Horrible day
It a month since Stephen's passing, I feel horrible today screaming and crying all day. Mad at GOD, Steve and I for the last several years really felt a connection to GOD we felt as though something bug, miraculous was going to happen for us. Could this have been it, did god have taking Steve as this big wonderful thing, I'm so angry. I hurt all the time. My stomach is a pit and there is pain in my heart.
I want to believe that I will get through this and my head says I will but today I can't see it. I just want to feel him around me. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok they way Stephen did. When he told me that things would be ok they always were. Who will take care of me, who will hold me, laugh with me, cry with me, talk with me, I've lost everything. My life is so empty, don't care about tomorrow and if it weren't for my boys Anthony and George I wouldn't get up in the morning, or eat or sleep or anything. Rambling, but as I said a really really horrible day.
I want to believe that I will get through this and my head says I will but today I can't see it. I just want to feel him around me. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok they way Stephen did. When he told me that things would be ok they always were. Who will take care of me, who will hold me, laugh with me, cry with me, talk with me, I've lost everything. My life is so empty, don't care about tomorrow and if it weren't for my boys Anthony and George I wouldn't get up in the morning, or eat or sleep or anything. Rambling, but as I said a really really horrible day.
Replies
Hi Margie, So Sorry That You Are Having One Of Those Days. There Will Be More To Come But Not As Often. Iam Just Over 5 mths. And I Had One Of Those Nights Last Night. I Was Mad At God, Mad At Jamie, And Basically Mad At The World. Iam Sick Of Sleeping By Myself, Sick Of No One To Tease Or Just Talk To. Tired Of No Longer Having My Best Friend. I Even Told Jamie I Was Going To Find Another Best Friend, Hoping I Would Piss Her Off. DS Is A Good Place To Come And Let It All Out. Iam Sorry I Don\'t Have Any Good Advice But We All Know What You Are Going Through.Your In Our Thoughts. Ray
Sorry you are having a bad time. From reading everyones post it does get a little better. I am just over 6 months and I seem to be having a harder time myself right now. I hope you will have better days as you continue your journey. Marilyn
Reading this journal entry causes me to relive my own pain. I think that is why I don\'t visit here as often because after three years I am comfortably numb in my loss. I remember well the days when I felt lke I couldn\'t breathe. My pain was so intense it was anger provoking and screaming seemed like my only release, yet it didn\'t release anything. The anxiety attacks that came from no where and the strange feeling I had to think that I could perhaps die of a heart attack coupled with the thought of I can\'t die and cause this pain to others and what about my dogs. My dogs were my warmth and physical comfort. This group was my mental and emotional comfort. Life is so different now. When I go through the normal routine I had, and I did it all even before his death, but I feel so alone in these tasks. Perhaps it is the lack of recognition of them being done, he always noticed and wuld praise me for having a nice clean house and good dinners cooked. Now after three years it is a sign and a pang but in my early days it was shattering. We hate the dreaded word time, but it is the main factor in healing. The courage to go on is something we get from the support we find here. I hope you find your comfort, may God Bless you...inda
My husband died 2.5 years ago and please believe me - I understand how your feel.
Be comforted that as time goes by, your closeness to your husband will remain. It\'s scary at first and feels like time will create distance. But don\'t worry. The process of grieving really clouds everything and disguises the truth. We just struggle to catch the next breath of air .........where it seems like there is no air left to breathe......in a black world.
Be encouraged. My love for Bill is as strong and pure as ever...I remember worrying - as each day passed - that somehow I\'d forget things about him and our relationship. But that was the cloud of grief keeping me from seeing the truth. (truth being............the memories remain firmly within us).
Take heart that you can do this. I hope you will look for a griefshare group..................it\'s a place to go where you can talk about what\'s really on your mind - which is the loss. (www.griefshare.com)
A book that helped me was \"A Grief Disguised\" by Jerry Sitser.
It\'ll be okay. Take one minute at a time. That\'s all you have to do for now.
I also struggled greatly with believing in God and if He was even there I was furious with Him. Keep struggling and searching because it\'s worth it to find peace once again.
It\'s worth the struggle.
If you want to go to my journals.........I wrote down the ups and downs of my own search for God after my sweet Bill died.. Believing again (finally) has been a tremendous help through this.
Take heart.
You\'ll be okay.