How did I let this Happen ??
Lizzie, my wife of 4 years left me 4 weeks as a result of our struggles with my alcoholism. I'm dyin inside. Im alcoholic. and i can't get a grip on sobriety. I have struggled with it for years, come to find out. I am what you would call a binge drinker. I do my best not allow my drinking to get in peoples way, which is why drink mostly alone. This last Monday I had a dr. appt and got a prescription for VyVanse which is and ADD drug. One that I have abused in the past. Somehow I reasoned myself into getting vyvanse to help me meet a deadline for a project I needed to get done. I fooled myself into thinking this time i would'nt abuse, while knowing "I couldnt control it. Walking out of the pharmacy, prescription filled, I took one as soon as I got in the car. From there I went home, a block away, to get my week started. I worked in my home pretty diligently till about 5 pm when I had to leave for a therapist in North Hollywood. When I arrived I soon became very anxious. Truth be told I felt guilty. This is one of the games I play with myself. I Assign roles of responsibility for my guilt. This session, only my second with this therapist, lasted only 30 min. It was cut short because my Alcoholic behavior and tendancies. I am still using and I guess it is standard practice not to work with alcoholics/addicts within there first year of sobriety unless you a trained on how to work with alcoholism/addiction. If we are not treated correctly in conjunction with the 12 steps, therapy would be a waste of time, not to metion money. She highly recommended 12 steps followed up with trained alcohol and drug therapist. As I left, I thanked her, hoping this would be yet another catalyst for my sobriety. I drove home and started get some of my work done for this large project I had to have done by morning. I didn't even get 5 minutes into it till i gave into the back oand forth in my head of how much quicker and efficient I would be if i took another. You see, ADD meds are meant to calm you down not speed you up. Ironic, since ADD meds are amphetamines. Those who have true ADD can take and they do just that. Well for me it was speed. It definitely helped me get just a little bit more done.That was until I realized an hour had passed and another one would appropriate. So, by 7pm I had taken 3, 70mg (highest daily dose they prescribe) vyvanse. 3 hours, I found myself on the phone with my uncle doing everything but my work.At 10 pm I walked in my office, looked at my work and made my decision. All nighter!I took a pill then and another at around 2am and another at 5am.I know I was somewhat productive but really, I was simply expending energy. I took a few showers before I left at noon to re-vitalize myself. By the time I had gotten home after a wasted day, I had taken 6 pills. The day had flown by. The only calories that I put in my body came from 2 gallon jugs of cranberry juice. Around midnight I realize I'm going to have to do another all niter since it was midnight and I had just ingested another pill bring the pill total to 10.I wish I could tell you I stopped there, or even before they ran out. I took the final vyvanse pill Thursday morning just before i was to present in front of our whole company. Thank God it was via conference call. I was a bit scattered but otherwise did ok. I said as little as possible so no one picked up that Adam was a little different this morning. After our call 3hrs later, I drove down to my warehouse to do a few things . After about an hour in the warhouse it hit me. I was strung out. I had taken a 1 monthe supply of 70 mg vayvanse in an 80 hour period and hadn't slept or eaten (aside from jamba juice ) in 3 nights. How does this happen.?How did I let myselfdo this shit.I've heard it said that Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I am progressing.I'm an addict.I am caught int the throws of this disease and I write to release.It is now 1:10am Friday morning and I am ready to close the "Day" that began Monday morning. Adam V.Alcoholic/Addict
Replies
You\'re lost Adam.....but you can be found. There is a lot of existential angst in your words. It\'s very difficult to accept that, in the end, we really are alone in this world. Life is a journey that we all must ultimately traverse alone...there is no other way. No one REALLY understands. I hated coming to that realization.
You\'ll find yourself Adam if you\'ll just stop running. I am sorry about Lizzy and I know that the loss has been hard and has left you feeling alone but if you\'ll really be honest with yourself, I think you\'ll find that ...you were \"alone\" even when Lizzy still there. I know you feel lost and alienated and probably think no one can really understand the anguish your experiencing and to a great extent...you are right...that\'s what\'s so frightening...we must all experience, confront and resolve our angst alone...but there are many of us out here to support you as you find your own way...your own unique way. I have no idea has led me to such a philosophical response to your journal entry but it came up so I let it come...take from it what you will...
It made me so sad, reading your journal....your pain and confusion so pronounced. I\'m sorry to read that after making the right decision and throwing all the ADD meds out, you decided to test those waters again. You identify yourself as an alcoholic and you are... but clearly just saying \"addict\" is more accurate. You are an addict when it comes to any mind (and feeling) altering substance. You know this.
I am at a loss...I dk what to say that you haven\'t heard a thousand times before. You know the problem and to a great extent...the solution The issue is implementation and follow through. You keep testing the bottom...I just hope and pray you find it soon. Like everything else...you and only you decides when you\'ve had enough. Is it enough? God how I wish I had the answer to give you, to fix it, make the pain and confusion less daunting but all I can do is tell you I love you, encourage your progress, listen to the struggles, try to support without enabling, share my own struggles so you know you\'re not the only one, help you pick yourself up when you fall and constantly remind you that every moment is a new opportunity for a healthy choice. I guess, in the end, it\'s all about pain management...how we manage the ever present pain, determines whether our lives go down a positive track or a self destructive one. Yet again, we get to choose. We can\'t ever truly escape the pain but we can learn to live with it and sometimes even channel it in life affirming ways...right now you\'re struggling with acceptance of \"what is\"...the focus externalized (Lizzy). It\'s certainly clique..but it\'s true, the source and the answers both reside within. I don\'t know a lot and continue with my own struggle but one thing I\'m absolutely clear on is....the only way out....it through. I love you Adam
Thank you for your words David.
I call later this evening, Monday, and we can chat. After my 6:15 meeting of course.
I have been know to rationalize quite a bit myself. There are a few emails to David where he gently pointed out as much. I know how it is in the moment. You want something that you know is self destructive because you want that small moment where you can tune out all the nagging thoughts and feelings - that constant drone that is always there. The problem is the peace if fleeting and even as you escape, there is that nagging knowledge that it is going to be worse after. Because now you have guilt to add to it all. Still, that just proves the point right? I act this way because that is what I deserve and by doing this I am just doing what I deserve.
That was how I felt at least. No, I was never into drugs or alcohol. I took pills as a kid and developed an aversion to pills. I never did like the taste of alcohol. Otherwise, I most likely would have gone down that path. Instead, I would cut myself. Same effect - a rush of endorphins, a little bit of peace, and a little bit of shame.
You know what, though. I quit. I still want it at times. It will hit me and I find myself surprised by how strong the urge is. However, I am getting control over all that. I didn\'t just use willpower. Instead, I went to a lot of counseling and did a lot of talking, David helped me much during this process. I worked through things that I hated about myself. As I talked and released shame, I started to hate myself a little less. Then actually like myself at times. I\'m not there yet. Hell, I\'m not sure there ever is an end to this road. However, I feel peaceful most of the time.
God, I feel a little preachy in all this. I know I\'m not you. I also know that you are well aware that addicts have turned their life around. What I was trying to convey (however ineptly) is that it is a hard road you are on. However, with talking and working with people, it is doable. There are a lot of good people out there and this is a great place to find them.
I\'m glad to meet you Adam. I hope today was a better day for you. Take care - Robyn