How Cara Died I Will See My Daughter
December 11, 2006 I decided to write this because I've avoided talking about the details of my daughter's death. My daughter was drinking. If you've looked at my earlier entries you'll see where I talked about our family's struggle. I am no longer going to be ashamed of my child. She wanted help she begged for help and it just was not there. I made so many mistakes and the people who could have should have been able to help me avoid them didn't do a thing... I resent most of all the misinformation we were given. I have talked about my need to try to change things so that other people's families might not have to go through what we are going through. This terrible nightmare that will not end... Even here where people care so much I get very little feed back... What I want to do is worth while yall... Why don't you say something... I was so shocked and dismayed when a man who claims to be a man of God told me that he and his congregation don't get involved in people's problems that involve alcohol/substance abuse because they feel the people made that choice and as with any choice they chose the consequences at the same time they made the decision to use/abuse. Ah what an easy out... I can just let go now... she chose... IGNORANCE IGNORANCE IGNORANCE In spite of the reams and reams of information available about alcohol/substance abuse and its causes... genetic, environmental oh how can people be so stupid... I really should tone down the way I talk... I still hope to change people's minds and hearts... not for my child... she's not coming back... but for your child... I'm just so angry... I want to crawl into my shell and stop banging my head against this brick wall... I will not do that though... I'm still breathing. If we decide it was just Cara's time to die and her fault then why do we try to save anyone at anytime... maybe its just their time to die... Yes it was Cara's time to die... Because things are the way they are... not necessarily the way they should be and if help had been available I might still be able to hold my child... more importantly my child might be able to hold her three children and they might have their mother to talk to to love to hold and be held by... none of that's going to happen... not on this earth. My daughter was hit by a car on I 10 at the Perkins access ramp in Baton Rouge, LA... on October 30, 2006. I was told she died at 3:30am but the newspaper said around 3am... I don't know... for me she died at 6:02am and in some ways so did I. I've been told some pretty graphic details about her injuries as the funeral home staff were trying to convince us that we might not be able to see her... I agreed that it might have to be a closed casket but that I would see her no matter what... My son in law and my son also felt as I did and so we made arrangements to see her first and then make a decision as to whether it would be a closed casket or not... So we lived from Monday to Friday waiting to see her... and about 30 minutes before the appointed time we all arrived at the funeral home... The director was there and once we were all there he led us in to see her... he was kind and did not make us wait... So determinedly and fearfully we walked into the room where she was laid out... (many of you have taken this walk... you know just what I'm talking about) He told us that his staff had worked very hard and she looked better than they had expected... He explained to us that parts of her head were wax... that her left arm would have to be kept laid by her side... I don't know if her left arm was completely detached or what... I did not force the issue... what good would it have done... She did look better than we had feared... She looked like my child... not peacefully sleeping like we sometimes are blessed to see... no smile... she had on her sad face... the one I've seen far too often of late... I could see where they'd put wax but I didn't care I wanted to see and touch my child and I did. I touched her poor broken right hand and we draped the rosary around it... they said all her fingers and hand bones had been crushed... Why do I torture you... why am I torturing myself... Because I will never write much of this anywhere else... I want someone to know what happened to my child who no one cared enough to help even though she begged and we begged for help... As I've already said in the book I'm writing... in a historic context my child's death, her injuries, what happened before don't rank... People have always and will always die... in ways too horrific to imagine... but I don't look at it that way... She was my child and even though we can't bring her back maybe if people will hear, if they will help we can stop others from dying like this... Do you think ours is the only family with a lost child... We're one small family that you've never heard of and many of you never will... I'll try though not to let that happen... How many times do I have to tell you that the child you save may be your own... You can't possibly know how much I wish I'd been proactive rather than reactive... If you read this you have a chance... I had a lot of chances but I made the wrong choices...
