\'m used to the drunk / addict behavior but this recovery (although refreshing and different) very trial some. He doesn\'t get that this all has taken a toll on me too. Especially since I was raised in a very dysfunctional environment and drugs/alcohol have been the norm for me. I have been a codependent my whole life. I don\'t know any other way it is awful. Anyways, I took a stand and this week, he has been making a conscious decision to show me that my well being matters, one of the only times in our 4 year relationship that he has been genuinely concerned about me. It is nice to feel of value. However, we have a very LONG ROAD AHEAD. Big pill to swallow. God does have a plan for you, he will always be beside you. I am proud of you for standing your ground, it takes the power away from them. I used to think sometimes that my husband didn\'t get me health insurance because he was struggling with feeling unworthy and shameful in his addiction that he didn\'t want me to get help so I would see with clarity or gain my confidence back. I\'m not sure if that\'s the case, but he has done some pretty awful, damaging things in our marriage that I can\'t put anything past him. Which is so hard, I see God working in him lately, so I am so grateful for that. I COMMEND YOU FOR YOUR EFFORTS TO FOCUS ON YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICES AND YOUR JOURNEY! That is by far the best things you can do, if you aren\'t mentally/emotionally well how can you include anyone else in your life, so many people don\'t realize that. You want to be the BEST YOU! FOR GOD, but for YOU TOO. No one else determines your value Julie, no one! Isn\'t it so easy in our codependency to to what to appease the other person, like how you said you usually would pacify him. Pulling yourself out of the general cycle and realizing that this is one of the things you had control over the whole time and still did that repetitive act to pacify where has it lead??? I am guilty of the same things, that\'s when I say I took a stand I did and it was one of the best choices I ever made.
Well, I took a stand & he got quiet like I had said. & now my reality begins. The reason why I truly feel so unhealthy. In our custody agreement he has our daughter 1 week & I have her 1 week. Or that\'s how it\'s supposed to work. I can\'t stop crying, feeling so helpless, hopeless...because I stood up for myself he won\'t allow me to have her for my week. It rips my heart out. I ache for her. Can barely work & keep it together. Everytime I see a child I wanna start bawling. It\'s such cruel & emotionally abuse that I don\'t know how anyone could endure it. Being kept for no reason away from their child other than selfish & controlling behavior. I\'m so low today. I can\'t keep it together. I got in my car after work & immediately started crying. I don\'t know how I\'m going to get thru this & stay strong & healthy. I feel like God is punishing me for my mistakes even tho I know he\'s just behaving irrationally & using her as a pawn. It\'s still completely devestating...it\'s why I would always cower back. I want my baby. I want him to realize how bad he\'s hurting me & show some empathy, concern, anything...
I am so sorry to hear that. There isn\'t a way to call a policeman to excort her out as apart of the court order. The courts take their agreements seriously I would think. That is how it is here in California! He legally can not do this. He doesn\'t have legal grounds to control the custody agreement to his own terms. I know here in California we would just call the police department and file a claim regarding his behavior and breaking the legal agreement and they should go with you to get her for your week. God is not punishing you.. It is the enemy working in your ex that is causing this.
Normally they would help but in Tennessee the police \"don\'t get involved in civil matters\" which this is. They simply say to document it & take him back to court which is time consuming, expensive, & in the meantime I still am without her. Trust me, I\'ve tried that route. Thank you for responding tho. :)
Oh no! I\'m so sorry to hear that! Legal fees are outrageous! Prayers for you in this!