How do I know if he has changed?

I am sorry for only using this group to ask questions at the moment but i feel as though i don't know enough to give any answers... please forgive me using rather than giving. I wanted to ask how i know whether the emotional abuse from my partner has ended? for the last two weeks and maybe a little more. things have been fine. no arguments, no shouting, no horrible names... and he has said one thing that wasn't so nice but he apologised and it hasn't left any hurt... but yet six months ago, i was self harming becaes of the pain and the way he hurt me... and even up to a month ago things were not really good though i was dealing with them better... how do i know if it's stopped or not? if it has, why? if it hasn't, how do i know and why has it stopped for now and what will make it start again? i feel like i should just shut up and be happy - it's over right so that's great.. but why? should i believe it? how long have other people gone in an abusive relationship without being abused? thanks. oh. and he wants to move in with me and the longer we get on well the more I feel we could.. but how do i know it's OK? Posted on 02/23/09, 05:02 am  Reply #1 - 02/23/09  6:10amDoes he acknowledge his past bad behavior? Does he feel remorse for it? Does he try to repair the damage he did to you? Have you been able to talk about it, without him getting angry, and tell him how it affected you? Unless you could answer yes to these questions, I would guess that it is only a honeymoon phase. I will sadly tell you that abuse rarely stops and it usually gets worse, and that there are usually honeymoon phases where there is the absence of abuse, which we confuse with being good. I hope you can find your way through the chaos, to find yourself. Let your spirit rise up, and don't let him drive you to hurt yourself. He's not worth it, and you deserve better. Hugs to you.  Reply #2 - 02/23/09  6:45amwell he apologises more quickly now for things he does. but i am still afraid to cry in front of him because i don't know if he will just walk away from me. he's been telling me nice things about myself recently and not bad things and he's been less demanding and more loving. but we never spoke about what happened... i did try at the time but i wouldn't raise it now.. why woud i? things are good!   Reply #3 - 02/23/09  6:49amMy experience has been that this is the "honeymoon phase". The apologies seem real. It all seems real, but as soon as you get comfortable, he's going to pull the emotional rug out from under you again. It's a pattern, a cycle, a phase.   Reply #4 - 02/23/09  7:20amEveryone has said it all here..and hockeymom is so right.. Especially the point 'Have you been able to talk about it, without him getting angry, and tell him how it affected you?' You are still afraid to cry in front of him.. You think he will ignore you and walk away if you express your feelings. You sound afriad to revisit any discussion of his bad behaviour? Its is ONLY two weeks since he was shouting at you, and argueing with you, and calling you names. Why do you feel you need to 'shut up' now..and act like nothing happened? It has been so bad that not so long ago you were 'self harming because of the pain and the way he hurt' you? You are worried about what might set him off again? You don't really believe things have fully changed for good? Sorry to say...But none of this would be any basis to 'move in with him' any time soon... You need to be sure, you need to be able to express how you feel, safely and freely without fear of his reactions. He needs to be and say sorry, and be making amends. If thmeans you talking a lot more about what happened, he should be willing to do that. There also needs to be a 'very' long period of trust rebuilding, and evidence of him being non-abusive, before I would even slightly consider moving in with him, at all. Everything you describe, is no basis at all for a healthy relationship...And if you move in with him soon, you might spend a very long and painful time, regretting it. I would seriously advise you to think longer and harder about this, and to study and acknowledge the facts. Two weeks of 'good' behaviour..Is WAY off being enough time, to see if anything has truly changed. Like hockeymom says..And it is a known documented fact...'abuse rarely stops and it usually gets worse.