How did I get here?
A year ago I was pretty suicidal and in such pain, near every day. My life was a mess of stress and misery and I was just barely hanging on inside. The phone would ring and I would cringe for the bad news it would might bring.
Well, I still cringe when the phone rings, but that is because I don't want to be bothered with trivial things anymore. I've had a lifetime of everyone's bullcrap and I sent everyone packing who wasn't being nice or putting in positive energy to get the hell out of my life. I snapped around Christmas time and now I sit in my home.....MY HOME....and there is peace and happiness here instead of stress and fighting. This has been a major improvement, but yet I still have such a long ways to go.
Still not sure how I got here. My health has improved some by personal and medical intervention, but I do know that nothing changed until I was willing to change inside first.
My garden blooms and I consider myself single, even though the old boyfriend comes over on weekends. He can leave or stay if he wants to, but I'm not putting up with any more of the old crap. I like things my way this time around, and he is adjusting. The kids are happy and getting along with the old man now and I can sleep nights.
I am concerned a bit about how I've changed though and not sure if I should get help or let it settle in and see what happens. I will say that the sparkle has left me. The optomism and the dreamer doesn't want to dream anymore. Life has just been too hard on me for too long. I really did try hard, and for so many years, and when I felt sorry for myself, I would pick myself up, and even carry a few people with me as I tried to make it across any finish-line......but there was never a finish-lline for me. I always tripped or fell or met a road block instead. Life has not been kind and certainly not fair.
I'm having trouble in my fiftieth year. Two failed relationships, and no resolution with my parents and siblings, I push everyone away now and look around and try to count my blessings, but it all feels so....mediocre and insignificant. Everything that I have has come at such a horrible struggle and I'm so tired. My life is half over and how can I see my next half of life if the last half was so tough on me.
I see friends enjoying a lifetime of double income, who are in fruitful relationships and families and vacations and luxuries and facials....and I am envious. I have a lifetime of pain etched on my face and sorrow in my heart and hold onto every penny for my next mortgage payment and household expense.
I am afraid that the next half of life will be harder than the first half of my life. I am afraid that I did not secure myself better for the coming storm. I am afraid that I will get some horrible disease and die alone.
My head hurts so much and there is much responsibility at work tomorrow. I must be diplomatic under pressure when I would rather tell it like it is. I am exhausted, burnt out and discouraged and I don't know how to get out of this.
My sons need me to set an example, so I will wake tomorrow.
I'm not depressed. I'm just disillusioned.
Angela
Well, I still cringe when the phone rings, but that is because I don't want to be bothered with trivial things anymore. I've had a lifetime of everyone's bullcrap and I sent everyone packing who wasn't being nice or putting in positive energy to get the hell out of my life. I snapped around Christmas time and now I sit in my home.....MY HOME....and there is peace and happiness here instead of stress and fighting. This has been a major improvement, but yet I still have such a long ways to go.
Still not sure how I got here. My health has improved some by personal and medical intervention, but I do know that nothing changed until I was willing to change inside first.
My garden blooms and I consider myself single, even though the old boyfriend comes over on weekends. He can leave or stay if he wants to, but I'm not putting up with any more of the old crap. I like things my way this time around, and he is adjusting. The kids are happy and getting along with the old man now and I can sleep nights.
I am concerned a bit about how I've changed though and not sure if I should get help or let it settle in and see what happens. I will say that the sparkle has left me. The optomism and the dreamer doesn't want to dream anymore. Life has just been too hard on me for too long. I really did try hard, and for so many years, and when I felt sorry for myself, I would pick myself up, and even carry a few people with me as I tried to make it across any finish-line......but there was never a finish-lline for me. I always tripped or fell or met a road block instead. Life has not been kind and certainly not fair.
I'm having trouble in my fiftieth year. Two failed relationships, and no resolution with my parents and siblings, I push everyone away now and look around and try to count my blessings, but it all feels so....mediocre and insignificant. Everything that I have has come at such a horrible struggle and I'm so tired. My life is half over and how can I see my next half of life if the last half was so tough on me.
