Hospital
About a year and two or three months ago, I remember being at my therapists, crying my eyes out like I did every time. I didn't think that day was any different than the others, but after mentioning that I hated my stomach so much and I had thought about taking a knife to it and cutting it all off, her mood changed. I didn't think anything of that comment before or after I said it. I wasn't literally going to do it. I know it wouldn't give me a flat stomach. It would be red, raw, skin if I was really lucky, organs on a normal basis and death most likely. I guess she though I was serious or something because she told me that she was going to take me to the hospital and have me admitted because she was worried I might hurt myself. The only reason I didn't go was because her phone was dead and she demanded mine, but I refused to give it to her. Before I left she made me sit there for ten minutes and convince her why I wasn't going to hurt myself.
Skip ahead to present time and I'm worse than ever. I cry and cut every single night. I go through life torn between blowing up in rage and curling into a ball in depression but some how manage to keep a normal face and turn to the fake smile I've perfected. When I have a minute to my thoughts, I think about suicide. I've planned it. I'd OD. I'd get them to perscribe me pills and I'd OD the day I got them along with my sleeping pills, advil, nyquil and whatever else was in the house. I just need to do it. I've had this plan for so long. The only reason I can think of why I haven't killed myself is... well... I don't actually know.
I'm horrified of living, but scared of dying.
That's got me thinking. I'm ten times worse than I was last year. Suicide never crossed my mind last year. If my therapist thought I should be admitted last year, what about now? I've been wondering for a long time if I should be admitted. I can't really admit that I'm this bad most times. As I type about my suicide plan, I'm totally calm. Morning me is very different than me at night. Yes I cry because I'm awake, but I manage to dress myself, bandage up my cuts, hide my scars and get through a day of school. At night I curl into a ball and I cry and I scream because I want to die. I can't take my sleeping pills (just melatonin) without thinking about how many I can get away with. I'm taking 6x the recommended amount and that doesn't hurt, so I take a little more every night. I tell myself I need help and I'll say everything, but then I wake up and I starve and I put on my fake smile and I binge and I cut and later I'll think of suicide.
When I cut at night, I look at one of the veins on my wrist. I've tried cutting it, but I always chicken out. I just don't know what to do anymore. If anyone's actually read this long, what do you think? Have you been to a hospital ward? No one knows I'm suicidal and only my best friend knows I cut. Should I tell my parents and my therapist about those two things? Should I ask to be sent away? Honest opinions wanted.
P.S just to show you how different my moods can be, I'm calm now. I'm not going to kill myself now, but an hour from now will be a very different story.
Skip ahead to present time and I'm worse than ever. I cry and cut every single night. I go through life torn between blowing up in rage and curling into a ball in depression but some how manage to keep a normal face and turn to the fake smile I've perfected. When I have a minute to my thoughts, I think about suicide. I've planned it. I'd OD. I'd get them to perscribe me pills and I'd OD the day I got them along with my sleeping pills, advil, nyquil and whatever else was in the house. I just need to do it. I've had this plan for so long. The only reason I can think of why I haven't killed myself is... well... I don't actually know.
I'm horrified of living, but scared of dying.
That's got me thinking. I'm ten times worse than I was last year. Suicide never crossed my mind last year. If my therapist thought I should be admitted last year, what about now? I've been wondering for a long time if I should be admitted. I can't really admit that I'm this bad most times. As I type about my suicide plan, I'm totally calm. Morning me is very different than me at night. Yes I cry because I'm awake, but I manage to dress myself, bandage up my cuts, hide my scars and get through a day of school. At night I curl into a ball and I cry and I scream because I want to die. I can't take my sleeping pills (just melatonin) without thinking about how many I can get away with. I'm taking 6x the recommended amount and that doesn't hurt, so I take a little more every night. I tell myself I need help and I'll say everything, but then I wake up and I starve and I put on my fake smile and I binge and I cut and later I'll think of suicide.
When I cut at night, I look at one of the veins on my wrist. I've tried cutting it, but I always chicken out. I just don't know what to do anymore. If anyone's actually read this long, what do you think? Have you been to a hospital ward? No one knows I'm suicidal and only my best friend knows I cut. Should I tell my parents and my therapist about those two things? Should I ask to be sent away? Honest opinions wanted.
P.S just to show you how different my moods can be, I'm calm now. I'm not going to kill myself now, but an hour from now will be a very different story.
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