How am I ever going to climb out of this hole?
Well, I bought a different truck, this week, no matter how hard I tried it probably isn't going to be ready to haul livestock this week. It needs to have a ball put in the box to be able to pull a gooseneck traile. You would this in todays economy that someone who is going to spend $650 you could find someone to do it quicker than a week. I'm still sick over having to spend the money, I don't have a house to live in and I'm spending money on a stupid truck. At least the sun is shining toay. Just finished with 3 days of rain and suppose to start tomorrow nite and all day Tues. we will never get in the fields. Last year at this time we were picking here at home. Everything is a month behind. Well it's 5 months today and I have had a really really bad week. Just want to hide here, nothing seems to console me. I just seem so empty, can't hardly even cry. I miss him so bad I can't even believe it. Tried really hard yesterday to find something that smelled like him - and it's all gone - I loved his smell even though it had changed when he was on certain kinds of chemo over the last 7 years. But I guess I just have to face it , I will never smell that again in this life and it really makes me sad. I am very unsure of myself right now, hope it changes or I'm not going to be able to farm this farm next year. There are so many things that I should be doing and I'm not doing any of them . Toby (he's my lab) is really sticking close by me - he knows I'm really upset. He has changed also in the last 5 months, never used to bark at cars he didn't know and now if there is even one different car or sound he really raises cain. It just can't figure out what's wrong with me. I just seem so lost, no place I go or anyone I talk to helps. I really thought it would get better, and now I don't know, it's worse than before. As the livestock # are going down I have more time, and I just can't find anything worthwhile to do. Ken I miss you and love you with all of my being, I can'tbelieve it's all over, it seems like just yesterday I met you and now it's done. I will love you till I die.