How can it be?..................
I can't believe....that Dick has been gone 4 years this past September 11th??? I'm feeling it even more now after an experience I had at breakfast this morning. After the gym I stopped at a restaurant that has a really good breakfast bar with all the usual things.....plus extras. I have been doing this for the last couple of months and I have been seeing the same faces pretty regularly. There is a couple I see often and know, but I have not spoken to them except to smile and say "good morning." Seeing him is painful for me. He attends church with a good friend (she's more family than friend) who helped me at the time I needed help and support the most. We live in a community where we have a Clubhouse and we had a remembrance get-together there after Dick passed. He was cremated and there was no church or graveside service so we decided to have a get-together here. Over 100 folks attended and the good friend asked her pastor to speak and one of their choir members to sing. A couple of close friends who knew Dickie well also spoke. It was special. I was in a haze at the time and didn't feel that I could get through the day, but with the help of good friends and neighbors I somehow managed. I guess it was one of those things that you get through when you need to even though to begin with you don't think you can do it. I'm so glad now that I went through with it.This morning at breakfast as the couple was leaving and passed my table, I managed to stop him and told him who I am and that I appreciated his participating 4 years ago; that it meant a lot to me. He said he knew I looked familiar and he has been trying to place me. When I told him my name he remembered that day and he also remembered being on the church visitation committee and that he and the pastor had visited Dick in the hospital several times. It's hard to believe....that it has been 4 years. It is hard to believe....that Dick is not here physically with me. It is hard to believe....how empty the house feels at times. It is hard to believe....that I was just standing on the footbridge by the lake, by myself, watching the water run over the spillway like we have done many times together. It is hard to believe....that I now sit alone on the bench by the lake that we have always considered "our bench." It is hard to believe....that I am now saying "me and I" instead of "us." It is hard to believe....how blessed I am to have caring extended family. I am living proof that "family doesn't always have to have the same last name!" It is hard to believe.......it is hard to believe.......it is hard to believe.......!! Life is so different for me now. There are times like this morning that are so devastatingly painful. I find myself wondering often who I am at this stage of my life. I'm doing what I promised Dick I would do and I'm being told by those around me that I'm do it well, but it is really hard.I can't believe....after doubting it often, I now feel that I can go on into the future.
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