Hot Ticket Waiting To Happen...
I was told that twice by two very different people at two very different times very long ago. Truthfully, it was the biggest compliment I could get. The thought that anyone could even think of me that way (and actually "allowing" me to not only face, but embrace that part of myself) was very freeing.
I spent my childhood being guarded and isolated. As a young budding teen (like so many today) I would mature early and was just beginning to enjoy simply being noticed and all the sudden found attention from older boys.It felt good. An occasion would come up where I was set up to babysit for 2 couples (and the 16yr old son of one's boyfriend was there to accompany me til my "shift" was over.) My mother would come down early to walk me home and make sure someone was there to relieve me. As she saw an older teen boy ...and my embarassment.....The look on her face was indescribable....Shame and disappointment as she said to me on our way home "We won't tell your Father about this."
I had been tried and convicted when nothing really happened. To an over sensitive (almost) teen who was struggling with self esteem to begin with, this would knock the wind right out of me. My take from this was that my Mom thought I was a HO.... attention was obviously bad and I was back to being ashamed and guilty for ever wanting it. I put on some pounds and went back into the shadows again. (It would be many years later that I would learn from a therapist that Mom was not ashamed , but afraid .... that I woud turn out like her. Dysfunction did run in our family... she was brought up very strict and overprotected. Her Dad was superintendent of Sunday Schools and extremely active in their church. In 18 years she missed 2 weeks of Sunday school. Yet she managed to fall for a smooth talker home on leave . Very embarrassed, the two would elope to another state when he was home on another leave. She was 2 months pregnant)
As I look closely to my family in all its dysfunction.... I see a trend and there are really none with confidence , happiness and that strong sense of self and contentment. Almost all felt responsible for bringing their unhappy parents together for a life sentence of resentment and never really did feel wanted or loved. Again, it took me awhile to realize my parents really did love us and did the very best they knew how..
I swore that I would be different... be very demonstrative and sure to tell my kids how much they were wanted and loved. Unfortunately, I would never be blessed with any.
As I do embrace this hot ticket deal.... I realize I DO want to finally embrace and express my sexuality. (Spent far too many years trying to bury it deep inside ) As I anxiously wait for this damn divorce, I realize, if I did find exactly wht I want... I would be that hot ticket and I would find one of my very own.I am still not giving up that there may be a man out there who can open up and share every thought , dream, fantasy or fear he may come across... and would allow me to do the same. I am not clingy or needy, but want someone who would want to spend some time together and was not afraid to snuggle up or pounce if the opportunity arose (no pun intended lol)
SO YES..... I AM THAT HOT TICKET WAITING TO HAPPEN. THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME IN COMING AND I AM KIND OF FEEING LIKE THE VOLCANOS IN HAWAII. To all you available men out there.... you better watch out! heehee
Replies
You chatty girl you, lol but honestly I want to say thank you for sharing that very difficult memory and gentle caring hugs in the most ancient of ways. Yes indeed some man needs to see in you that perfect partner to share out the rest of the time we’re given on this plane of existence. Also let me compliment you on the writing skills you demonstrate very well too. Son and I will take a roadtrip to look at more property in search of our zen spot and it’s within an hours drive so a nice day trip for us. Bonus is it would put me within a half hour drive to my healing hot spring and the ancient trees around it to commune with if no humans are there. Blessings...,
That is what it seems to come down to. The desire, and ability, to open up and express our everything. Turned my marriage around in half a year. Once I realized that there is nothing to fear but fear itself, I was able to dig deep and find the will to live again. I am sooooo happy to hear you embracing your self. Put the past away, it doesn’t have to define you anymore! The only limits are self inflicted. And every day I believe more that everything happens for a reason. Yeah for YOU.
all I can say is hugs my friend. You said it so well. Life is ours to live. Go for it
I think I read somewhere that 80% of all people grew up in a dysfunctional home. That's alot. What happened to you is very common and unfortunately, parents deal with it in the same way that their parents dealt with them when they spotted, what they perceived, as inappropriate behavior. Parents are very afraid to break out of that mold their own parents placed them in because they would rather stick with the devil they know instead of the love and compassion, they don't know!
The only answer for me was through my own search within myself to uncover the love that was already there. It had just been hidden by a dark cloud, that's all. Through a daily practice of meditation, I am finally learning that there is alot more going on around us then what we can see or hear. So self discovery is what myself and many, others are now embracing!
God Bless
Good for you my friend! People just love to "judge" others but they should look to themselves instead. YOU are important and YOU can do whatever feels right. If other people don't like it than I would give them the words of my father..."Lead, Follow, or get the f**k out of my way" (((HUGS)))