Horrible.

 
I am having a very hard time staying happy lately. I really miss Gabe. I really do. I try not to think about it because when i do, i get sad, angry, frustrated, and some other emotions I can't explain. Honestly, I feel like a terrible Mother. I don't even feel like a mother anymore. I am up here with my aunt, having a good time while my mom is down in Florida taken care of MY CHILD. My CHILD who i should be taking care of. It makes me feel like shit every single day and i feel like a bad mom because i am basically living with my aunt, and going to the movies, and shopping, and going to a concert next month... I feel horribly guilty for all of that. I am up here staying with my aunt to try to further my education. I really want to get my GED so that i can get a good job or maybe a career so that i can make a better life for MY SON. But in the process of all of this i am doing fun stuff and it makes me feel incredibly, horribly guilty. I've been trying sooo hard not to think about the fact that my son Gabe isn't with me, because if that's all i thought about, i would be a huge emotional mess. I feel like deep down inside i am fallen apart because i really miss him and it hurts. no one understands, it seems like. I really wish i didn't feel this way. I am trying sooo hard to stay happy, but in the process, i am slowly falling apart. Especially when i see other mothers on my facebook page with their children or taking care of them