hopeless; how cliche and typical.
For almost two years now I have been pushing myself as hard as I can each and every day to uncover and resolve the problems going on inside of my body. The seemingly endless doctor visits, all of the painful ultrasounds, the countless numbers of doctors/surgeons that have poked their way to my private parts. Throughout the grueling operations, medication, diet(s), misdiagnoses, almost nine months of intense physical therapy with several physical therapists, and the unreal amount of money that has been poured into this illness, I am still empty. I have done every single thing in my power to tackle this bodily issue and there is no mark that can indicate the amount of patience, time, and hard work I have put into this that has ultimately left me with nothing. My body hurts so much each day (some days much worse than others), but regardless, I am in a constant state of discomfort. I'm hurting both physically and mentally knowing that even though I dumped my entire heart and soul into eliminating this issue, I could not prevail. I feel defeated and fucking helpless in the worst way possible. There isn't a single thing that hurts more in this world than knowing that you tried your hardest, and that your hardest still wasn't good enough.
I've been stomping all over this shit for so long hoping that any effort that I make will ultimately reverse my evident fate of remaining in chronic pain for the rest of my life. I couldn't be more aware of the definition of the word "chronic", but for some reason at the first diagnoses I heard "No, this isn't it, this isn't you. This will never be you." and I took the residual fear of never being able to defeat this problem and I fucking attacked my condition to the face and hoped that I evidently would ultimately destroy feeling this way all together. Although I'm aware of the effects that a long-term state of denial can give you (clearly, since I've been living this shit for a year since I was diagnosed), I still never let myself give up, or "settle".
I tried so hard to fight as much as I could and only a mere year later I am still so hurt by all of this. I'm fragile and delicate as ever and if I were asked three years ago to picture my life "now", I would have never seen myself in such a weak and unstable position. I feel as though I have lost not only myself, but also my identity to this condition and the negative effects that it has brought to my life. I can't remember a time where I have felt this uncomfortable and unhappy in my own skin, where I would give almost anything in this world to be able to function "normally", and "appropriately" like the ones around me.
I never wanted to make this condition such an unnecessarily large part into my life, but I've come to learn that is what is expected of you when you are living with chronic pain. I feel humiliated by myself when I look back and see that I had simply been lying to myself this past year with this bullshit "positive mental attitude" shit. I look back and want to laugh in my own fucking face for thinking for even a moment that this was something that I could just erase.
Today has done much worse than good for myself both emotionally and physically. This strenuous and mentally vexing day has left me depleted and worn down. My pain was worse today than it has been in several months, but nevertheless, I still tried my hardest to tough it out. I'm feeling better now that I am lying in my bed and am finally off of my feet after being completely non-stop for the last fifteen hours on this grueling day. Today has been particularly difficult and I need to rest my body and my head. I'm going to heat up my little warm compress friend, watch some Law & Order and get to sleep early tonight.
sad
I've been stomping all over this shit for so long hoping that any effort that I make will ultimately reverse my evident fate of remaining in chronic pain for the rest of my life. I couldn't be more aware of the definition of the word "chronic", but for some reason at the first diagnoses I heard "No, this isn't it, this isn't you. This will never be you." and I took the residual fear of never being able to defeat this problem and I fucking attacked my condition to the face and hoped that I evidently would ultimately destroy feeling this way all together. Although I'm aware of the effects that a long-term state of denial can give you (clearly, since I've been living this shit for a year since I was diagnosed), I still never let myself give up, or "settle".
I tried so hard to fight as much as I could and only a mere year later I am still so hurt by all of this. I'm fragile and delicate as ever and if I were asked three years ago to picture my life "now", I would have never seen myself in such a weak and unstable position. I feel as though I have lost not only myself, but also my identity to this condition and the negative effects that it has brought to my life. I can't remember a time where I have felt this uncomfortable and unhappy in my own skin, where I would give almost anything in this world to be able to function "normally", and "appropriately" like the ones around me.
I never wanted to make this condition such an unnecessarily large part into my life, but I've come to learn that is what is expected of you when you are living with chronic pain. I feel humiliated by myself when I look back and see that I had simply been lying to myself this past year with this bullshit "positive mental attitude" shit. I look back and want to laugh in my own fucking face for thinking for even a moment that this was something that I could just erase.
Today has done much worse than good for myself both emotionally and physically. This strenuous and mentally vexing day has left me depleted and worn down. My pain was worse today than it has been in several months, but nevertheless, I still tried my hardest to tough it out. I'm feeling better now that I am lying in my bed and am finally off of my feet after being completely non-stop for the last fifteen hours on this grueling day. Today has been particularly difficult and I need to rest my body and my head. I'm going to heat up my little warm compress friend, watch some Law & Order and get to sleep early tonight.
sad
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