How did I get Here?

I went to group today and Warren asked me how did I get where I am today. It's an important question for me. About 2 weeks ago I woke up and had the realization that this has really happened. I had a nervous breakdown. Spent a lot of time in the hospital, took and take psychiatric meds. Went to intensive day treatment. It took almost three years before I started opening up, partly because I wasn't consistent. I would go for a couple of weeks then disappear for a couple of weeks. Then go back, then disappear.  Who were my supports? Who did I trust? I had a spiritual crisis. Questioned my relation with God. I felt alone. I was alone. And the numbness inside me became real. All the years I spent making others happy, being a mother, a friend, a lover, I never felt anything. Just numb. And the breakdown threatened the security of my numbness. I never trusted anyone, even though it appeared that I did. To take away the one thing that made me feel safe, it was a scary place to be and I didn't like it. So I spent 3 years in intensive treatment trying to pull myself back together and at the same time protect the numbness. But there were those who wouldn't give up. They kept at me and I kept going back. I'm still not sure why, but I did. I shared with someone today the first time I cried in one of the groups. Everybody was focused on someone else, who was having a hard time, so I did my usual thing and sat and listened and didn't say anything. Then something happened. One tear slid out. I covered it with my hand so noone could see it, but Ann saw it. If you were to know Ann, you wouldn't like her at first. She's tough and doesn't hold back. She also has been a rock in my recovery, although I didn't know it at the time. She saw that one tear and immediately turned her focus to me. She didn't ask why I was crying, she asked what I was feeling. What I was feeling! And I answered her "I don't know". That's it. I don't know. And I didn't know. I spent my whole life not feeling. How was I supposed to know what I was feeling. That was my turning point, that day, in 2005. I remember exactly where I was sitting, what room I was in, what day it was. That I actually had feelings and that I was in a safe place to discover what they were was a monumental moment for me. I'm thinking that is how I've gotten to where I am today. A while back someone asked me why I was crying. My response was because I can.