How do I confront?
He went to his counselor today, and said it went well. He actually said that the counselor was really proud of us for having the discussion about his need to email/text etc. He's been in such a good mood.
Do I confront him about uncovering the other nearly year long affair? I don't want to send him into a spiral, but I can't understand WHY he would tell me about a dozen others but not this one. WHY? How many others did he leave out?
Does it even matter any more?
It's not good for me to re-read the emails. I'm almost immune after reading the ones the Bunny Boiler sent, so full of "I love you" and "I can't stop thinking about you". I finally deleted all of those nearly 2 years ago. Now I have these new ones from "S". I can't seem to stop myself from staring at the words on the screen. How much he loves her, how much he thinks about her, how much he misses her. Of course the references like "I'll call you as soon as she's gone", knowing that I'm the "she" make my stomach hurt.
I was hauling my ass around the country, making a very comfortable living for us. He was fucking her.
No, not just fucking her. Wooing her. Making her stay infatuated with him. I'm guessing once they got "comfortable" is when he started wooing the Bunny Boiler.
I don't think his addiction is to sex per se. I think it's to attention, to infatuation, to having an illicit romance. The discretion, the secrecy, all adds to it. Honestly, the 6 months that I was out of state and he didn't have to sneak around with the Bunny Boiler is probably what did that relationship in.
So all that, and I'm worried about how to approach him about this latest discovery of even more infidelity, betrayal, and deception because I don't want him to get upset.
I'm probably the one with the mental health issue.
Do I confront him about uncovering the other nearly year long affair? I don't want to send him into a spiral, but I can't understand WHY he would tell me about a dozen others but not this one. WHY? How many others did he leave out?
Does it even matter any more?
It's not good for me to re-read the emails. I'm almost immune after reading the ones the Bunny Boiler sent, so full of "I love you" and "I can't stop thinking about you". I finally deleted all of those nearly 2 years ago. Now I have these new ones from "S". I can't seem to stop myself from staring at the words on the screen. How much he loves her, how much he thinks about her, how much he misses her. Of course the references like "I'll call you as soon as she's gone", knowing that I'm the "she" make my stomach hurt.
I was hauling my ass around the country, making a very comfortable living for us. He was fucking her.
No, not just fucking her. Wooing her. Making her stay infatuated with him. I'm guessing once they got "comfortable" is when he started wooing the Bunny Boiler.
I don't think his addiction is to sex per se. I think it's to attention, to infatuation, to having an illicit romance. The discretion, the secrecy, all adds to it. Honestly, the 6 months that I was out of state and he didn't have to sneak around with the Bunny Boiler is probably what did that relationship in.
So all that, and I'm worried about how to approach him about this latest discovery of even more infidelity, betrayal, and deception because I don't want him to get upset.
I'm probably the one with the mental health issue.
Replies
I\'ve been there. Being so worried about HIM and his reaction that you squash your own very valid feelings and concerns. It\'s codependence and probably some self-esteem issues. You don\'t deserve the way he\'s treating you, bottom line.
I would also be very wary about anything he \"says\" that his therapist said. Mine used to lie about that all of the time. That\'s what these messed up people do - they lie, they manipulate, and they always try to put things in the best light for them.
Fortunately, the therapist has treated both of us individually (not MC, that\'s a different one), and he has signed the paperwork allowing me to confirm with her what\'s up.
She\'s happy he admitted to me what he\'d done. She\'s happy he told his treatment team what he\'d done, and acknowledged that he was sliding. She\'s happy he\'s provided me access to his accounts and phone. Is this progress? Yes, it is. Intellectually, I know that. I just wasn\'t ready for a \"relapse\".
That is all progress. But it\'s still not okay what he did. What\'s really, REALLY not okay is that he seems to want you to make this behavior a \"normal\" part of your existence with him. I would tell him that he can have as many \"friends\" as he wants and send them all dick pictures to his hearts content - somewhere else. But as long as he\'s engaging in that behavior he is not to be under your roof.