How did I let this Happen ??

Lizzie, my wife of 4 years left me 4 weeks as a result of our struggles with my alcoholism. I'm dyin inside.  Im alcoholic. and i can't get a grip on sobriety.  I have struggled with it for years, come to find out. I am what you would call a binge drinker. I do my best not allow my drinking to get in peoples way, which is why drink mostly alone. This last Monday I had a dr. appt and got a prescription for VyVanse which is and ADD drug. One that I have abused in the past. Somehow I reasoned myself into getting vyvanse to help me meet a deadline for a project I needed to get done. I fooled myself into thinking this time i would'nt abuse, while knowing "I couldnt control it. Walking out of the pharmacy, prescription filled, I took one as soon as I got in the car.  From there I went home, a block away, to get my week started. I worked in my home pretty diligently till about 5 pm when I had to leave for a therapist in North Hollywood. When I arrived I soon became very anxious. Truth be told I felt guilty. This is one of the games I play with myself. I Assign roles of responsibility for my guilt. This session, only my second with this therapist,  lasted only 30 min. It was cut short because my Alcoholic behavior and tendancies. I am still using and I guess it is standard practice not to work with alcoholics/addicts within there first year of sobriety unless you a trained on how to work with alcoholism/addiction. If we are not treated correctly in conjunction with the 12 steps, therapy would be a waste of time, not to metion money. She highly recommended 12 steps followed up with trained alcohol and drug therapist. As I left, I thanked her, hoping this would be yet  another catalyst for my sobriety. I drove home and started get some of my work done for this large project I had to have done by morning. I didn't even get 5 minutes into it till i gave into the back oand forth in my head of how much quicker and efficient I would be if i took another. You see, ADD meds are meant to calm you down not speed you up. Ironic, since ADD meds are amphetamines. Those who have true ADD can take and they do just that. Well for me it was speed. It definitely helped me get just a little bit more done.That was until I realized an hour had passed and another one would appropriate. So, by 7pm I had taken 3, 70mg (highest daily dose they prescribe) vyvanse. 3 hours, I found myself on the phone with my uncle doing everything but my work.At 10 pm  I walked in my office, looked at my work and made my decision. All nighter!I took a pill then and another at around 2am and another at 5am.I know I was somewhat productive but really, I was simply expending energy. I took a few showers before I left at noon to re-vitalize myself.  By the time I had gotten home after a wasted day, I had taken 6 pills. The day had flown by. The only calories that I put in my body came from 2 gallon jugs of cranberry juice. Around midnight I realize I'm going to have to do another all niter since it was midnight and I had just ingested another pill bring the pill total to 10.I wish I could tell you I stopped there, or even before they ran out. I took the final vyvanse pill Thursday  morning just before i was to present in front of our whole company. Thank God it was via conference call.  I was a bit scattered but otherwise did ok. I said as little as possible so no one picked up that Adam was a little different this morning. After our call  3hrs later, I drove down to my warehouse to do a few things . After about an hour in the warhouse it hit me. I was strung out. I had taken a 1 monthe supply of 70 mg vayvanse in an 80 hour period and hadn't slept or eaten (aside from jamba juice ) in 3 nights. How does this happen.?How did I let myselfdo this shit.I've heard it said that Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I am progressing.I'm an addict.I am caught int the throws of this disease and I write to release.It is now 1:10am Friday morning and I am ready to close the "Day" that began Monday morning.  Adam V.Alcoholic/Addict