Replies
hi my daughter in law got killed the same way except also you name it she had drugs from a to z in her also my son was with her she was driving the other car hit her side when she pulled to oncoming traffic they were also wearing seatbelts the in pack of the crash knocked her all the way in my sons lap and thats what saved him he was also drinking and doing drugs the baby car seat was smashed like you step on a coke can the car also i can promise you it does get alitte easier as time goes on im here if you need me
WOW you all have been through it. this is a story. I can\'t imagine how it felt looking at your daughter.I know when we buried my Grams 12/1 that was hard enough for me. Bless your heart honey. Where are you all from? I can understand frustration coming from addictive background. You reach out and where is the help? I cant imagine again. I can send prayers and hugs your way though and say I CARE! I understand and have had little response on here too. but perhaps we can be friends and support each other
It didn\'t feel all that bad... I was and am sad but at least I could see her, touch her, kiss her... I also found out when my stepdad died that the moment you have to walk away is one of the hardest moments... I do thank you both... at least I know you read this... on discussion topics As long as I\'m living... there has been one post... When will people be willing to help...
How many more of our children have to die... and its not just we the parents of the lost children who are at risk...
I really don\'t know how you are going to take this, please don\'t be offended but your daughters death is not in vain. God knows how many people you are going to touch with this story. Who knows, a mother might read this and help her child, or a child to their parents. Maybe someone will read this and reach out to a friend or relative. You are an inspiration. You are very strong to speak about this the way that you do. And I know God will use you and your strong voice to reach out to many. I will pray for you always. Thank you for being here and sharing such a personal story in your life...your baby. God Bless you.
Has anyone ever told you that your daughters accident was not your fault? I believe that most of us mothers do the best we can with what we have to work with. I don\'t think you are any different in that sense, only the outcome of one of your childrens lives had a tragic ending. That is not your fault. God Bless you and keep you.
In reading this journal entry, I can relate to your frustration over any clergy indicating that they don\'t get involved in addictions, A very good friend and Husband of mine, and I all left our church , when we were looked down for starting a twelve step program for addictions.
My heart could feel exactly those breathless moments that you spent viewing your daughter. I remember how my daughter and I drove not stop from Mn. to Oregon where my SOn had died, the morgue wouldn\'t allow us to see him, we had to make the arrangements first for a funeral home to pick him up. The day we walk in to see my precious Bryan, is the day I died. I could not believe that was my ONly son laying there, I had to touch him, I carassed his forehead, and kissed him , I held his cold hands, and could not walk away from him. My sobs became so hysterical that I hyperventilated and the director had to come with a brown paper bag to help me get my wind back. \"I wanted to die that day\" I could not leave there, I wanted to just wrap him up and take him home. How can a parent walk away and leave a child behind? We sat there for hours, until finally we had to leave, the cremation was scheduled, and we had my son\'s house to go through. When I walked into his bedroom I fell to my Knees, My baby\'s bed was covered, literally soaked with his blood , from the gunshot to his head. Weakly we stripped the bed, turn the mattress up against the wall, and proceeded to bag the two empty cases of beer cans. It took us over a week to go through my son\'s stuff, and leaving that house was very hard to do. I have since moved back to Oregon, and go by my son\'s house often, wishing I could see him.
This is a very sad and long long journey, there is not end to it, until we are called home to be with our loved ones. I built a memorial website for Bryan and it is the only thing that has kept me partially sane. I work on it daily, first it was so difficult I couldn\'t see through tears, but each time gets easier, and I love to view the child I raised, and loved and won\'t see until I die again.
Wow..I think we sometimes wonder how in the world we can get through times like these. We are given an inner strength even though sometimes we arent aware of it. I think it wonderful that you are so driven to write a book, and that you are trying to find a way to turn such a tradgedy into something positive and possibly life saving. Your quest can become a reality...just look on the other side of the coin, the MAADD group. That all came from a grief stricken Mother who would not lay down and look the other way. I know it must be equally as hard when you cant find the support you need from the church. You know this has nothing to do with God but with man and his narrow mindedness. I feel that perhaps you havent had the response you were looking for in the discussion groups is because we are all on another page of grief...maybe itis time to turn the page and help support a worthwhile cause. My heart goes out to you but you stay strong and you continue your fight and battle to be heard. It will set you free!