I see friends enjoying a lifetime of double income, who are in fruitful relationships and families and vacations and luxuries and facials....and I am envious. I have a lifetime of pain etched on my face and sorrow in my heart and hold onto every penny for my next mortgage payment and household expense.
I am afraid that the next half of life will be harder than the first half of my life. I am afraid that I did not secure myself better for the coming storm. I am afraid that I will get some horrible disease and die alone.
My head hurts so much and there is much responsibility at work tomorrow. I must be diplomatic under pressure when I would rather tell it like it is. I am exhausted, burnt out and discouraged and I don't know how to get out of this.
My sons need me to set an example, so I will wake tomorrow.
I'm not depressed. I'm just disillusioned.
Angela
Replies
I felt like I was writing this one step behind you. I too and looking for peace. It sounds like you\'ve done what is best for you and you should be proud, but I understand the loneliness and depression too. Peace is precious though and worth so much! I\'m sorry your still in a struggle, but at least it is better than it was. YOu\'ll get there , you will! (((((Hugs)))))
So sorry I didn\'t find this before now... I\'m still not getting the email alerts (I don\'t think DS will ever fix it) and it really annoys me when I miss supporting my friends when they journal!
I have been a bit self-centred over the last few weeks... just some stuff going on in my life, as we all have to deal with from time to time... but if I\'m being a bit down and introverted, which usually means I\'m not running around sending hugs, then it is really easy to miss the fact that a friend has written a journal. Basically I have to go to every friends profile and look for journals, which I usually do when sending hugs.
Anyway, to me the first part of this journal felt so positive... I wanted to jump up and down and cheer for you and all you have accomplished in the last 6 months. You stood up for yourself and your right to have peace and happiness in your own home... and you have kicked people out of your life who were not contributing anything positive.
That is all such huge stuff really... to even get to the point of understanding that such drastic changes are necessary is a struggle for most people, let alone valuing yourself enough to shout \"no more BS in my life\". Go girl!
Yes I get that things are still far from perfect... and I sure understand what you mean by the feeling that you\'ve \"lost your spark\". I think we all have to reach a point eventually of resigning ourselves to the fact that our lives cannot be as good as we once may have dreamed of... simply dealing with cp brings us to that point, without any of the other things that we have had to deal with in our lives.
Sometimes I get angry and bitter because my life has been been hard... sometimes I feel full of resentment because some people have not had to struggle one iota, and have instead lived lives of abundance and luxury. In the end I have to rid myself of those feelings, by focussing on how much tougher and rougher things could be... because no matter how hard I think I have it at times, I only have to log onto DS to find a whole heap of people who are struggling more than I am. I just have to keep reminding myself that ilife could always be much worse than it is.
If I was you I would just sit with things a while longer, and see if you can find you old positive attitude again. If not, or if you begin to feel like you are sliding down a black hole, perhaps you could investigate getting some counselling to help you get back on a more even keel.
Sending gentle hugs and warm smiles for you my friend... take care... Gaye... xxx
well i think you have come a long way since last year ..................and you did a good thing for your self geting all the negatitive out of your life that only suckes you dowen ....................i hope it is working out good for you.............i am happy to here you have happyness and peace in your home now .............yes we do have to be ready to chang if we are going to change and willing to work on it to....................very good to here you are not taking his crap now and the kids are happy .......................maby youschould see someone do you have a counclor or a phicatrist i do not feeling is just as much a part of deprshion as feeling to much ................i beg to differ i dont think the depreshion is over with you just yet only at a diferent stage ...................you cant push everyone away you have jus swoung the other way you have goten tired maby you just nee a break ..............i cnnat be on ds all the time or i will get more depresed so i take breaks forom ds for a cupple of days befor i go back and usualy answer new posts ................and i and on some crafting groups that help me to .........i realy hate that they took the chat away ...............so i go on the mesages on mondays wensday and friday unless my head is to bad if you want to talk i am here for you ...............i understand ware you are and what brought you there but i cant see what advice i can give you right now except to rest up right now and sloley let some people back when you feel up to it so long as they understand they cant bring eneything negative into your life ..............i will keep you in my prayers .........god bless